Page 53 of Damian & Jun: Episodes 1-4
Richard’s hand tightened a fraction. The small lines around his eyes wrinkled, and something dark and painful passed through his gaze. “Then remember that every cut you make on yourself is also cutting Damian.”
Jun froze, not even breathing. His hand tightened on the back of Richard’s suit, and his eyes fell. “Why aren’t you jealous?”
“Because I love each person in my life for what they are. There’s a place for each of them, a place only they could fill. Damian fills the Damian part of my heart, and I fill the Richard part in his. But the Jun part in his heart can only be filled by Jun. Why would I leave his heart empty when I care for him?”
No one had ever explained love so simply and so completely to Jun. Richard Reevesworth was officially the most terrifying human he had ever met.
“We only hoard those we love from others if we believe we will be without if we are not exclusive, if we ourselves do not have the capacity to love expansively. The only limit on love that I recognize is hours in the day to commit myself to those I have sworn.”
Jun blinked fiercely. At some point, he had gripped the front of Richard’s jacket.
“I thought you were dangerous. Now I know you’re terrifying.” He pulled away, finding his feet.
Richard looked up at him. “Why?”
“Because I don’t know if I’m just a bad person or a broken person. I’m afraid you’ll take Damian away from me. And I should let you. I shouldn’t have even called. His life is better without me. I should love him enough to walk away. I don’t understand this concept of love. I think I understand it, and I also know I don’t understand it. I have to leave.”
Richard was smiling again, that little hint of pleasure and amusement that curled the edges of his lips that was almost worse than his outright grin.
“If you ran, he’d chase you.”
“No.” The denial sounded weak even to Jun’s own ears.
Richard half smiled. “You want to be chased. You need to be chased.”
“I don’t. I want everyone to stop chasing me.”
“Do you? Or do you want the ones you actually need to chase you?”
Jun shuddered. This was too much. He needed to breathe, to clear his head. None of this could be real. People like Richard and Damian didn’t exist. They couldn’t. Any moment and the other shoe was going to drop. Nothing he wanted to be real this much was actually going to prove true.
He spun on his heel, his hands tugging down on his skirt. “I’m sorry.”
Distance. He needed distance. He dashed for the outer door, grabbing his cape off the couch on the way. There was a fear running through him that was completely different from the fear Bak had created the night before. It tasted different in his mouth, felt different inside his bones. No, there were two fears running through him, one that everything was a lie, that Richard was just Bak but better, and one that he was real, that Damian was real.
And if they were real, if everything Damian had explained in bits and pieces over the years, if the newspaper articles about how far Richard had been willing to go for those he called his own, if Richard was willing to offer that to Jun, just to make Damian happy…
No, just no. That wasn’t something he wanted to taste and lose. He already didn’t know how he was going to handle losing the other guys in 5N, the closest thing to family he had now. Losing Damian would be worse.
Maybe he should go back to Bak. Maybe…
His stomach rolled, and bile filled his mouth. Somehow, he was out on the sidewalk, winter wind in his face, darkness overhead punctuated by way too many city lights, everything blurred by the tears running down his face. But it wasn’t enough obscuration. He needed more., he needed to not think, he needed…
He didn’t know what he needed, but he was running blindly, his flat-booted feet scraping the sidewalk with each stride. Who knew tights were so good for running, that skirts were so unrestricting? He was flying. His blood was pumping for some other reason now, something other than fear, and that felt so damn good. People were parting and giving him looks, some even shouting, but he wasn’t even himself. For once, he couldn’t find a scrap of code or formality within him to care. All those times he’d held back, all those times he bit his tongue, all the years he’d ducked into cars and hurried from car to lobby to backstage to sound stage and back again, only to be locked up in the dormitory until next time…
Maybe he could run forever. Never stop. Everything was simple now. Simple and clean. The burn in his lungs was burning away thought.
Lamp lights sparkled on cold river water. The Han spread out in front of him. He’d run so far so fast he’d reached the farthest south he could go without a bridge. Now he had to go east or west–the shrubbery and dead winter grass of the park that ran along the Han through Seoul stretched out on either side of him nearly deserted. Not many wanted to be out by the cold water at this time of day, not unless they were well wrapped up. He laughed, his stride slowing, and only that let him hear the footsteps behind him. Someone was running after him.
He glanced back.
It was Damian, coat off, tie tucked into his shirt, chasing him.
Something hot flashed through Jun. He turned east onto the wide-open path along the water. It was dry from the previous night's rain, and the temperature hadn’t fallen low enough to create ice. His stride lengthened. He couldn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop. As long as he was running free, he was safe.
And everyone else was safe from him.
He was even safe from himself. The cold was going to protect him. Somehow, it was going to clean him, like fiery ice.
