Page 77 of The Life She Could Have Lived
‘I think this is it,’ Nia said. ‘At long last. I think he’s the one.’
‘One big love, one child,’ Anna said softly.
‘What?’
‘It’s what Magda predicted for you. Remember?’
‘Oh yes. Well, I might be a bit late for the child part. Back then, I thought it wasn’t much, what she said I’d have, but now, well, I think I’d settle for the love.’
‘Tell me about it?’ Anna asked. ‘The love, I mean.’
Nia smiled, lit up like a torch. ‘I want to be with him all the time. I miss him when I’m at work, or when he goes back to his flat for a night. He’s going to move in; we decided last week. And I can’t wait. When I leave the office, I spend the journey home thinking about the fact that I’ll get to spend the evening with him. That we’ll cook together, or watch a film, and he’ll tell meabout his day and I’ll tell him about mine. It’s so simple, but I think I’ve been really lonely for a long time, and I only realised it when I wasn’t any more.’
It was Anna’s turn to offer a hug. And Nia took it, but Anna could see that she wasn’t sad about the way things had been, she was just delighted at the way they’d turned around.
‘I’m sorry if I didn’t see it,’ Anna said. ‘If I didn’t try to include you when you were on your own.’
Nia waved a hand to dismiss this. ‘You always included me. The thing is, there’s nothing anyone can really do when you’re on your own like that, for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I loved joining you guys for Sunday lunches and coming with you on day trips, but sometimes it just reinforced what I didn’t have. I’d get home and mope about because I knew you were all still there, being a family, and I was back on my own. And I didn’t want to be jealous of you, but it was hard, sometimes.’
Anna thought hard before asking her next question. She didn’t want Nia to think that she thought marriage and children were the only ways to have a happy, fulfilled life. But of course Nia knew she didn’t think that. Nia was well aware of the gaps in Anna’s life.
‘So what do you think the future holds for the two of you?’ Anna asked. ‘Beyond moving in, I mean.’
Nia’s eyes were bright, and Anna wondered for a moment whether she was close to tears or whether it was just happiness, making her sparkle.
‘I don’t know,’ she said. She held her hands up, as if to show that she had nothing in them. ‘He wants to get married and have children, all of that. But I don’t know whether we’re too old. I’m forty-three. It’s okay for him, he could father a child in twenty years if he wanted to, but I might have missed my chance.’
Anna didn’t say anything. What was there to say? It seemedcruel that Nia might not get to experience all the wonder and torture of motherhood.
‘I think we’ll get married,’ Nia went on. ‘I think we’ll definitely do that.’
Anna smiled. ‘I’m so glad,’ she said. ‘I’m so pleased you found him. That we went out that night. But I’m sorry about the children thing. I’m sorry you might not get to have that.’
Nia nodded. ‘I know you are. It really sucks to be a woman sometimes, doesn’t it?’
‘It does.’
‘You know,’ Nia said. ‘You can tell me if I’m crossing a line. But I sometimes think about that feeling you always said you were looking for, when we were younger. That feeling you had on the date with James. I’m not convinced you’ve ever had that, with Edward.’
Anna was taken aback. ‘We were just kids, Nia. What did I know about life?’
‘Well, yes, I get that. But what I have with Aidan, I’ve never had that before. It took me forty-three years to find it. So…’
‘So maybe I settled too soon?’
Nia grimaced. ‘I don’t know what I’m saying, Anna. Just that you don’t always seem that happy. And you don’t have to stick with something just because you made a promise a million years ago.’
‘Fourteen.’
‘What?’
‘Fourteen years ago. It’s our anniversary.’
Nia’s hands flew up to her mouth. ‘I’m sorry. Ignore me. I’m talking rubbish.’
Anna put a hand on Nia’s shoulder, to show that she wasn’t angry.
They’d both finished eating, and it was almost time to getback to work. They took their plates up to the bar, as they always did. Paid the bill. Kev thanked them and gave them a wink, said he’d see them again soon. It was nice, Anna thought, to have a place in the middle of London where you could go and be known and welcomed like this, even if it was a fairly grotty pub.
