Page 12 of Blood and Penance
Gianni
After my conversation with Father Giraldi following my mother’s funeral, I felt a lot better. I’m not one hundred percent sure it was Phoenix, but even if it was her, she’s a part of my past. She isn’t part of my present or future. He helped me understand I’m holding on to something that isn’t meant to be. That my relationship with God is the path I’m supposed to be on. That took precedence over everything in my life, including my love and my desire for her.
I thought our conversation got me back on track, but now as I’m lying in my modest bed in my small bedroom at the rectory, she’s all I can think about. It seems like the more I pray to God to deliver me from all these carnal desires, the more the images of us together flicker through my mind—her on top of me ridingme until I release inside her. Me between her wonderful thighs licking that delicious pussy that I remember so well until her arousal fills my mouth. And her plump lips wrapped around my dick, sucking my soul from my body. All the memories play inside my mind like I’m watching a movie on the big screen as I enjoy every last sensation moving through my body.
The sound of my groan fills the room as I reach down to adjust the noticeable tent forming in my boxer briefs. I brush my hand over the top of my sensitive head, feeling the wetness of my pre-cum saturating my underwear.
This has been my battle. Give into the sexual urges that will always be a part of me or push through, ignoring them. For so long I’ve been able to push through them without touching myself. But tonight, nothing is working. No matter how hard I pray, no matter how hard I try to fill my thoughts with anything other than her, nothing is working.
Another image of Phoenix on her knees and my fingers gripping her hair rushes through my mind, filling me with even more intense desire. It’s almost like she’s in the room with me. Her intoxicating scent fills my nostrils. Her angelic moans and the sloppy wet noises of her mouth moving up and down my dick is like music to my ears. I can’t stop what my mind, body, and soul crave. I can’t stop the hunger for her, but I also can’t stop the thirst for the sexual release I’ve denied my body for so long.
I pull my hard length from inside my boxers, enjoying the feel of my smooth skin and weight of it in my hand a little too much. I close my eyes as my hand moves up and down my dick,tentatively at first. It’s been so long since I’ve given into this feeling, but oh how I've missed it.
That’s why I wear a cock cage and use other methods that are frowned upon by the Church to force me to tamp down on my sexual desires. The cage and my flogger are a reminder I need to atone for my impure thoughts. I need to ask for forgiveness for my sins. For penance.
If I could wear my cage at night, I would, but it’s impossible to get a comfortable night’s rest. But maybe that’s a fitting punishment for me. If I can’t control my dreams, or my thoughts, maybe I’m not supposed to be comfortable.
Nights are when it’s the hardest to control my thoughts of her, but tonight is the first time I’ve given into them, and right at this moment, I don’t care that I’m committing a sin. Right now, I don’t care I’m a priest who has taken the vow of celibacy. I just need to feel.
God, forgive me.
I grip my dick tighter while increasing my movements as I get more comfortable with my actions—as I enjoy the intense feeling moving over me. My movements are so fast, so hard that the wooden frame of my modest bed squeaks as it scrubs against the wooden floor. It’s a good thing that no one else is here.
“Fuck!” I moan, my deep voice echoing through the small room as I move my hand over the sensitive head again and again until tingling covers my entire body.
I tightly hold on to my dick, sliding my hand from the bottom to the top, savoring the intense sensations that make my entire body tremble. The only thing that would be better than this would be Phoenix’s warm, wet cunt wrapped around me.
The imagery of her pussy snuggly wrapped around me, welcoming me home, and her whispers of love and devotion is all it takes to push me over the edge. Every muscle in my body stiffens as a breathtaking, earth-shattering explosion erupts. A wave of heat races through me like a wildfire, and all I can do is squeeze my eyes shut as my orgasm slams into me like a freight train. Years of pent-up sexual frustration and desire surge forward like a tsunami.
“Phoenix,” I moan as ropes of cum land on my stomach, my thighs, and the hand that’s gripping my cock for dear life.
I lay there a few moments with my hand covered in cum around my cock and with my eyes closed, as I try to get my breathing under control. I bask in the wonderful feeling, but once my orgasm subsides, I’m swarmed with feelings of disgust and unworthiness.
Come as you aresounds inside my head, and I blow out a breath. It’s the same four words I always hear when I’ve needed to ask for forgiveness.
Sitting up in my bed, I toss my legs over the side. I let out another deep breath as I open the drawer of my nightstand. After reaching inside, I pull out my Bible and my tool I use for my punishment. Seven thick cords of worn brown leather,each long and braided, are stained dark with my blood. They've been split into seven strands and knotted at the end. Each one represents the seven deadly sins. However, tonight, I’m only dealing with one of the seven, the one that I always seem to lose control to—lust.
I walk to the window, where I have a clear view of the moon, casting its gentle glow inside the room. Despite feeling embarrassed by being covered in my bodily fluids, I follow God’s instructions and present myself to Him as I am.
I should feel humiliated for what I’ve just done. As a priest, as a man who has taken a vow of celibacy, I’ve shown weakness tonight. Now, it’s time I ask for forgiveness while covered in the evidence of my sin.
Even though I know this scripture by heart, I still open my Bible to the preferred scripture I like to repeat when I have to pay penance. The pages already stained with my blood.
“For if you live according to your human nature, you are going to die, but if by the Spirit you put to death your sinful actions, you will live.”
I hiss, and a sharp intake of breath escapes my lips as the first strike connects with my back. It’s so intense, pain moves through my entire body.
“For if you live according to your human nature, you are going to die, but if by the Spirit you put to death your sinful actions, you will live,” I repeat.
I strike my back again, and this time the stinging pain of my skin splitting causes tears to well in my eyes. But I don’t stop. This is the price I must pay for the sins I’ve committed tonight in front of God. He is the only one who can show me mercy even if I don’t deserve it.
“For if you live according to your human nature, you are going to die, but if by the Spirit you put to death your sinful actions, you will live,” I repeat before the third strike hits my back.
This time, sticky, warm blood trails down my back, and the sweet metallic scent fills my nostrils as it flows freely. I continue to strike my back until tears streak down my face, and my body can no longer bear the pain. In all, it takes around fifteen strikes before I feel God’s grace and mercy. And with my head bowed, blood freely flowing down my skin, I pray to the Heavenly Father to forgive me once again until black spots dot my vision and everything goes black.
Chapter Eight
Phoenix
