Page 93 of Knot Her Cowboys
I sat there with ice heavy in my chest, scrolling through the emails I had continued to send even when getting no reply. Then I flipped over to the draft folder, finding the ones with matching dates. She’d responded to every single one; she just hadn’t sent them.
Goddamnit, Darlene.
That woman hadn’t succeeded in keeping Riley in Montana under her thumb, so she had ripped apart her connections to home instead.
I kept scrolling.
About three months into the silence, I found one that made my blood run hot with fury.
I gave in and tried to phone the ranch. Surprise surprise, but you weren’t the one that answered. Jeff told me I was a little city bitch now and to fuck off. I can only assume he’s not going to pass along my message.
I tried to phone Cash’s parents again. Voicemail full. Of course.
I got an email from Cash, except it wasn’t from him. I guess Darlene gave up on trying to use you to order me home and switched over to him. That’s exactly what I was afraid of from the start. I got an email from Morgan too, from a brand-new account, also ordering me home. I know Morgan is as stubborn as you, but she wouldn’t talk to me the way she did in that email. Things must be going well with the guy Darlene was sleeping with when I left. His kid was a fucking tech wizard and definitely hacked people to get his jollies. Maybe he’s already in here too.
I flipped back to her inbox, finding the emails in question.
The language in each was so similar to the fake one sent from my account. Did Darlene think that would actually work? Maybe her only goal had been to make Riley afraid to contact us.
It had worked.
She couldn’t share her exact address, any phone numbers, or plans without risking Darlene getting her hands on that information.
I scrolled further, skimming more of the drafts.
Subject: I met someone
I feel guilty even writing this. I’m so lonely, Cooper. A sweet alpha in my business class asked me out and I said yes. His name is Bryan Reed. I can’t say that I think you’d like him because he’s definitely a city boy, but he’s nice to me and seems interested in my life. We got assigned to a group project together so it wasn’t like I was seeking him out.
I haven’t made friends out here like I thought I would. Darlene made me so twitchy I don’t know how to respond to a lot of things. I’ve been making so much use of the free counseling on campus they’re probably sick of me. I’m trying to heal, to be better. I don’t know if going out with someone that’s not you is a step toward that or not. They told me that holding on this tight to someone I haven’t even talked to for years isn’t healthy. I don’t know if they’re right.
Bryan is taking me to dinner tonight. I told him I didn’t have anything to wear to the place he was planning for so he bought me an outfit and paid for me to get my hair done at a salon near campus. I’ve never experienced money like that before. I know you’re not going to read this, but I hope you wouldn’t think that’s the reason I said yes to him. I still love you and you never had a penny to your name. I’d pick you in a heartbeat over him,and that feels so mean to say. He doesn’t deserve that. I should try, right?
I don’twantto move on. I left too much of my heart in Montana, but thinking about going back sends me into a panic spiral. Maybe three years is long enough and I should start trying to make New York home.
I’m sorry.
I love you so much.
I swallowed hard and wiped the tears off my cheeks before I continued scrolling. She’d written to me about everything: the arrival of Bruce on the scene, presenting as an omega, her graduation, moving in with Bruce and Bryan, her impending trip to Tuscany and its cancellation. The emails had spaced out more in the middle years and picked up again once the topic of Berlin came up.
Am I the worst person ever? I want to see you as much as Idon’twant to. Once upon a time I’d have been absolutely certain you weren’t capable of hating me, but I’m not that confident anymore. You have every right to hate me. I know that, but at the same time I’m so fucking terrified that you actually do.
I’m going to come back. I feel disloyal to Bruce and Bryan even typing this. Hell, that hasn’t changed. I’ve written way too many of these over the years. They’d be upset if they knew. I built a life with them and I still think about the what ifs.
What if I hadn’t left?
What if you’d come with me?
What if Darlene hadn’t made me afraid to reach out or come home?
I’m not stupid. I know I wouldn’t have given Bryan or Bruce the time of day if you’d been around. It’s kind of fucked up of me to say that. You’re on a pedestal in my head and you haven’t been around to do anything to get yourself knocked off it.
It’s weird being in love with a ghost.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love Bruce and Bryan, but it was never the same as with you. It was never as easy.
You always cradled my broken pieces. They would prefer I don’t have them, and I’ve tried to pretend that’s the case. Bryan used to be sweeter, and if he had stayed that way, maybe I could’ve loved him the way I loved you. I see how he gets caught between Bruce’s expectations and my personal reality. Bruce sets a high bar both of us struggle to reach. Their families put pressure on them and then they put pressure on me. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually meet the expectations set, and honestly I’m getting tired of trying. I feel like an imposter everyday.
