Page 36 of Avalanche
“He might have,” Seth agrees solemnly. I wonder if he knows I can feel the way his body tenses beside my own, his muscles rippling at the remembrance of threatened violence. I press closer to him, wanting more of the softness, wanting to soothe away those rough edges. “I think maybe he would have, if Eddie hadn’t stepped in.”
Eddie.
Eddie, who had glared jealously at my unmade bed and the packets of condoms discarded on the floor. Who had tried—and failed—to hide that jealousy behind a joke and a smile made of glass. Eddie, who didn’t hesitate to step forward and try to fix the mess that I had made, even when Matty looked like he was set to explode.
My stomach clenches, and a pained whimper catches in my throat.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Seth tells me. “People say things in the heat of the moment. It’s okay...”
“Yes. Except I meant it. It wasn’t just the heat of the moment for me,” I tell him miserably. “I love them. I-I love you. I love Eddie. I—I’m in love with all of you guys.”
For some reason, saying this to Seth doesn’t feel as terrifying. Maybe it’s the darkness draped over us like a blanket, or the way the late hour of the night makes this all feel like a dream. Or maybe it’s because this is Seth.
“I’m so in love with you guys it hurts,” I tell him. “Is this what it feels like to fall in love, normally? For normal people? You’ve been in love before, right? Was it like that for you? Are we even made to love this many people all at once?”
“I don’t know what love feels like normally,” Seth chuckles, but it’s a hollow sounding thing. He presses a kiss to the bridge of my nose, his breath warm against my face. “I don’t even know if what I felt before was love. But I can tell you what love feels like right now.”
My heart stutters at his words, a gentle fluttering rising up like some broken-winged bird.
“It feels like everything is spinning out of control,” he whispers, and there’s no hint of mirth in his voice now. “It’s pain and absolute bliss wrapped into one. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and it fills my dreams when I’m sleeping. It’s… it’s terrifying too…” he pauses, then shuffles closer to me, as if there really is some danger outside the safety of these blankets, threatening to consume us both. “I’m so afraid of losing you,” he admits, his voice rough. “Of losing all of you.”
I pull him tight against me, my fingers twisting in the hem of his shirt, and squeeze my eyes shut. The truth of his words skates across my skin, diving like winter chill into my bones, settling hard in the pit of my stomach.
I think about the day of the avalanche, watching in horror as the entire face of the mountain slipped off, consumed those five skiers. I’d been sure then that I’d lost them. I’d felt my entire world ripping out from under me with that sheet of snow, heard my own heart cracking open in the boom of ice and rock and snapped trees.
“I’m scared of losing you guys too,” I croak.
Only now, it’s not the avalanche that’s threatening to destroy them. It’s me.
“Do you think Matty is okay?” I ask.
I remember the way he looked at Antoine, those blue eyes cold as ice, his expression twisted with anger and heartbreak. So different from the way he’d looked at him only hours earlier, when I’d kissed him with Antoine’s come still on my lips, when he’d moved from my lips to Antoine’s, crashing against him in a trembling, desperate kiss.
“He will be.” There’s a hardness in Seth’s voice that I don’t miss. A defensiveness. A warning.
I shiver despite myself and tuck my face into the crook of his neck.
“It was probably a shock, that’s all,” Seth offers. “He’ll come round to the idea of you and Antoine getting married. He’ll see… he’s got to see that it’s not like it changes anything. It’s just a piece of paper…” he trails off, and I wonder if it’s just as uncomfortable for him to say those words as it is for me to hear them.
Just a piece of paper.
Until today, getting married to these guys never entered my head at all. Truth be told, getting married in general isn’t something I’ve really considered. Not that I’m against the concept. Just that it seemed like something someone else would do. Someone older, someone more settled who owned a house and a car and worked a nine-to-five job in an office and took the time to do her hair and make-up every morning.
Not someone barely making ends meet working as a snowboard instructor.
Marriage is something my parents would have wanted for me, like law school.
Just a piece of paper.
That’s exactly what it is. I’m just helping Antoine claim his inheritance, nothing more.
“And Liam?” I ask, thinking of how silent Liam was when Antoine explained to us what it was he needed. How thin and brittle his voice was when he did speak. The way those grey eyes looked like storm clouds set to burst. “Do you think he’ll be okay with it?”
“They’ll work it out,” Seth assures me. He drags his palm down the length of my spine, then settles his hand on the dip of my waist. “I’m sure they talked about it last night, after they went to bed.”
I hum in agreement. There had been a tense awkwardness between the pair of them all through dinner, but that hadn’t stopped Liam from taking Antoine’s hand and pulling him down the hallway to the room they share. And it hadn’t stopped Antoine from following.
“Eddie will be fine. Obviously.” I feel the shape of Seth’s smile against the top of my head, and find myself grinning back despite myself. “He would have married Antoine himself if that would have done the trick.”
