Page 88 of Cowboy Seeks Husband
Chapter 15
“Leave me alone.”
Molly hummed and tapped her charming little chin. “No, I don’t think so. Luke is going to sit down with you and ask you deep and meaningful questions about your feelings on Walker’s ex turning up.”
Roan stopped with his hand on the fridge door and glared at Molly. He’d managed to evade John the day before, but Molly was more persistent. “How long have you known this was going to happen?”
Molly laughed. “Since before we started filming, babe. What did you expect?” She was still laughing as he turned walked into the weirdly quiet living room.
There had been a horseshoe-throwing contest earlier that day with the winner and runner-up being allowed to stay home, while all the losers went out to camp in a field—without Walker—for the night. Somehow, Roan had gotten extremely lucky, and managed to come in second after Ben. He didn’t think there was any way for the produces to have rigged the outcome of the game, and yet it was clear they were pleased with it. Things had been awkward between the two of them ever since Roan had seen Ben kiss Walker, and the camera crew had been all over their very quiet, very tense dinner together.
After turning his back on Molly, he went upstairs to change into a pair of sweat pants. He saw Ben in the other room as he walked by, lying on one of the bunks, staring at the ceiling like it had offended him. As Roan pulled on his sweatpants, he decided to also put on his big boy pants, and address the elephant in the room.
He took a deep breath and then crossed the hallway, leaning against the doorjamb. “Hey,” Roan said awkwardly. “I thought maybe we should talk.”
Ben’s face twisted in a grimace. He said nothing for so long that Roan was about to give up and walk away when Ben suddenly sat up. “Yeah, okay. You’re right. Let’s do this.”
“Yeah?” Roan hesitated. Now he wasn’t sure the he even wanted to.
Ben turned to him, his handsome face lined with sadness. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. About the other day. It was all—”
“A set-up. I know.”
“Yeah, but that’s just it. I agreed to go along with it for the worst reason.” Ben buried his face in his big hands, and Roan blinked at him, surprised at seeing the big guy so vulnerable. Ben looked up again, blue eyes rimmed with red. “I’m not even into him,” he softly said. “Molly put me up to it just to fuck with you, to get a reaction out of you, the way they’re always doing to us. And I didn’t want to fuck with you, Roan, because I….” His voice caught. “I really care about you.”
Roan froze with his hand pressed to his mouth. What was Ben saying here? That he was into Roan? Likethat? Or was this just a set-up, too? They were still being recorded after all. The blinking red lights of the cameras all over the room made that clear. And they were body mic’ed. He didn’t know what to believe. “Oh my God,” he managed eventually. “They have to create a dramatic storyline for everyone, don’t they? Does Walker know the truth?”
Ben shook his head, eyes dark and wide, like Roan hadn’t said the right thing, but he wasn’t going to correct him. “No. I haven’t talked to him since.”
“Maybe you should tell him the truth. He has the right to know.” Guilt twanged in his chest. Maybe he should listen to his own advice.
“Yeah,” Ben said, lying down again and covering his eyes with his arm. “He does.”
At a loss, Roan wandered to his own room and gathered up the dirty clothes he’d piled neatly in a corner. He should do some washing, really, now that everyone was gone and the machines were open. Maybe have a long, hot, private bath. But he didn’t feel like indulging. His heart and mind were racing and not in a good way. He should never have come here.
It was raining again, so he made himself some hot herbal tea and went to sit on the back porch to watch it pour down from one of the rocking chairs. The water battered on the tin roof above him. He wished he could snap a few pictures of the view and send them to his mom. He closed his eyes and imagined a text conversation with her instead.
So pretty. How are you doing, darling?she’d reply to his text of the pictures.
I’m okay, he’d send back.
You sure?
Because she would know. Somehow, from the other side of the country and through just a few words, she would know. He sighed and imagined his reply.No. I’m not okay.
Why, honey?
I think I really like him.
Oh, Roan.
She wouldn’t send anything else. She wouldn’t need to, and she’d know he wouldn’t want to talk about it and that trying to convince him to make a go of things here—because that’s what she’d suggest, he just knew it—would get her nowhere.
Roan missed his mom so damn much.
He stayed on the porch until his butt went numb on the hard wooden rocking chair. He realized he was half-hoping Walker would show up, but chances of that were slim in this kind of weather. With the producers away, Walker was probably out with his cows, doing the work he needed for the ranch even in the rain. Because he was that kind of man. Dedicated, hard-working. A true cowboy. Roan let his head thud back against the chair and rocked gently back and forth.
Flashbacks of what they’d done on the back of Walker’s horse kept assaulting him at the most inopportune moments, but now he relentlessly pushed them away. He didn’t know how to feel about what they’d done, and, when he was at his most insecure, all he felt was shame. During the day he could put it in perspective, knowing Walker had been really into it, but in the darkest, sleepless hours of the night, surrounded by other men vying for Walker’s attention, he kept reliving the whole thing, unable to shut off his brain. The squirmy feeling the whole thing gave him wasn’t the good kind.
