Page 34 of Love of the Egoist
Not even ten minutes had passed before the door opened, and Yugo re-entered as if nothing had happened, carrying antiseptic, bandages, and a huge smile.
He knelt beside Kuon, tugged the medical gloves on and took one of Kuon’s wounded hands in his own. His moves were light and skillful when he picked up the swab, soaked it in the antiseptic, and wiped the blood off. The strong smell of the chemical mixture wafted to Kuon’s nose as he watched the manipulation. A tornado of confusion swirled in his chest as he lost the logical thread of the events.
Yugo’s expression screamed concentration. The weird thought that Yugo was trying to make the process as painless as possible crossed Kuon’s mind.
Yeah … right. As if something like this is possible.
Not paying attention to his patient, Yugo dressed his wounds and only when he took the other hand in his own did Kuon mumbled, “I don’t get you.”
Yugo froze, raised a surprised gaze to his prisoner. Looking in the clear gray eyes, Kuon decided that there was no point in keeping silent.Why not just ask? In the worst-case scenario, he will ignore me.But if he didn’t, maybe it would be an opportunity to worm his way into Yugo’s brain.
“You are forcing me to do …” he stumbled, unable to say it out loud, “these things … but you are still treating my wounds. I can’t figure out what it is that you want from me? Why don’t you just kill me?”
Yugo smiled. It looked like the straightforwardness of the question entertained him. Taking his time and irritating Kuon with his silence, he treated the second hand and only when the bandage hugged Kuon’s fist did he look the detective in the eye.
“What do I want?” he asked. His lips stretched in a weird, impudent smile, that tinged with a hint of satisfaction—a smile Kuon ached to erase with his fist. “You amuse me. I can’t let you go, you know that. And I have all the time in the world to kill you or sell you to a whorehouse. That’s why, until I’m tired of you, I’m going to take good care of you.”
Kuon’s lips twisted in a contemptuous grimace, and he had to use everyounceofwillpowernot to hit the man sitting in front of him.
“Well … thanks for the truth.” Kuon got to his feet and approached the window. Sitting and watching that amused face was above his mental capacity. He swallowed the hatred, storming inside, and faced the man with a forced, cocky smile. “That means I have to make sure you don’t get bored until I get a chance to take off, doesn’t it?”
DESPITE THAT SMILE,Yugo saw how hard his words hit the man. Kuon’s skin bleached, his dark and glossy eyes obscured, and Yugo questioned if he had crossed the line with his threats. In the end, he didn’t want Kuon’s fear, not at all.
If not that, then what?He mused, bit on his thumb, and gazed at the floor. A dart of confusion hit the bull’s eye of his stable inner world. These feelings were new. Usually pain and fear did it for him, but with Kuon he wasn’t sure that was what he wanted.I want him to be weak before me … powerless. But only with me. I want his fingers to cling to my sleeves and his pale lips to beg me not to go, like that night. But if he hates me that would never happen. I can’t crush his skull every time I want to hear those words from him … or can I?
Yugo messed his hair, puzzled. He got to his feet and approached Kuon.
“Kiss me,” he ordered, watching confusion spreading over Kuon’s face. “You have already done that before, what’s there to be surprised about?”
Kuon didn’t move. He kept staring into Yugo’s eyes.
“Are you going to make me wait till nightfall? Do what I tell you, or maybe you like it when I force you?” Yugo threatened, and Kuon stepped forward, stretching his bandaged hands along Yugo’s shoulders. A murderous smile played on his lips, but deep inside his eyes Yugo read all the curses the young detective couldn’t say out loud.
“What is so good about doing this with someone like me? If you like boys, find someone with smooth legs, a thin waist, and tiny hands. Or someone who doesn’t hate you. Don’t you want it to be mutual?” Kuon stared into his eyes, waiting for a reply.
“You are getting aroused by touching me too. Find the answer in yourself,” Yugo replied and, not waiting for Kuon to make the first step, wrapped his hands around his torso, pulling him closer. Their lips collided. Kuon closed his confused eyes.
“You will dine with me tonight,” Yugo informed and only then Kuon opened his hazy eyes. “And from now on you shave every day. If you don’t, I will. You are scratching me.”
Yugo’s heart tingled with pride and triumph. He felt as if the wild and dangerous animal was giving up his territory, letting him in, and that alone made him incredibly happy. His fingers touched Kuon’s mouth and stretched the bottom lip down, revealing white, shiny teeth. Granting Kuon another smile, he left the room.
CHAPTER 10
IT’D BEEN THREE WEEKSsince the last visit to Yugo’s room. Three weeks of isolation interrupted only by food delivery and Yugo’s visits. The visits that reeked of humiliation, vanilla tobacco, and the overpowering stench of male arousal.
At first, Kuon’s fear of being violated paralyzed him every time the man came. His own insignificance demoralized him, wiping clean any self-respect and installing deep emotional numbness in his core. But every time Yugo visited, it was a different kind of humiliation, filled with kisses and forced orgasms. Every fucking time Yugo stopped by, he made sure to stick his tongue in Kuon’s mouth and put his hand in his pants. He hadn’t fucked him since, but not even once had he left the room without making Kuon cum or without seeking his own orgasm in Kuon’s hands or his mouth.
Confusion and isolation fucked with Kuon’s mind. Even the weather was against him. Gloomy clouds closed off the sun, pouring inexhaustible cascades of water down the soggy earth. Kuon struggled with time orientation. It was too cold for the beginning of May. The sun barely blessed the soil with its rays and everything around looked more like late autumn rather than blooming spring.
He couldn’t tell black and white apart anymore, feeling agitated and elated every time anyone talked to him, visited him.
Silence sinking in his brain tormented him with isolation, layer by layer stripped him of sense. He felt weird excitement every time Greg brought him food. He counted cracks on walls and all the trees he could see from his window to keep his mind off Yugo and the things the man did to him. It didn’t help. Being the only source of information, Yugo filled his thoughts, extruding everything else.
Several times Kuon tried to jerk off thinking about girls so his body wouldn’t react to Yugo’s touch. On those days Yugo, as if knowing what he’d done, punished him for it, imposed one orgasm after another, forcing dry and painful pleasure upon Kuon’s body and his exhausted mind.
Kuon stopped fighting. He couldn’t help admitting there was something wrong with him.
These feelings he experienced with Yugo were unnatural. It didn’t matter how many women he’d had before, they’d never evoked such strong sensations within him as Yugo had. Melting flesh and boiling blood, the faded mind submitting to the will of another man, all this was new.
