Page 57 of Reaper
“What kind of things?”
“Unthinkable things. I need you to remember, I’m not the good guy, sweetheart. But I’ll do everything I need to do to keep you in my life. You remember asking me once what my tattoos meant?”
“Yeah.”
I remember that day like every other day I’ve spent with him. I’m sure both tattoos have very significant meanings to him and I’m glad he’s opening up now.
“Well, they make sure I never forget the two versions of who I am. The dark and the light. The killer and the lover. Over the years I’ve been able to tame it mainly by fighting.”
“So, that’s why you were at the underground fights? To help?”
“Yes. When I met Blake, she changed my world.”
The pain in his eyes shifts and a small smile crosses his face. A dead woman shouldn’t make me jealous, but it’s hard not to be when his thoughts of her changes his entire attitude.
“How long were you together?”
“Not long.” He sighs. “She was diagnosed with cancer. But that time with her before and after she was sick was magical. She taught me a lot about living, a lot about dying, and a lot about myself. She gave me a lot of peace I didn’t have until you, that is.”
“The tulips?”
It dawns on me the tulips tattooed on his body represent her, the best part of him—the lover.
“That was her favorite flower, and when I got it, it represented her. But it evolved from just representing her. It represents what is good about me. A reminder that despite the darkness, there’s something else there, too.”
“And the ravens?”
He looks in my eyes. “The lives I’ve taken.”
He looks like he’s waiting for a reaction out of me, but I don’t have any. Things have changed since I was with Nikita. I don’t look at things as black and white anymore. I’ve tried to kill a man, that doesn’t make me an evil person. Even though I don’t know the circumstances behind the deaths of these people, Logan isn’t anything like Nikita. And everyone has a dark side, even me.
“Can you tell me about her?”
He sighs, planting his forearms on his thighs. “She made me laugh, cry, was quick with her tongue. She always believed we had one shot at life. And while we’re here, we have to live lifeto the fullest. It’s something she repeated over and over after she got sick. And when she died, I just stopped living because if someone so good, if someone who represented the best of us didn’t get to live, why should I? I thought if she wasn’t here, why should I be happy without her.”
“You know if she loved you, she wouldn’t want that for you, Logan. She would want you to be happy even if she isn’t here with you.”
He releases a breath. “I understand that now. And for a long time, I didn’t believe I could be happy without her. I pushed you away not because I didn’t love you, Paris. Not because I didn’t think you could make me happy. I wanted to give you the chance to experience life free from everything and everybody. You deserved that and more. I wasn’t going stand in the way of that.”
“And what do you want now, Logan?”
“I want you,” he says without hesitation. I believe him but that’s not the answer I’m looking for. He wants me, and I want him, we’ve established that, but that’s not going to make this relationship work by itself.
“But what do youreallywant?”
He looks at me for a moment like he doesn’t understand my question. Of course I want him to want me, but above anything else I want him to be happy. If I’m what makes him happy, then I’m all in. If I’m not, even though it will hurt more than anything, I want him to find happiness with someone else.
“I want to be happy, Paris. You are my happiness.”
Reaper
Thesmileonherface gives me some relief. Even though I sold my condo, and put all my shit in storage, I had every intention of accepting her rejection, then spending a few days at the Seattle chapter’s clubhouse before heading back to Oakland to live at the clubhouse. So, I don’t have a plan for what happens after this but whatever it is, I want her to be a part of it.
“And you think you can be happy with me?” she asks.
“Absolutely.”
I don’t have to think about the answer. In the short time she’s been in my life, I’ve been a different person. I’ve enjoyed not killing myself in the gym trying to keep the darkness away. All that is because of her. Of course, the darkness is still there. I feel it simmering inside me all the time, but I know as long as she’s in my life, I don’t have to give in to it. She is my light.
