Page 52 of Love of the Egoist
I shouldn’t be swayed by false hope. He doesn’t feel anything for me. I’m just another fuck-boy to amuse him. Only a toy to play with and break. Then why the fuck is he so gentle with me? Why? This is driving me crazy. And why am I so fucked up that I even want to know what he thinks. Capture-bonding... this is only capture-bonding.
“Arghhhhh!” he howled, grabbed the pillow and buried his face in its softness. The door opened, and Yugo made his entrance carrying a tray filled with food.
“Hungry?” the man asked; his voice ringing with high spirit. Curiosity lit up his eyes as they moved to the twisted pillow in Kuon’s hands. The corner of his mouth twitched and crept up. “What are you doing?”
He put the tray down, trying not to spill anything, and sat beside the detective. His hands took the pillow from Kuon and put it aside.
Still unable to sort his jumbled feelings, Kuon dropped his gaze, not answering. The shadow of disappointment hardened Yugo’s features, erasing his lopsided smile.
“Kuon, I thought we had passed this stage. Passionate in bed, indifferent outside. What are you trying to say? Stop playing this game. Talk to me.”
“Let me go. I promise, I’ll leave Vienna, and I will never come back for you. I will say nothing. Please?” Kuon’s voice was barely audible. He didn’t get his hopes up. Not anymore. “How long are you going to keep me here? Isn’t it enough? Let me go or kill me!”
Yugo stilled, looking alarmed. “I can’t… if I let you go, you will leave.”
Silence fell over the room. Kuon with using all his brain power tried to digest the words Yugo had said. But their meaning eluded him no matter how hard he tried. He shook his head in an attempt to dislodge the delusion.
“Are you feeling bad being with me? Are you repulsed by my touch? Why do you want to leave? What is it you are unhappy with? You have everything—good food, warm bed, great sex with me. I’m treating you well, aren’t I? Why can’t you be happy?” His razor-sharp gaze fixed on Kuon’s parted lips.
Kuon searched Yugo’s face, but his expression was serious, no signs of a joke on his knitted brows, pressed lips.
Fuck me, he is for real… he means it…Kuon blinked, looking at Yugo’s downturned mouth, to his fist gripping the bed sheet.This is absurd.
Kuon’s lips twitched and stretched in a shy dumbfounded smile. The smile got wider by the second until it transformed into neurotic laughter that Kuon couldn’t control. He didn’t even know why he was laughing, but the whole situation felt stupid, impossible, like a bad comedy with creepy dialogue and a wacky plot. His eyes prickled with tears, and he wiped them with the back of his hand, amazed at how funny his life was. When his body stopped shaking, and his chest wasn’t gasping for air, Kuon gritted his teeth.
“If you cover a cat with a pillow, it will try to break free even if you are not hurting it. You are keeping me here against my will, Yugo. You stole my freedom. You have limited my world, shrunk it to yourself and these walls. You are a criminal, and my duty is… was, to put people like you in jail. By staying by your side I’ve started to hate myself. I hate that you are changing me. Please, let me go… haven’t you played to your heart's content already?”
“No!” Yugo snapped back. “Eat.”
“Then kill me.”
“No.”
“How long are you going to keep me here?”
“I gave you an order. Pick up the fucking fork and start eating!” Yugo’s voice brimmed with annoyance; his knuckles turned white.
It’s no use…Kuon thought and lowered his head to his arms, folded on his knees.
??E??
THE NEXT DAYYugo came home later than usual. Being busy all morning, he was eager to see Kuon. With every step, bringing him closer to the bedroom, he felt his mood improving. He opened the door, went in. The faint smile, curling the corners of his mouth, died on his face.
Chilly wind, breaking into the room, played with the curtain, bringing along the fresh forest smell. The lights were off filling the room with fanciful shadows, clean sheets covered the freshly made bed, and Kuon was nowhere to be seen. Neither was Greg, who was supposed to follow him around.
Sickness twisted Yugo’s guts; agitation scratched in his chest as he looked around, searching for signs of a combat. His room looked neat. If the fight had happened indeed, the trace of it had already been cleared. His heart pounded in his chest when he left the room. Slight fear that Kuon might have run away tightened his throat, filling his mouth with a sour taste. Going down the corridor Yugo opened each and every door on his way.
A soft swish reached his ears, and Yugo whipped his head toward the stairs. The maid, wearing a cute black dress stepped on the last stair; her white, lacy pinafore rustled with every move. Seeing Yugo, she slowed down and bowed her head, greeting her master. Her shoulders tensed as she passed by intending to enter the bathroom when he called to her.
“Have you seen Greg?” Despite his attempt to control his tone, the annoyance sipped out, making her shrink.
“He is in the gym with your… guest,” she mumbled back and stilled with the attention of a meerkat looking in the horizon waiting for danger. Her cautious eyes watched Yugo with alarm.
Yugo scowled, displeased with the news. Ignoring the maid, he quickened his pace, opened the door with a slam of his palm and entered the vast space of the gym. His foot stepped on the thick blue rubber, dipping under his weight. A strong smell of sweat hit his nose, and he stepped back leaning on the doorframe.
Two wild animals, curling their backs in graceful poses, circled the room, inch by inch reducing the distance between them with every second. Their unblinking gazes locked together, muscles tensed and pumped with blood. Thick blue veins popped up under their sweaty skin.
Reflections danced in the kaleidoscope of surrounding mirrors, repeating their every move. The sunset painted a part of the blue rubber flooring in dirty orange, and the light streaming in from the panoramic window, coated their bodies in a warm golden glow. Several white towels lay about the gym.
