Page 53 of The Life She Could Have Lived
‘I’m going to leave,’ Anna said, standing.
‘Good idea, why don’t you take the day?’
‘No, I don’t think you understand. I’m going to leave. I resign. I’ll write a proper letter and serve my notice but I’m done here.’
She left the room before Deborah could say anything else. She gathered up her things and walked out of the building before she could change her mind.
She felt furious and sad about the job, but it was all mixed with an odd sense of freedom. She was in the middle of London, without Edward, without the kids, without work. And it was barely half nine. She could go anywhere, couldn’t she? She could pretend to be anyone. She could pretend she wasn’t a mum in her late thirties with no job. She sent a message to Nia.
Can we please have lunch? Any time that suits.
She didn’t have to wait long. She never did, with Nia.
Sure. The Dog at one?
So now she had something to anchor her, and she’d be able to eat a greasy sausage sandwich and tell her best friend all about the unfairness of being passed over for the job, and they would imagine the person who’d been hired instead, a pretty blonde, twenty-three years old, with no commitments. But there were over three hours to fill before that. Anna headed for the National Portrait Gallery, which she’d passed hundreds of times, promising herself she would go one day, on her lunch break. The day had finally come.
As Anna walked around the gallery, seeing people standing back and taking in the art, as if they had all the time in theworld, she felt a shift in herself. She was always rushing, always trying to be a better mum or a better worker or a better wife. Always balancing, juggling. She never had a moment to just be. So that was what she did for the next couple of hours. She just walked around that building, up and down stairs, looking at familiar and unfamiliar faces, really studying them.
By the time she went to meet Nia, she felt much more at ease. So it took her by surprise, at first, when Nia exploded in rage. And she’d only told her about not getting the job at that point. She’d said nothing about walking out.
‘What the hell? You are perfect for that job and they should know that. All those years you’ve been sitting behind that desk, wasted.’
‘Wasted?’ Anna asked, starting to laugh.
‘I don’t mean wasted, like, drunk. Unless you’ve been keeping that very quiet. I mean you’re wasted in that job. You can do so much more.’
Anna appreciated the fact that Nia was her loudest cheerleader. But most of all, she felt tired. Had she done the wrong thing, storming out like that? Was she wasting her time trying to reach for something more? It was enough, wasn’t it, to look after two children and keep a house going, all those things that needed to be remembered? Birthday presents and dentist appointments and the pile of washing that never went down. Wasn’t it enough to do all of that and have a job, to bring some money in to help pay the mortgage? Did you have to be constantly stretching yourself at work, too? Did you have to always be living up to your full potential? Couldn’t she just have a nap? Often, Anna noticed the gap that had existed between her and Nia since she’d had children, and just then, it yawned wider.
‘It’s just, it’s like a kick,’ Anna said. ‘Like you say, I’m sure Ican do that job, and they all rely on me so much but they don’t think of me wanting to step up because of the kids. Sometimes I have to leave early or take a day off because they’re ill and all that, and it’s just easier for them to hire a bright young thing who won’t care what they pay her and doesn’t have any other commitments. It’s just… annoying.’
‘It’s more than annoying,’ Nia said. ‘It’s just plain wrong.’
‘Well, then you might be happy to know that I’ve left.’
‘Left?’
‘Resigned, quit, walked out.’
A smile spread over Nia’s face. ‘Have you, really?’
‘I really, really have.’
Anna hoped Nia wouldn’t ask her what she was going to do next. And Nia didn’t. Instead, she went to the bar and came back with two glasses of fizz.
‘Champagne?’ Anna asked.
‘Well, cava. Kev doesn’t get a lot of requests for champagne, especially at lunchtime.’
They lifted their glasses, chinked them together and drank.
‘Do you know it’s my tenth wedding anniversary today?’ Anna asked. ‘Does it feel like a decade to you?’
Nia shook her head. ‘Wow, ten years. It’s probably time for me to admit to you that I threw up in the bushes outside the reception venue.’
Anna laughed. ‘I’ve always known that. The barman told me.’
‘Wow, so we really haven’t had any secrets from each other. So what are you doing to celebrate, you and Edward? Want me to look after the boys?’
