Page 25 of Frankie and the Fed
I just stand, leaning against the wall, and pant heavily.
“What the hell are you doing? I went to the hospital today, and they told me you checked yourself out against doctors’ orders,” he says as he starts pacing the floor.
It surprised me he didn’t show up here yesterday. Turns out it took a while for the news to reach him.
The room spins, and I surrender to my legs melting beneath me, sinking to a sitting position on the floor and resting my head against the wall.
“Shit, Ethan.” Ryan rushes over and squats in front of me. “Don’t faint on me. I’m calling an ambulance.”
I shake my head. I’m not going back there. “No. I’m fine. Just give me a moment to recover.” I try to regulate my breathing. The world revolves around me, but I don’t tell him that.
He looks worried, really worried. I probably look as bad as I feel.
“You reek of alcohol.”
“I didn’t plan on you coming to visit, so I didn’t save any for you.”
“It’s dangerous with the pills you’re taking. But you already know that.” His mouth twists in anger. “Come on.” He bends down and puts his shoulder under my good arm to support me. I moan in pain. Fuck.
Any other person I would have thrown out, but Ryan has seen me in difficult situations before. He helps me get to the bed, and I lie down carefully, trying not to open the stitches.
“I haven’t seen you like this since...”
“Since Anna. You can say it.” My eyes are closed, and I don’t see his reaction. For a moment, I’m tempted to open them just for that. I can’t explain to him how both of them have morphed into one woman in my mind. And every time I close my eyes, I see Anna’s dead eyes turn into Ayala’s blue ones.
“Yes, since Anna. You’re falling apart because of this woman, Ethan.”
“Yeah, getting stabbed and shot tends to make someone fall apart.” I let out a fake laugh.
“You know what I mean, and it’s not your physical condition. And by the way, you look awful. You shouldn’t have come home like this.”
I twist the corner of my mouth into a half smile. “I was naïve to think we could be together. That we could beat the past. I’m a walking disaster. I bring hell to every woman I love. So yeah, a little self-destruction after destroying another woman’s life and causing her to be raped doesn’t sound so bad to me. I shouldn’t have gone out with her in the first place.”
“What the hell are you talking about? You didn’t get anyone raped.” I’m glad I didn’t open my eyes now and can’t see him.
“She would never have gone back to him if it wasn’t for me. It was because of the threat against me. She went back to him because of me. Only because of me.” Even her parents said that. They blamed me for everything that happened, and they were right.
“Because she loves you.”
“And where did that get her? Back to the monster. I should have never pursued her. Now I’ve killed another woman I loved.” Another death on my black conscience.
“She’s not dead, Ethan! You didn’t kill her. She survived. And you’re not to blame for this any more than you were to blame for what happened to Anna. Ayala knew Michael Summers long before she met you, and she was in an abusive relationship with him long before she met you. You are not the one who got her in trouble. You were just trying to save her.”
Now I’m shouting just as loud as Ryan. “You weren’t there. You didn’t see her. No human can survive something like that without dying. I died a little just looking at her. After that, I can’t possibly look her in the eyes again. I just can’t.”
“You love her, Ethan. You can’t just give her up like this.” His eyes widen. “She needs you.”
“I can. I’ve already given her up. She’ll be better off without me.”
“Ethan. She’s not Anna,” he says, but I seal my heart against his plea and remain silent. There is nothing in the world he can say now that will change my mind. She’s better off without me. Her parents asked me to keep my distance, and that’s what I’ll do. She doesn’t need the destruction I bring with me.
With a little luck, Ayala will recover and start over. Maybe she’ll find herself a good guy. I hurt everyone I love. I always knew relationships weren’t for me. I have to make sure this never happens again.
“I hope to God it’s just the pills and alcohol talking, and after you recover a bit, you’ll understand what you’re doing. I just hope it won’t be too late.”
I turn my head to the other side.
Ryan leaves the room and returns after a few minutes, holding a stack of pages.
