Page 37 of The Life She Could Have Lived
‘What, us?’ Edward stopped and turned to face her, panic written on his face.
‘No, of course not. Being at home, I mean. It’s not for me.’
Edward sighed. Anna wondered whether he ever thought he’d married the wrong woman. Whether he ever went back over the other women he’d known, the ones he might have chosen, and speculated about whether they would have made better at-home wives. Better mothers.
‘I was hoping—’ he said, but then he broke off.
‘What?’ Anna genuinely had no idea what he was going to say.
‘I was hoping we might try for another.’
Another child. Anna had never seriously considered it. Two was plenty, she’d always thought that. And the way she felt, like she was barely making it work, barely giving her existingchildren what they needed. It was laughable. But Edward wasn’t laughing. He clearly didn’t feel the way she did, constantly pulled in so many different directions, always feeling like she wasn’t doing anything well enough.
‘I don’t want to,’ she said.
She didn’t sugarcoat it, didn’t see that she should have to. It was her body, her family, and she didn’t want to.
Edward nodded tightly. He’d been careful not to upset her, since coming back. She wondered whether he felt like he was walking a tightrope even bringing this up.
‘It’s not so long since you came back,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to rush into anything. And besides, I just don’t feel like I could manage, with three…’
She didn’t say that having another child would mean such different things for the two of them. For him, an extra little person to play with in the garden and to tickle in the bath. An extra person to love him and ask for stories and to put on his shoulders when they went to the park. But for her, it was endless washing and tidying and cleaning up. Another couple of years of sleep so broken she didn’t think she could survive it. She tried to picture herself with a daughter. Anna had never told Edward that she had a name picked out for a girl. Eva. In both pregnancies, she’d held her breath at the twenty-week scan, wondering whether it might be Eva this time. But no. It wasn’t enough, that hope. It wasn’t enough to make her change her mind.
They spent most of the Tube journey in silence, and while they were walking back to the house, Anna tried to think of ways to fix it. Edward let them in and went through to the kitchen. Anna went to the living room to find the babysitter.
‘They’ve been absolutely fine,’ Keira said.
‘Great,’ Anna said.
‘Did you have a nice night? Happy anniversary, by the way.’
Anna tried to smile. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘A lovely night, thank you. I’ll just go and get some cash for you.’
‘No need, your husband took my bank details. He said he’d transfer the money. I’ll see you at nursery.’
As soon as Keira was gone, Anna searched for a CD and put it on. Edward came into the room when he heard the song she was playing. ‘Something Changed’.
‘Dance with me?’ she asked.
He shook his head a little, then smiled and held out his arms. He would get over it, Anna knew. This desire for another child. And then they would have everything. Their two boys, healthy and full of love. Each other. Yes, she’d made the right decision. She had. Edward spun her away from him and she ducked under his arm, laughing.
‘Come here,’ Edward said, his voice full of want. And she went to him, kissed him, pushed him back on the sofa.
13
NO
Monday 5 June 2006
Anna’s phone rang when she was walking from the subway to the office. Nia.
‘Hey.’
‘Anna,’ Nia said, her voice little more than a whisper.
Anna stopped walking, moved to the side of the street. ‘What’s happened? Are you okay?’
‘Anna, everything is so fucked up, Jamie’s gone and?—’
