Page 30 of Desired By Mr Darcy
He had to get out of this house. The walls felt oppressive, as they always did after a few days in London. He liked the city wellenough, for there was an undeniable quality of art and culture within its bounds, but it lacked the freedom he loved so dearly of the countryside. If he were at Pemberley, he would saddle up his horse and ride for miles. Perhaps his temporary insanity, as he thought of his lust, was simply due to a lack of exercise.
He found Fitzwilliam and together the two decided a walk around Hyde Park was just the thing while the women busied themselves with dresses.
“Are you well, cousin?” Fitzwilliam asked as they began their walk. “I feel as though I have done nothing else but enquire after your health these past few days. I wonder what it is that has your disposition so changed.”
“I do not know what you mean.”
“Oh, come, we are as close as brothers. There is no hiding from me.”
“It is your fault; you put the idea into my head. I ought never to have done it. I had never considered such a…”
Fitzwilliam held up a hand.
“Hang on, hang on. Are you telling me you are in such a foul mood simply because you had a harmless fiddle with yourself?! Larks, man! Get a hold on yourself - well, I suppose I do not need to tell you twice.”
“Shut up,” Darcy grunted.
“It is natural! All that nonsense at school about how it would make you go blind, eternal damnation, blah blah blah. The army would turn your hair white, for there are for more sordid activities going on than that when the lights are out.”
“Stop it. It is not the act itself, but what I think of. I defile Miss Elizabeth to dishonour her in such a way.”
“Oh, pish posh. I cannot walk around in circles all afternoon while you debate the moral implications of a quick tug, Darcy, really I can’t. It is fine, and if anything, it is healthy. Keeps a man in good spirts, I think. Let us have no more of this wallowing! You are to be a married man, and that can be a joyous thing indeed.”
“It is more than that. We were alone last night, and I must confess we kissed most passionately until her sister interrupted. I believe that my lustful desires were offensive to her, for Elizabeth barely seemed able to look at me this morning.”
“You never know,” Fitzwilliam smiled, “perhaps she has had a few bedtime fumblings of her own and the pair of you are matched in your embarrassment.”
“Do not make such implications. She is a lady.”
“Of course she is! A lady with feelings and passions of her own. Perhaps if you had lain with a woman as all gentleman do, you would know this, but they like it too, Darcy. It is not a matter of sufferance if you do it right.”
“I understand that…”
“I don’t think you do. You’ve been wringing your hands over your own immorality, when it hasn’t even occurred to you that Miss Elizabeth may desire you even more strongly than you do her. She will look to you to guide her, and if you wish for a happy marriage you must stop all this! A good fuck never hurt anyone.”
“I would argue that it has, and please do not use such vulgarity. We are in public. You behave as though we are in an ale house.”
“Nobody can hear what I am saying. To an onlooker, we are simply two gentleman – one a Colonel in His Majesty’s forces, no less – discussing important matters of business.”
“But we are not. I do not think anything about our conversation could be considered important.”
“Fine, I will put the discussion to bed. I just hope you are studying that book I gave you.”
“It is hardly Plato, Richard. I have managed to discern its contents quite easily, and it is nothing but filth.”
He did not say that he had read it that morning, hand covering the pictures, quite intently. He had committed the details of coupling to memory, the names of things, the intricacies. Treating the book as an education tool had quelled his endless desires. If one thought of the matter as mechanical, it was hardly arousing at all.
“But it is educational all the same. Forgive me for my impertinence, Darcy, I say it all in jest. I want to see you happy.”
“I am happy.”
“You might tell your face; you have all the good humour of a man sentenced to the gallows.”
“I asked you to accompany me so we might get some exercise, and the only thing being exercised is your mouth and my patience.”
“Was that a joke, Darcy? My, she has changed you. Fine, fine, let us change the subject. I understand our dear aunt is still refusing to attend the nuptials.”
“That is something I want to discuss even less. I have nothing to say on the matter.”
