Page 4 of My Rules for Revenge
“Can I get a job?”
“Absolutely not, Heather. Focus on school.”
I had one last plan to execute. I grabbed a giant bag of wrapped candies and gently placed it hidden inside the cart.Unfortunately, my mom saw me. I tried to persuade her that sugar made you happy, but she argued that it caused disease. I believed that since sugar also made you happy, it was worth getting a disease. Shockingly, she disagreed. We disagreed even more on how to handle the situation that happened next.
As my mom was putting back the giant bag of candies on the shelf, an obnoxious young man who was talking on the phone squeezed between my mom and me to get through. He bumped into both of us and made my mom drop the bag onto the floor.
I almost burst into flames. This obnoxious twerp not only disrespected me, but he also disrespected my mom. He never turned around to apologize and just continued on his way. Whenever someone did something like that, I never let it go; I had to get even. My mom felt differently.
“Mom, can you believe that guy? I mean, what the hell? Sorry, I meant, What the heck?” I quickly corrected myself.
“It’s fine. He wasn’t paying attention. Let it go.”
“Mom, why do you do that? Why don’t you ever say something?”
“I’m not going to cause a scene in public. He might be dangerous. Didn’t you hear about those cannibals in that motel just outside Brightwood Lake?”
“Even if he’s a cannibal, it doesn’t give him an excuse to be so fudging rude,” I reasoned.
“Language!”
“What? I said, ‘fudging.’ ”
“I know what you implied.”
“Hold on. I’m about to imply something to thatfuckingdweeb over there.”
“Heather, no! Don’t cause a scene!”she yelled.
I tuned her out as I picked up and put away the fallen bag of candies. I walked over to the little twerp and prepared for war.
In my head, I called him “Dilbert.” I felt most people named Dilbert were either goofy weirdos or cannibalistic worshippers of Satan. This Dilbert was special—he was just an ass. When I caught up to him, I tapped him hard several times on the shoulder. I made sure I dug into his weak shoulder bone. He looked like he had one of those.
“Uh, what?” Dilbert asked, with a surprised look on his face.
“You made my mom drop something on the ground. Those candies. You bumped into us and didn’t even say ‘sorry.’ ”
“Oh. Sorry, I guess?” Dilbert expressed, with doubt in his voice.
“What do you mean, ‘you guess’?”
“I don’t know. Bro, I’m kind of on the phone right now,” Dilbert explained.
“Oh, you are?”
“Yeah. Obviously.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it—bro! I can’t believe I was interrupting you—bro.” I mocked.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it, bro.”
“Okay!”
“By the way, now that I think about it, I think you two were in the way. You were both occupying both sides of the aisle,” Dilbert said.
“Oh, we were? Damn. We’re so dumb.”
“I wouldn’t say that, but sure, I guess.”
