Page 95 of Cowboy Seeks Husband
He’d missed Mike too. Once he’d missed him like something’d been ripped out of his chest. But that was years ago, and now…
“I can’t,” Walker croaked. “I’m sorry.”
Mike sat back and nodded. “Is this because of Roan?”
“Partly, but not only.”
“He’s not coming back, Walker.”
“I realize that.” Fuck that hurt to say out loud, but the truth was he had no reason to believe that Roan would ever come back to him. He’d been on the show for the money, and even if something real had started between them, it’d been a hothouse love, grown in forced conditions, and killed by exposure to the outside world. “But that doesn’t mean I’m just going to jump into something with you as a replacement. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone.”
Mike’s jaw clenched, and he reached for his wine, draining half the glass. “Replacement,” he said softly. “We were together foryears. You only knew Roan a few weeks. I know you loved me once. You can’t compare that to whatever little crush you have on Roan.”
“Yes, Mike. Loved. Past tense as in years ago. You broke my heart when you left, but I picked up the pieces and carried on. I’m flattered you’d be willing to try again, but it’s not going to happen.”
“Okay.” Mike reached for the wine bottle to refill his glass, but changed his mind and pulled back. “Okay,” he said. “I know when I’ve lost. I’m just…sorry.”
“Yeah,” Walker said. “Me too.”
“You’re still going to pick me this weekend, right?”
Walker pushed away from the table. He didn’t care what John, or Molly, or anyone else said, this date was over. “I don’t know, Mike,” he said. “I guess it depends on what I’m told to do. It’s not like any part of this hasn’t been a giant sham anyway.”
Mike gave him a shrewd look. “But not all of it.” Walker opened his mouth. Closed it. “Give the kid a call when this is all over, Walker. Who knows what he’s going through? Have patience with him. If you care about him this much, you owe him a call.”
Walker touched his hat and stalked from the barn. When Mike was wrong, he was spectacularly wrong, but when he was right, he was entirely right. Walker wanted nothing more than for the show to be over so he could reach out to Roan.
He did owe him that much. There was nothing he wanted more than to make sure Roan was okay. He just hoped Roan wanted to hear from him.
There were alot of things that Roan wished he could go back in time and do differently. He wished he’d made more time for his mother the years he was in college and grad school. He wished he could somehow have known before she did about the cancer in her ovaries and gotten her to seek help sooner. He wished he could have been there to catch his mom before she’d hit the kitchen floor. He wished he’d been able to tell her goodbye, because the doctors said there was no hope for her waking up. The only way out for her now was the permanent exit, and his last words with her would always and forever be his last.
Roan sat beside her hospital bed. The darkness outside her window fading to the navy that heralded dawn. He had his fingers twined with her frail ones, and he talked to her quietly, wondering if she could understand him at all wherever she was now.
“I don’t regret meeting him, though, Mom,” he whispered. “I regret that I missed that time with you, but I’m glad I met him. I wish you could have met him, too. You’d have liked him.” He paused, huffed a small laugh. “He has a fine ass.”
The machines bleeped and buzzed, and he looked up at the numbers. Her respiration rate was way down. Each breath like pulling through water. Roan squeezed his eyes closed and took a slow inhale himself to keep his panic at bay. Anything to keep from screaming or sobbing again. He’d done that already. It didn’t help anything at all.
Ben had somehow ferreted out which hospital his mother was staying at and had come to visit after leaving the show. It’d been awkward and strange. Like a part of a dream—and not even the best part—had come to life and stepped into his hospital room reality. He had wanted to shield his mother from Ben’s gaze. He hadn’t wanted her to be seen that way, not by someone who’d never met the real her. The vibrant, funny, smart-mouthed, beautiful woman she had been.
Ben hadn’t stayed long. He’d been kind enough, but ultimately he’d sensed that he was unwanted. If his professed feelings for Roan had been real, maybe they were the product of the circumstances of the show or they’d fizzled in the face so much painful reality. But Ben hadn’t brought up his so-called love, and he hadn’t called or come back after that first visit. Roan didn’t blame him, and, frankly, was relieved.
In all likelihood, Walker would be the same way. A forbidden romance during the filming of a reality TV show was a lot hotter than the reality of a broken-hearted man who hadn’t eaten in a week, and was wearing stained jeans and the same old T-shirt for the third day in a row.
“It was a fantasy,” he whispered to his mother’s sunken face. “All of it. That I could bring back enough money to save you. That Walker could care for me. I always did have a good imagination, Mom.” He laughed sadly. “And you encouraged me. You always encouraged me.”
The darkness outside the window ripened to a lighter blue. The sun was coming up. Another all-nighter by her side, but he knew deep down it would be the last. He put his lips to his mother’s hand, kissed the roughened skin.
“It’s okay, Mom. I’m all right.”
Her straining breath hitched.
“You go on now. I love you. But you…it’s time for you to go on.”
The machine’s noises didn’t change. Not for another hour or so. But by dawn, Roan was alone when a nurse came in to confirm.
His mom was gone.
Walker stood onthe porch of the farmhouse and stared up at the early dawn sky. A falling star trailed into the moody blue of the rising sun. He closed his eyes, sent up a prayer, and then adjusted his hat.
It was time to start the day. It didn’t much matter how much he yearned to talk to Roan, to find out how he was doing. The only way out was through. One more day, one more elimination round, and then he would be free of all of his contractual obligations, and the ranch would be finally out of debt.
Come Monday, Reed Ranch could be back to normal, and about time too since there was a lot to do in preparation for hurricane season. Now, if only he could convince his heart to stop aching with every beat, reminding him constantly of what he already knew: Roan was gone.
He set out toward the barns, feeling heavy-hearted and helpless. In the end, what good was the money if he wasn’t the man he wanted to be? What good had come out of doing the show at all? If Roan lost his mother and was out there hurting alone while Walker was ‘courting’ the final men, he’d never forgive himself.
Even if he wasn’t wanted, even if Roan’s feelings had all been for the show, Walker wanted to do whatever he could for Roan to ease him through. Digging his phone out of his pocket, he pulled up the internet and searched for flights.
Cincinnati. Four hundred and fifty-eight dollars.
He paused by a big tree, pulled his wallet out of his back pocket, and dug his credit card out. He bought the tickets without hesitation. The sun crested the horizon. No matter what happened tonight, he had a plan.
