Page 13 of Blood and Penance
“You got this, Phoenix. This is for Giancarlo.”
I briefly close my eyes as anxiousness consumes me, then when I feel like I'm in control of my emotions, I enter the nave that’s lined with wooden pews and people scattered throughout.
Massive stain glass windows reaching from the high ceilings to the floor depicting biblical scenes cast a kaleidoscope of colors around the large space. Intricate artwork also depicting biblical scenes, saints, and the Virgin Mary hang around the area that’s usually packed full for Mass.
My measured steps approach the altar of the cathedral. I run my clammy hands down my pencil skirt, but keep my chin lifted to mask my nervousness.
When I first see him, I know I’ll only have a moment of peace before heartache digs its ugly talons into my heart. Before memories of our last time together flood my mind.
I once believed God abandoned me when the man I loved walked out of my life. When that happened, I knew I was truly alone. Not even God stood by my side if He could take from me what was the most precious thing in my life. Even though I still haven’t forgiven God for breaking apart my family, He gave me someone who gave me comfort, someone who gave me a little bit of peace. My son.
Our son.
I’ve done everything to convince myself this isn’t the best idea, but Seraphina is right. I need help. I need to keep Giancarlo safe even if it means asking the man who destroyed my world to help me do it. Even if it means facing his anger for keeping Giancarlo a secret.
My heels click against the tile floor of the church aisle, the rhythm of the sound keeping me grounded. When his eyes land on me, they widen for a moment, and it’s like he’s holding his breath. Shock is written all over his face, but I keep my emotions under control. I’ve become a master at hiding what I feel. I had to while I was with Lio, and now I’ll have no trouble hiding whatI feel for Father Gianni as I keep reminding myself that this is about my son.
Nothing else.
When I show him no reaction, worry and fear enter his eyes. Maybe he can sense something’s up, or maybe he’s afraid of dealing with the aftermath of his decision. Who knows? But he stares at me warily as I approach the altar where he watches over his sheep.
Will he help me when he finds out what I’ve done?
My tired eyes remain fixed on him without wavering. It’s almost like I’m walking to my future and my eternal damnation all at the same time. He’s so beautiful. Even more beautiful than he was all those years ago. His hair is buzzed now, and he’s aged, but he still looks likemy Gianni.
How can one person be your hope and your destruction all at the same time? It’s something I can’t explain, but that’s who Gianni Puglisi is to me. And now after years apart, I realize it’s what he’s always been to me. He gives me life while also being the man who can destroy me.
Too much power for one person to have over another.
The gentle hum of the organ, a deep and resonant sound, mingles with the heavy scent of incense, creating an atmosphere of turmoil for me. It’s an acrid smell and sound I detest because it’s a part of him now.
He gave up on us to become a priest.
When I reach the altar, his frustrated sigh reaches my ears. He hates me for the memories and desires I stir within him. I can see it written all over his face. But deep down he loves me just as much as I love him. The love we share isn’t a love that can be easily erased. Not by Lio and not by him becoming a priest. No matter how much I want it to. And no matter how much he wants it to.
Even though I know I’m going to burn in hell for even stepping foot inside a church after what I’ve done, I slightly dip at the knees and do the sign of the cross over my chest in front of the massive statue of Jesus Christ hanging on the cross crafted from wood displayed behind the dais of the altar. I find it strangely ironic that the pain etched on the face of someone I abandoned long ago reflects my own inner turmoil to perfection.
While I go through the motions of a devotee, what happens to my soul doesn’t matter. Well, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ll do anything if getting closer to him protects my son. Even endure the pain of being in his presence.
He doesn’t say anything. Yet he can’t take his eyes off me just like I can’t take mine off him. The hunger for what we had no doubt mirrors what’s in mine.
And like the other dutiful sheep in this massive stone building, built of lies disguised as good deeds, looking for redemption, penance or whatever the hell else we think Sky Daddy will give us for what we’ve done in this shit life, I tread toward the smallbox where the sins of my soul will be laid bare to the man who owns me—mind, body, and soul. To confess to him that I might have broken one of his God’s cherished commandments. And I’ll be seeing Hell quicker than I ever thought possible.
Chapter Nine
Gianni
As I take a deep breath, her scent of jasmine and vanilla already saturates the area in front of the confessional. After I believed I spotted her at my mother’s funeral, I knew it wouldn’t be long before she showed up if it was indeed her. We both have things that need to be said to one another after all these years apart.
Father Giraldi helped me see that in order for me to move past my life with Phoenix, I have to fully let her go. And I know deep down I haven’t done that, and I don’t believe she has either. Why else would she show up at my mother’s funeral if she doesn't still care for me?
I hate that I’m in this never-ending circle of love I can’t let go of. My heart hurts when she’s away even after all these years, and that pain rose tenfold when she stepped inside this cathedral.
It’s like a push and pull when it comes to her. She’s my greatest sin that can destroy my life, but also the salvation I can never have.
I can’t take too many of these encounters. She’ll pull me in, and we haven’t even spoken one word to each other. I can’t give into temptation. I can’t give into sin again. My soul has been redeemed, and I refuse to let her pull me back into the world. I refuse to let her damn my soul to the fiery pits of Hell for eternity along with hers. I’m a better man now. I’m saved, no longer damned.
When I walked away from her, the sorrow in her eyes, the heartbreaking cries she screamed drove me to total destruction. I drank and sniffed cocaine like there was no tomorrow. I tried to fuck away the pain too, but that just added another addiction on top of the alcohol and drugs I had to deal with. Then when she disappeared, it was like the knife sticking out of my chest was twisted, and there was no coming back from that. I killed. I maimed. I robbed. All in the name of the Puglisi Family. All to the delight of my father. I crashed and burned only to be reborn as a new person. Then one day it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I was becoming everything my father wanted me to be, and I made a vow to myself a long time ago I wouldn’t go down that road ever again.
