Page 91 of Frankie and the Fed
“You.”
“You had me.”
“I hope I still do,” I whisper. “At no point did I mean to hurt you or lie to you.”
She turns to me. Her blue eyes are sad, and it hurts like a blow to the heart.
“I made a mistake not telling you about Lena. She caught me by surprise just that morning. I wasn’t ready, and I didn’t handle it well. I’m not used to being in a relationship. And besides, I’m sure it’s not my child, and in any case, I don’t want a child from her.”
Ayala is silent for a moment. “And if it is your child?”
“It’s not.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I didn’t come.” There. I said it. “I couldn’t fucking come.”
“What do you mean?”
“The whole time I saw you in front of my eyes. I felt like I was cheating on you, even though we weren’t together. I could barely get it up.”
“And she doesn’t know that?” I see I surprised Ayala with my confession.
“No. Of course not. I pretended I did because it was too humiliating.” There is no other way but the truth now.
“It affects both of us, no matter the result,” she says. “And you didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with me. You keep me outside. Do you know what she told me?”
I shake my head. What did that bitch say to her? I never thought it would be such a big mistake. Huge. And all because I wanted to show how much of a man I am. One hell of a man.
“She said I’d better find another sugar daddy because you’ll be busy soon.”
I smirk, then realize she’s not kidding. “You didn’t take her nonsense seriously, did you? She’s just trying to freak you out.”
“I know. I didn’t think too much about it until after I realized you weren’t going to tell me. That you were hiding things from me. Now I think she was right.”
“No.” I grab Ayala’s arms, but she shakes me off.
“I don’t share your life. I’m just someone who warms your bed. Just like she said.”
“Never. I’ve never felt the way I feel with you. I’m willing to give up everything I have for you. I want to marry you, damn it!”
She smiles a sad smile. “Yeah, right. Marry a doll? Someone who will wait for you at home and not cause problems? So that you can continue to lead your life like before?”
“You are the love of my life, and I’ve shared more with you than I have ever shared with anyone. You know the hardest things about me. Things no one knows. How can you say that? How can you think that?” I told her about my terrible past, and not only did she not run away, but she also stood up to my parents and defended me. Twice.
“Why didn’t you tell me there was no apartment? You let me think I had my own place if I needed it. You made me feel stupid when I went looking for you there.”
“The apartment is just a stupid mistake. I planned to cancel the lease while I waited for you to arrive from San Francisco. Then the pictures were published, and I flew back to you, and I forgot the whole matter. I didn’t mean to. It just happened. I’d been worrying about you, and I just missed the deadline. I simply completely forgot about it.”
She shakes her head. “I would have understood. It makes sense. If only you’d bothered to explain it to me. But you chose not to share with me. Again.”
“I’m just a man. I make mistakes. When I remembered about it, it was too late. And you didn’t mention the apartment either. I thought we were doing fine, that we would live together. And yesterday, I was just a coward. I didn’t want you to find out and get even angrier with me. Like now. I’ll rent you an apartment. I kneel and rest my head on her lap.
“I don’t want an apartment, nor anything else. I want a partner. Someone I can tell everything to and someone who will tell me everything back. Even the hard things.” Her gaze is fixed on my eyes.
“I can be your partner. I can get better. Give me a chance. I make a lot of mistakes, I know, but I’ll learn. You’re my first real girlfriend. There’s a learning curve.” I smile crookedly. What else can I say? How can I convince her? I rest my head on her lap in despair.
I feel a slight flutter in my hair, then deeper, as she runs her fingers through it, and I surrender to the touch.
