Page 28 of Shattered Secrets
I go on the offense. “What were you even doing in my house?”
“You were supposed to come to the board meeting today, remember? Your first day at the office. But you didn’t answer the phone, and Madeleine said you didn’t leave the room, so...”
Ah. So that’s why the alarm clock was going off. Everything is so blurry in my head. No thought forms properly. When did all these days pass?
“You told me you were fine, that you were ready to go back to work.”
“What do you want me to say?” I shout. “That I’m losing it? That I don’t want to live anymore?” How many times can I ask him to save my poor ass?
“Yes. That’s exactly what I want you to say. I’m here for you, just like you were there for me whenever I needed you. Have you already forgotten how many times I’ve cried on your shoulder because Maya didn’t want me? And how you supported me after the abortion? And what about that time in high school when they wanted to kick me out, and you took the blame?”
I stay silent.
“You’ll have to stay at my house for a while.”
“What? No way.”
“They want to keep you under supervision. I insisted they release you.” He looks at me with reproachful eyes. “But I have to sign that you’ll be under my supervision. That makes you my responsibility. Therefore, you’re coming home with me until I say otherwise.”
“No fucking way.”
“I’m a lawyer, Ethan. I’myourlawyer. You know I don’t sign anything without meaning it, so that’s the way it is. A hospital or my home. Deal with it.”
CHAPTER12
One Year Later
AYALA
“Mom, I found an apartment!” I enter my parents’ house and throw my bag at the entrance.
I’ve been living here since they released me from the hospital, but it’s been a year now, and it’s time to go back to being independent. The holidays are approaching. Last year I celebrated them at the hospital. This year I want to celebrate in my own home.
Mom doesn’t answer. I go into the kitchen to search for her, and indeed she’s there, rattling pots and cooking while singing.
I always wondered why she did nothing with her cooking talent, but Mom believes in this traditional relationship, where only the man works, and the woman supports the house.
“What did you say? I didn’t hear you,” she turns to me.
“I said I found an apartment.”
“It’s too fast. Don’t you think?”
I can never get over what happened. It will always be a part of me. But she can’t grasp it. Maybe it’s because I never shared with her what happened there. She knows Michael raped me and beat me, I even told her he murdered Robin, even though no proof was found, and I know she believed me. But she has no idea of the extent of his abuse or what Ethan’s connection was to the whole story.
I want to tell her how much I love him, how much he helped me, but every time I mention Ethan, she recoils. As far as she’s concerned, he was the man I had sex with while married. For her, he is to blame for everything that happened, and I should keep my distance from him. Not that it’s a problem since Ethan said he never wanted to hear from me again.
To continue my recovery, I need to be independent again. I want my privacy back. I want to know that when I wake up at night from a nightmare, she’s not sitting in her bed worrying about me.
“Mom, I go to therapy twice a week, and I’ll continue after I leave. I found a job I like. I’m perfectly fine.” As fine as I could be. I stopped hoping for more.
After they released me from the hospital, my parents hovered over me like birds over their chick. They didn’t leave me for a moment, making sure I wouldn’t be left alone, afraid that as soon as they looked away, I would kill myself.
I won’t lie. There were moments when I thought about it. Moments when the black shadows surrounded everything, and I couldn’t see a future. I didn’t understand how I would ever recover and live again when I had nothing left to live for. Without Ethan, without the baby.
After the call with Ethan, when he told me it was all over, I thought my life was over, too. If he didn’t want me anymore, no one would. No one would want the flawed and broken person I am.
But the months passed, and I healed. My body has healed except for a few faint marks that remain and a nose that is now permanently slightly crooked. On the outside, I am completely normal, but on the inside…
