Page 73 of Follow the Rhythm
“Yes, but you were freaking me out, so I told Steffi I needed to come and check on you.” They squatted down to be at my level.
“I’m not a child,” I said, sounding exactly like a bratty ten-year-old.
Austin sank all the way to the floor to sit cross-legged beside me. “Do I need to be worried about you?”
“I’mfine,” I repeated emphatically. “I’m just tired. It was a lot, being on tour.”
“Where’s Kieran? Grace said you guys got pretty cozy before that fucker Ellis went off the deep end.”
My stomach clenched. “It didn’t work out.”
Austin studied me. “It didn’t work out, or you sabotaged it?”
“I don’t need this from you, okay? You checked on me. I’m fine. You can go now.” I pulled the blanket back over my head.
“Nope, I think I’m gonna stay,” Austin said lightly.
I flipped the blanket down to glare at them. “No, you’re not. You’re going to go back to work with all the Omegas that actually need your help.”
“What do you want to eat? Take out? Or do you want me to make something?” They took out their phone, looking at me expectantly.
“I’m not hungry.” My fists tightened. I already felt helpless and worthless and pathetic. Didn’t they understand this wasn’t helping?
“I think I feel like spaghetti bolognese. And it’ll be way better if I make it myself. Do you want me to get just ground beef, or should we treat ourselves and get some ground pork, too?”
I sat up and screamed through my clenched teeth, a wordless expression of frustration. The blanket fell to my waist as I slammed my fists on the nest mattress like a toddler. “I don’t want fucking spaghetti bolognese!”
Austin didn’t even flinch. They just waited patiently while I panted. It should have been funny, this silly argument over spaghetti, but I felt too raw. I screamed again, just because it felt good to let some of the pain out.
But then I started to cry because I didn’t want to hurt Austin. Yet here I was, lashing out at the one person who still cared about me.
And then I was crying for other reasons. I was alone again, and it felt more permanent than ever. I missed my aunt Natalie and my mom, and Kieran and Charlie. And worst of all, I still missed Ellis. I thought maybe I’d found him again, but no. And it hurt worse than ever.
Austin pulled my head onto their lap and let me cry. Their scent, freshly baked bread, was soothing. They ran their fingers through my hair, gently combing out the knots that had accumulated from two days spent in bed, while I sobbed like a child. I wasn’t sure how long my outburst lasted, but I calmed down eventually, enough to wipe the tears away with the nest blankets.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my face smushed against their leg. “I do want spaghetti.”
“You can make it up to me by taking a shower. I love you, but you need to get some of this sad funk off.”
I laughed despite myself and sat up. Austin smiled at me. “You don’t need to stay. Really.”
“Shut up. Grace is on her way over, too. Now, please shower. I put in the grocery order already, so hopefully it’ll be here when you get out and you can help me make dinner.”
I took a long shower, scrubbing off the top layer of sadness. I was still exhausted, I still wanted to crawl back into the nest, but the shower gave me the little bit of inertia I needed to keep moving forward.
I looked in the mirror. I had already lost some weight on tour and had lost even more after surviving on crackers and jellybeans for the past two days. There were hollows under my eyes and cheekbones, and my skin looked dull. I looked a lot like the woman who had arrived at the Omega Center, fresh from an inpatient psych hold, and that scared the shit out of me.
Before I even got dressed, I put in an appointment request for my therapist. I wouldnotlet myself spiral back into that dark place.
“She lives!” Grace screeched when I emerged. She ran over to give me a tight hug. “I was worried about you, dude.”
“Thanks, dude,” I joked, but I hugged her back. “Sorry for being such a mess.”
“Stop stalling and help me make this sauce,” Austin said. Grace rolled her eyes at me, but we went to help.
They stayed most of the night. Austin and Grace did the talking, for which I was grateful. After dinner, we put on a movie we’d all seen a hundred times, and I gathered my courage.
“So, what’s been happening? Any more drama?” I asked Grace.
