Page 64 of The Life She Could Have Lived
‘Did Nia know you were coming?’ he asked.
‘No, I just… I ran into my ex-husband and I needed to talk to someone about it.’
‘Oh. Well, when she’s out of the shower I’ll put this one to bed and you two can hash it out over a glass of wine.’ Cara ran towards him and launched herself at his body, and he caught her and then pretended not to let her go while she struggled against his grip.
Had she been a fool to say no to this life? Sitting there, theearly evening sun slipping down the sky, Anna felt like she might have made the biggest mistake, choosing to live alone while everyone was settling down in these little groups of three or four. But then she reminded herself that it wasn’t Nia’s family she’d turned down. It was Edward. And things hadn’t been right between them. She knew that was true.
When Nia appeared, her hair damp on her shoulders, she grinned at Anna. ‘What a nice surprise!’
Jamie stood up. ‘I’m sorting Cara out. Anna needs a glass of wine and an ear.’ He lifted Cara over his shoulder and she giggled. ‘Say goodnight to Mummy and Anna!’
‘Goodnight, Mummy! Goodnight, Anna!’
Nia smiled as they retreated, then turned to Anna with a worried look. ‘What’s happened?’
Anna felt the breathlessness returning. She’d been able to cover it while she was talking to Jamie, had been able to pretend she was fine.
‘Have I made a huge mistake, not having children?’ she asked.
Nia’s eyes widened. ‘Where has this come from?’
‘I just saw Edward. On the common. With a baby.’
‘His baby?’
‘Yes. It’s not about him, I know that. I just… It’s like I suddenly realised that I’m forty and I’ve closed the door on something for good and I don’t know whether it was the right thing to do.’
‘Wine?’ Nia asked, and Anna nodded.
Anna took a long drink when Nia handed her a glass.
Just then, Jamie put his head around the door. ‘Sorry, N, she wants you to say goodnight to her again.’
Nia smiled an apology at Anna and disappeared inside, andJamie took her place at the table for a minute, even had a few sips of Nia’s wine.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked Anna.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Must be rough, seeing him like that, out of the blue.’
Anna wondered what exactly Jamie knew about her relationship with Edward. What would Nia have seen fit to divulge? It wasn’t as if there was anything shocking or terrible. It hadn’t been a bad marriage. It just hadn’t been right.
‘He had a baby,’ Anna said.
‘Ouch.’
‘I mean, it’s not like… I knew that’s what he wanted. He wanted us to have one and I just wasn’t ready and…’
‘You know, I grew up without a dad. I think you did too, if I remember correctly. And it really messed me up in terms of becoming a parent. I was terrified I wouldn’t know how to be a dad, because I didn’t have one. If it hadn’t been for Nia getting pregnant unexpectedly, I’m not sure I would have done it. I wonder if you have the same fear, but the opposite way around. A fear of being left to bring up a baby on your own, like your mum was.’
Anna didn’t know what to say. It was like he’d reached inside her and got to the very heart of things. She wasn’t sure it was entirely accurate but it was more the fact that he’d thought about her childhood and how it might impact her as an adult, as a mum.
‘Sorry,’ Jamie said, ‘I interrupted you. You said you weren’t ready then. What about now?’
‘Now I’m forty and I live alone and come and interrupt your family evening when I have a crisis,’ Anna said, laughing to show him she wasn’t feeling too upset.
‘We wouldn’t have it any other way,’ he said, getting up again and switching places with Nia without another word.
