Page 29 of The Reckoning
What is stopping me?
Arson. Myself. A thousand and one excuses. The growing danger she faces by being associated with us. There are a lot more fucking reasons for me not to make her mine than there are to claim her. I peer around the warehouse’s common area. Is this the life I want for her? Going from warehouse to warehouse? Dodging danger left and right. No, I don’t.
The new warehouse is sparse—with a few mismatched chairs, a table covered in surveillance equipment, and a coffee maker Drew scrounged from somewhere. It all feels surreal, like I’ve stepped into someone else’s nightmare.
“There are a lot more reasons to let her be with him than there are for her to be with me.”
“You’re only saying that because you’re afraid of those feelings, but I know you’ll figure it out. All that matters is that we got her out of the enemy’s hands, and she’s safe.”
“Yeah.” I flex my bleeding hand, focusing on the sting. “Got her out just in time for my brother to fuck her.”
The crudeness of my own words surprises me. I’m not usually so raw. Guess that’s what captivity does to you. It strips away the layers of polish and social conditioning. The man whoemerged from that concrete cell is harder and sharper at the edges.
More like Arson than I want to admit.
I think back to the way she looked at me when I walked into that room. The memory is crystal clear—Lilian, bruised and bound to a chair, eyes widening when I appeared in the doorway. The spark of hope in her expression and the way she said my name. The way the men holding her didn’t seem surprised to see me.
“She looked relieved,” I say, mostly to myself. “When I walked into that room where they were holding her. It seemed like she’d been waiting for me specifically. Like it was all a setup.” I continue, the pieces clicking into place. “They wanted me there, and not Arson. They seemed...pleased when they realized it was me and not him.”
Drew frowns, moving closer. “Yeah, I remember that asshole saying something to that effect. What does it mean? They obviously have some kind of plan on top of whatever you two, or you fucking three, are doing here.”
“I don’t know what it means. I have nothing to do with them.”
Drew’s expression shifts to concern. “Did you tell Arson about this?”
“Haven’t had the chance, what with walking in on him screwing the woman I—” I cut myself off, the word catching in my throat.
The woman I what? Love? Care about? Want?
I can’t even admit it to myself, let alone say it out loud. Whatever I feel for Lilian is too complicated, too entangled with family expectations and personal desires to be easily defined. Now with Arson in the picture, it’s even messier.
I’m reminded all over again how easily Arson swooped in and laid claim to her.
“I left her for five fucking minutes,” I say, redirecting the conversation. “Five minutes while the doctor worked, and she was fucking him. Like I never existed. Like what we had meant nothing.” A tiny voice in the back of my mind says what we had did mean nothing because I kept it that way. For fear of her being hurt, and used against me, but I thought I meant more to her than just some afterthought.
“Stop it. You don’t know that,” Drew counters, some of his usual demeanor returning. “You don’t know what happened between them.”
“She was naked and on top of him. He had just fucked her, so I do know what happened.”
“What you saw was two people who’ve been through trauma finding comfort in each other. It doesn’t have to mean?—”
“It does.” I’m not interested in his rationalizations. “It means something, and it matters to me.”
Drew sighs, suddenly backing off. “Okay, then what do you want to do?”
That’s a good question.
What do I want to do?
Continue this pointless rivalry with my twin, and risk losing Lilian forever? Or maybe go back to being Richard Hayes’s puppet, the son groomed to take over. My old life is gone, the man I was before is dead. The only thing that hasn’t changed is what Lilian means to me, but that’s complicated, so fucking complicated.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “But we can’t keep doing this.”
I reflect on Lilian’s words and the anguish in her eyes. I know seeing Arson and me fight kills her and cuts her deep, but letting go of that pain feels like succumbing to him, and I don’t know if I can do that.
Drew nods, respect in his expression. “The bad will end, it always does, and then things will get better. It won’t ever be perfect, but it’ll be better.”
I can only hope he’s right because if it doesn’t get better, I don’t know if there will be a future for Lilian and me. That’s if Arson doesn’t kill me before it can happen. The idea of sharing her with him kills me, but the prospect of never having her, never getting the chance to touch her or kiss her, eats away at my insides.
