Page 16 of Nomad
“Do you know he thought of you as his brother?” She walked up beside me, her slender fingers gliding over my shoulder, sending a shiver through my body. “He didn’t have a family. His father left his mother not too long after he was born. Aaron never found out who the man was and then, at thirteen, someone murdered his mother. From then on, he was homeless after running away from foster homes until he enlisted. Not too many people knew his background. So, you were the closest thing to family, other than me and Junior, he had. He couldn’t wait for us to meet you. Aaron looked up to you.”
I dropped my head in disgrace as her words hit me straight in my gut. I knew Aaron thought of me as an older brother. He’d told me as much despite not divulging any information concerning his childhood. That was one of the many reasons I felt like shit for betraying him.
Jade’s lavender and vanilla-scented perfume wrapped around me. Damn, I loved that smell. I’d gotten so used to it over the years. It clung to her clothes, her skin, filled a room when she walked in and remained when she left. Whenever she was around, I wanted to hold her in my arms and revel in her scent. It was one of the many things about her I was going to miss.
I closed my eyes, pushing lust and love to the back of my mind. I rode into town after doing a job for the club to make my peace with my friend and leave. I took the coward’s way out because I didn’t know how to say goodbye to the woman I loved or to the child I wanted as my own. How did I explain I couldn’t be in their lives anymore because I’d fucked up, letting my feelings evolve into something they shouldn’t have?
“Forgive me for letting you down, brother.” I wiped the wetness from my face, cleared my throat, rose to my feet, then touched Aaron’s tombstone one last time. “I’m sorry for everything.”
He deserved so much more than a sorry ass apology from someone he’d trusted with what was most precious to him when he was alive. He deserved my fucking loyalty.
“Sorry?” she asked.
I wiped the wet grass clippings from my jeans, trying to avoid her questioning gaze.
“Why are you apologizing to Aaron?”
“Jade…”
The right words wouldn’t come.
“William, what’s going on?”
The concern in her voice almost caused me to cave and tell her how much I loved her. How much I needed her in my life, and to not do the right thing by my friend. But instead of confessing my love, I repeated in my mind over and over again, like I had done so many times before—she was Aaron’s wife. Not mine. Junior was his son. Not mine. They were his family. Not mine. It was wrong loving them the way I did.
“I’m leaving,” I said before I changed my mind and stayed, making the biggest mistake of my life.
“Oh.” She spoke in a broken whisper. “Well, for how long this time?”
I didn’t miss the slight tremble of her words or the concern in her eyes.
“I know you don’t stay long when you’re in town, but Junior and I would like to spend some time with you before you leave again. We haven’t seen you in a while.”
I faced the only woman I’d ever loved and braced myself for the coming heartache. “I’m leaving for good this time, Jade,” I uttered, my heart wrenching inside my chest with each word. I rubbed my chest as the pain ballooned. They weren’t the words I’d wanted to speak, but they were the words I needed to say, no matter how difficult it was to say them.
“For good?” Her eyes widened and her hand went to her chest. Shock, pain, then sadness clouded them. I read the thoughts swirling in her mind. I was someone else leaving her as Aaron had, although it was intentional on my part. Yet, I couldn’t change it, I repeatedly told myself. Despite how much I wanted her in my arms, I needed to put distance between us. I couldn’t stay and betray one of my dearest friends even if he was dead and gone. I’d never forgive myself.
“Will you at least be back for the town’s memorial unveiling for Aaron in a few weeks?” Her voice was full of hope. Hope I hated to crush, but it needed to be done for my sanity. I couldn’t be around her much longer and not touch or kiss her the way I wanted to.
“No.” I shoved my hands deep inside the pockets of my jeans to keep from reaching out and touching her smooth skin or pulling the ringlet of her hair. “I can’t be here, Jade. I have some things I need to work through on my own. I can’t be here while I do it.”
Her brows pushed together. “Well, where will you go?”
It thrilled me she didn’t ask why I couldn’t work on my issues here near her. I didn’t know if I’d be able to lie to her. It was the best explanation I could think of without telling her the exact reason, even if I believed she deserved to know.
For a long time, I shielded Jade from my feelings because she wasn’t ready to hear my truth. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I was ready to share with her, anyway. She loved Aaron wholeheartedly and mourned him daily. Sadly, the more time I spent with her, the more I realized there might not be a place in her heart for me.
“I’ll go wherever the road takes me.” I shrugged. “Then I know I’ve found home.”
That was the truth. The road always dictated where I ended up. The time came to start my life outside of Jade and Junior. They’d shown me what I could have even if it wasn’t with them. And I wanted it.
A wife.
A kid.
I wanted it all.
“Will you call me from time to time, to let me know that you’re all right?” The tears pooling in her eyes finally slipped down her beautiful brown skin. My heart shattered with each one.
