Page 5 of Nomad
Throughout our time together, Angie had asked, repeatedly, for me to let her into my heart, to give her all of me—mind, body, and soul. I tried many times; it wasn’t like I didn’t want to. If it were possible, I believed I would have given Angie the world. Give her everything I knew she wanted from me, including the marriage proposal she’d been alluding to for the past year. She was a wonderful person, inside and out. Our chemistry was off the charts, inside the bedroom and out. Yet, something deep inside kept me from committing beyond anything we were doing right now.
Stop deluding yourself. It’s not something, but someone.
When I first moved into town, Angie pursued me nonstop, like Sadie, although I shouldn’t compare the two. Angie and Sadie were as different as night and day. At first, I’d assumed she was out to conquer the new bad boy in town. I’d found throughout the years, despite the tattoos and the involvement in not-so-legal activities while being a member of a one-percenter motorcycle club, a lot of women, especially the upstanding type like Angie, had a thing for bad boys.
For two years, I turned Angie down each time she asked me out. Sure, I wanted to fuck her. There wasn’t a sane man who wouldn’t want to sleep with a beautiful woman who chased him. If sex was the only thing she’d wanted, it wouldn’t have taken this long to say yes. She was beyond gorgeous with a body to die for. But Angie was looking for more. Women like her always wanted more from men like me. I wasn’t sure if they thought they could change or tame me, but, either way, I was right in knowing what she wanted from the beginning.
Then one day, she caught me coming out of the grocery store, and I said fuck it and gave in. She was a smart, sexy, beautiful woman. What could it hurt? I’d believed if anyone could get Jade out of my head, it would be her.
I was so wrong.
For the past three years, Angie and I had played this game of push and pull between us—her hoping I’d fall head over heels in love with her, and me keeping her at arm’s length, not being able to give her the love she deserved in return. I wasn’t blaming Angie for any of this shit. Our constant limbo was all on me.
“William, is everything all right?” Her question broke through my spiraling thoughts. “For the past few days, you’ve seemed like you’ve got a lot on your mind.”
How did I respond? Did I lie, like I’d done most of the time we’d been together? Everything hadn’t been all right, no matter how much I’d faked like it was. It hadn’t been for a long time.
I should tell her the truth.
Angie was the wrong person in my life, and I knew it. This entire situation we were in wasn’t right. Once again, I knew it. She shouldn’t have been here with me in my home, sharing my bed, experiencing the solace of my space. Jade should be here. It was something I’d known the entire time I’d been with Ang but didn’t want to admit to myself.
Angie was as an elementary school teacher. She loved long walks, riding on my motorcycle, hanging out at my home whenever the mood struck, and she had a young son. The type of person she was, I was sure she was a great mom and the perfect woman. Our arrangement wasn’t perfect, but it was comfortable. However, that nagging in my mind wouldn’t go away. It always stayed, stopping me from committing to something more like Angie hoped. How could I commit to her when someone else had my heart?
I have nothing to give her.
“How was work today?” I faced her, pulling her naked body into my embrace. I swiped the wet, golden strands of hair from her face, then plastered the fakest smile I could muster on mine, hoping she’d drop the subject. I wasn’t in the mood to have a heart-to-heart with her. Not tonight. And I sure as hell didn’t want to argue. “How did the talent show go? Was it a big hit?”
She had been over the local talent show for the kids of Windhaven. The small town only had one school housing kindergarteners up to high schoolers, and the yearly talent show was the rage for the past few weeks, since nothing really happened in Windhaven. Although I didn’t attend, I hoped it was a success for her. It was all she’d talked about, and she worked hard to pull it together.
“Yes. It was a huge hit with everyone, including the kids, but that’s not what we’re talking about.” Splotches of red covered her cheeks as she shimmied out of my arms. Her frustration with me had been growing, and rightfully so. “I’m not letting you change the subject this time, William. I need you to talk to me. You’ve been distant, and every time we need to talk about us, you run. I need to understand what’s happening with us.”
What the hell was there to understand? Nothing was happening, and that was the fucking problem. She wanted to talk about Jade, the one woman I wanted. The woman, I couldn’t have. How would that conversation go? I didn’t see Angie being jealous of another woman, but who wanted to hear another woman was the reason I couldn’t move forward with her?
I walked around her and sat on the end of my bed, hoping like hell to avoid this conversation. The white cotton sheets were in a tangled heap, and the scent of sex lingered in the air. Yet, despite the fun we’d had, I was ready for the night to end. I was more than ready to chase sleep in hopes I could catch it. Today had been a rough one.
“Nothing’s going on, Ang.” I braced my elbows against my bare thighs, looked her in the eye, and lied straight to her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
When denying what I felt for Jade, lying to Angie and myself came easily. As easy as breathing. I knew exactly what Angie wanted to discuss, but I didn’t think coming clean right now was the right time. Or maybe I’d hoped things would change between me and her before I admitted to anything about Jade. However, it had been three damn years. If it had been possible for things to change between us, wouldn’t it have happened by now?
Whenever Angie wanted to know why I wouldn’t open myself up to her, I changed the subject by asking mundane questions like the one about the talent show, or used sex. It wasn’t I wouldn’t open myself to her. I couldn’t. She called it running away, and I agreed with her description.
Sex was the last thing I had in mind because a beautiful, brown-skinned woman occupied it. I’d had to think of fucking Jade an hour ago so I could get my cock hard, which wasn’t fair to Ang. But she wanted to fuck, so I did what needed to be done. It was a shitty ass thing to do, but Jade lived in my mind a lot when I fucked her. Tonight, Angie wasn’t falling for the everyday questions this time. Sure, I could use sex again, but I wasn’t in the mood, and I was ready to call it a night.
Should I come clean?
Angie rolled her eyes and shook her head. “I never took you for a liar, William.”
She didn’t know the half of it. I’d been lying to her and myself since we’d been fucking. What was one more?
“What are we doing here? For the past three years, I’ve waited so long for you to say, ‘Angie, I want more.’ I’d like to introduce you to my son, my parents, and my siblings. I want to meet your family. I want us to do the things normal couples do, like hang out with friends, go to the movies.”
“Both my parents are dead.”
I interrupted her before she carried on with her long ass list of what normal couples did because I didn’t give a fuck about shit like that. We were far from normal. Shit, we weren’t a couple at all, in my mind. It was time she realized it.
“My father was a real prick, but as far as I know, I’m an only child. I don’t want to meet your family or your friends. As for us being a couple, we’re not.”
I’m an asshole, but that should be clear enough for her.
