Page 102 of Vicious Arrangement
Katie:Don't you have work?
Me:Do NOT get me started.
Katie:My crystal ball says N-O-A-H.
I don’t disabuse her. I text her again.The little Thai place in the East Village.
Katie:You’re pregnant.
Me:It’s not a problem. They can make it mild, too.
I roll my eyes at her concern, but I’m also touched. I walk to the East Village, and when I get to the restaurant, Katie’s already there.
She takes one look at me, gets up and hugs me. “What’s wrong, Ari?”
I sit down and have a tea to her glass of white wine, and it all comes out, his discovery of a brother, how my help devolved down into another fight and how upset I am that his general MO is to just avoid, avoid and have sex, then avoid.
We place our orders, and I lean forward. “Every time things seem to be better and we make progress he just retreats again and throws up walls. I just wanted to help.”
“I know.” She squeezes my fingers. “And I agree he shouldn’t have shut you out, but Ari, I don’t think he’s had anyone.”
“He’s had Asher.”
She smiles. “Yes, but they’re friends from the beginning, and since they’re the same age, it’s different to a parent, and it’s different to the person they’re falling for because love makes someone vulnerable.”
“He’s not in love.”
“With Asher, definitely not, so with him, he’s safe. He knows whatever he does or says, he’s not losing Asher. He doesn’t know if he might lose you.”
She’s so wrong. He isn’t in love or falling, as much as I’d like him to be. “He wants me around because I’m key to his inheritance. I’m also having his kid, so…”
Katie snorts. “Oh, come on. I mean sure, but Noah would shut you out and set up boundaries of friends with benefits with you, worn a little tight cap to bed, if you know what I mean, if there was nothing, and he wouldn’t put up any walls because you wouldn’t know a thing.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” I say.
“It’s totally how it works,” she says, waiting until her papaya salad is served and I get my prawn and pork wonton soup with greens.
It’s peppery but not spicy, and I take a spoonful of the liquid, letting the wholesomeness sink down in me. “No it isn’t.”
She sighs. “Aria, he tries to let you in, but even I can tell from everything you told me he’s scared. He doesn’t do this.”
“Are you team Noah?” I ask.
“No. I’m team happy Aria, and I think that means including him on that team.” She sighs and forks some shredded papaya. “This is all overwhelming for him, you, this brother from the ether, all his ugly memories. And he’s someone who usually avoids dealing with feelings.
“I know I said he was a player, but I think that was just a way to keep from being vulnerable. His life sounds… horrible, and his grandfather was an ass. But I see him look at you, and there’s no one else in the world around him when he does. Fuck boys don’t do that.”
“You called him that, not me.” I really can’t remember if I did or not, but I know she did.
Ari, Noah’s doesn’t deal with feelings, he hides from them. He’s been so closed off in the past, at the beginning of everything. I saw it at the wedding, how much fun he was having, how he also held back. To go from the smug guy you met at the bar to wedding guy to someone real, that’s big.
“The fact he even told you what was going on and that he has a brother turn up is a huge step forward for him.” She picks up her wine and sips it. “Don’t you think?”
“Maybe.”
Katie pushes back her chair and stands. “That’s my line, Ari. Don’t eat my last half of the salad. I need to go the restroom.”
I watch her go. She’s right. I stare at my soup and sigh. I know she’s right, but deep down I wonder if I’ll ever reach him and if he’ll let his guard down enough for me to know how he truly feels about me.
