Page 89 of Knot Her Cowboys
I bolted for the stables and didn’t even bother with a saddle and bridle for Ranger. I swung onto his back after opening the gate and let him race out. His hooves thundered against the dry ground, following a familiar path that led us up into the foothills. I held tightly to his mane, trying to let my anxiety fall away in the wind that whipped over me. Meadow and field blurred around me. Tears filled my eyes, anxiety clogging my throat, and my chest squeezing until it felt like I might burst.
Riley would choose me or she wouldn’t, and I had no control over either.
All I could do was wait for the hammer to come down and hope it didn’t destroy me.
Istood frozen in the doorway, my heart aching. Everything about the room felt so familiar even though I had never been here before. The walls were my favorite color—dark periwinkle—until it hit the angle of the roof, where it turned to cream amid the exposed beams. I’d always wanted a room this color but I never got to have anything nice living with Darlene. Paint was a luxury she couldn’t—and didn’t want to—afford. Windows andrecessed lighting made the whole space feel bright and airy, not at all cramped like I might’ve expected from an attic loft.
When I’d been about twelve, I’d found a magazine at the doctor’s office, and flipped through the beautifully decorated rooms, stealing a page from it that showed an omega suite painted this exact color with the same flowy curtains and gorgeous ceiling beams. I’d stuffed the page into my pocket to show Cooper at school because I’d intended to ask Darlene to paint my room like it for my birthday. It hadn’t happened, of course, and she’d ripped apart the picture after telling me I was a greedy, selfish child for not being happy with what I already had: Plain walls that were scuffed and dented from all the things she had thrown at me over the years.
How had Cooper remembered that picture? The memory was so small in the grand scheme of things, but he had tucked away those details, apparently preparing to give me exactly what I’d wanted one day. Even the pillows and blankets covering the bed matched the walls with shades of purple and cream.
I ventured in deeper. The bed was pack-sized and dominated the room. I traced my fingers over the hand-carved bedframe. Had Cooper made it? Wood carving wasn’t a skill I was aware he possessed, but definitely something he could’ve learned over the years. The wood looked like Ponderosa pine, and I’d seen a lot of those growing on the property so it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. The dresser, armoire, and bookshelves looked to be made of the same.
I scooted over to the armoire, snooping through the drawers to find college sweaters—where I’d gone and where I could only assume each of the pack had gone—tucked neatly like the clothes belonged together as much as the people they represented. My high school graduation cap and gown hung between Cooper’s and Cash’s. I’d given mine to Cooper rather than trying to take it with me to New York.
The reflection in the window glass caught my attention and I turned to the wall covered in photos—group photos from all their graduations, the day they broke ground on the ranch, their pack all together, Morgan and her pack, as well as Polaroids of me, Cooper, Cash, and Morgan tacked up from the summer Cash had gotten a camera for his birthday. Photo-booth strips nestled in the cozy living space next to the TV, depicting our trips to the county fair from middle school onwards, when we’d started hitching rides with friends’ siblings who were finally old enough to drive to take us.
So many happy memories.
The low bookshelves on the other side of the room were stocked with the ratty copies of stories I’d owned as a kid that I’d assumed Darlene had chucked the moment I left. Had Cooper and Cash grabbed them after I went away? Tucked next to them were crisp copies of the later books in the series I hadn’t touched in years. The top of the bookshelf was littered with stones sporting beautiful colors or flecks of mica, pressed flowers, cool sticks with patterns and figures carved into them: The exact sort of treasures we’d collected for ourselves as kids.
One wall had a series of pegs, a dried flower wreath hanging from each one with a few more empty at the far end. No, not wreaths,crowns. I delicately lifted the first one and set it on my hair, spinning to look at myself in the full-length mirror and froze again. Ornate wildflower patterns decorated the edge of the glass. Holy shit. He’d remembered this too? I had coveted this mirror foryearsafter seeing it in an antique shop on one of our dates in high school. The price had been exorbitantly high, and I knew that even if I’d somehow scraped together the money Darlene would probably have destroyed it out of spite.
I traced reverent fingers along the frame before turning back to the dried crowns. Eleven in total, only missing the one he’d made this year.
Had he made me a birthday crown every year I’d been gone?
Cooper had never forgotten me, had never given up. All this time he’d been thinking of me and acquiring the things I’d dreamed of.
Hot tears slipped over my cheeks and I sank to the floor.
I should’ve been braver.
A tiny corner of paper sticking out of the dresser drawer in front of me caught my attention. Pulling open the drawer revealed stacks of letters, all tucked into envelopes, the address at the top left changing depending on the age, and my name in the middle with no address beneath it.
I pulled out an older one, the inside dated to six months after I had vanished.
Riley,
I don’t know why I keep writing these. I can’t send them anywhere, but I can’t stop myself either.
Cash is graduating tomorrow. I wish you were here to see it. He looks like a dork in his cap and gown, but you’d probably lie and tell him he looks handsome just like you did with me.
Morgan’s been asking me if you’re coming to Cash’s graduation. I keep telling her no, but it’s like talking to a wall with how convinced she is you’re going to show up as a surprise. I mean, I’m assuming you’re not coming, but maybe you really will surprise us and I can burn this so you’ll never know I doubted that you’d be there to support him.
My throat tightened. That day had come and gone on my calendar. I couldn’t have afforded to go home anyway, even despite the fact I was nowhere ready to try.
I read on.
No, that’s mean. Flights are expensive and you have to save those scholarship dollars. I’m still really proud of you for that, by the way. I’m counting down the days ’til your university graduation so I can be first in line at your kickass restaurant when it opens.
Goddammit. Wayne’s being a jackass and hollering for me to come down. What else is new, right?
Call soon and give us your address so I can stop feeling stupid writing these and shoving them under my socks.
All my love always,
– Cooper
