Page 64 of Bottoms Up
I’m not a fan of arid places. I much prefer waterfalls and healthy forests, but Benji showed me a side of the desert I hadn’t seen before. This magical place had its own pulse, and Benji knew how to read it.
“You love him,” he said while we sat and drank from our water bottles on top of a place we probably weren’t supposed to be. The views were stunning, though, and we’d been careful not to cause damage. One of the many things I love about Benji is that he’s taken the time to learn how to care for the land while we explore it.
“I do.” I took a swig with even more salt than normal, to account for all the sweat pouring off me. “And I’ve thought a lot about my humanity while watching him gain powers and abilities.” Julian had gone through something of a crash course in managing all that power,hispower, once it wasn’t being drained from him.
“If we do this, I want us to be turned by the same vampire.”
Was that going to be a problem? Was he close to a vampire he wanted to be his sire?
“I’d assumed it would be Marco, if I do it.” I hadn’t actually brought it up to him, and that was probably important, but I’d been visualizing my future possibilities as him turning me all along.
“The vampires who feed from…” he shrugged. “Marco feeds off of lust as well as blood, but he comes from a line of vampires who feed from strong emotions and feelings, so there’s a chance you’d end up feeding off of fear, or anger, or who knows what else. As far as I know, you aren’t likely to have to deal with any of that if you’re bitten by Zander, who feeds off blood without all the other complications. We used to think Zander was a lot stronger than Marco, but now we know the fucker can hide his power.”
Another swig, and he shook his head. “No, it isn’t that he’s hiding it, because I don’t think Marco is this huge powerhouse all the time. He beat the old dude, thank goodness, but only with all the other heavy hitters powering him up with lust energy. He needs forewarning to charge up.”
“Maybe on one of our vacations, we can spend some time around Zander, so I can meet him?”
“Yes. I’ve wanted to take you glacier climbing again, so that can work.”
He looked out over the valley, the sun glinting off the rocks, the lake. “I just… I want us to be turned by the same vampire, so we’ll be vampire siblings for eternity, or however long we make it, but also so we can go through those first decades together, learning control and shit.”
The wholelearning controlthing terrified me, mostly because Julian’s one of the strongest, most in-control people Iknow, and he hadn’t been able to pass those tests. Also, I knew how brutal the test is, now.
But Benji would probably break records, he’d figure it out so fast. “You have more control than anyone I know. It’ll be a piece of cake for you.”
“Me?” He snorted and bumped my shoulder with his. “Fuck, Jules. You know your bodysowell. It isn’t like most of us, where we spent most of our lives thinking we were our body. You understood from the start that your body is, like, the vehicle you drive in this reality, this world. You have to deal with the body you ended up with, but it isn’t who you are.”
I considered that a few seconds and realized he was right. “Okay, yeah. I knew my soul wasn’t a gender early on. Elementary school, maybe? I didn’t know what a soul was, I didn’t have the vocabulary yet, but I knew that themeinside my body wasn’t intersex. My body is intersex, but whatever is inside me is genderless.”
I blew out a breath and chuckled. “Then I grew up and realized, if I want to have carnal fun with this body, I had to figure out what kind of sex worked for me.”
“I guess I know more about your sex life than most big brothers, but I won’t apologize for it.”
God, he’d beensofucking nosy when I was a teen. I’d been way-beyond-pissed at him back then, but he’d just been trying to make sure I was safe. It drove me crazy at the time, but I understood now.
I shrugged. “I like being fucked by men.”
He chuckled. “Amongst other things.”
“Don’t be crude.”
The truth was, the thoughts of being turned still scared the hell out of me.
Not just the blood, or the pain, or the possibility of losing myself — though those were real.
It was everything that came after.
I didn’t know where I’d land in the hierarchy. Whether I’d have any real power or be everyone’s bitch.
I didn’t know how long it would take me to learn the mind control stuff — the suggestions, the obedience triggers — or how to shield my thoughts when I didn’t want people listening.
Or how to block outtheirthoughts when I didn’t want to hear them.
I was working on my shields, but shielding as a human was one thing. Shielding as a baby vampire with no impulse control and every predator watching would take it to a whole different level.
And if I couldn’t learn fast enough — if I couldn’t control the hunger, or if I made the testing people doubt for an instant in my ability to pretend to be human and pull it off — the Senatus had the right to auction me off to the highest bidder as a slave. A slave for centuries. Millennia. Maybe longer.
And yet…
