Page 21 of The Life She Could Have Lived
Upstairs, in their bedroom with the door closed, she called Nia.
‘I think I’m leaving Edward,’ she said.
‘Fuck.’
‘You were right. We don’t fit.’
‘Fuck.’
‘And there’s something else. I’ve been offered a placement in New York for a year.’
Anna heard Nia’s intake of breath, listened out for what she would say. ‘Christ. Congratulations! Do you want to go?’
‘Yes. I really do.’
‘Wow. Big day.’
‘Can I come over? Can I bring some stuff, stay on your sofa?’
‘You can sleep in my bed,’ Nia said. ‘I’ll open a bottle of wine. See you in half an hour. If you’re not here, I’m coming to get you.’
‘I’ll be there,’ Anna said, taking a shaky breath. She hung up. She opened her wardrobe door to pull a suitcase out, and in doing so, she caught a glimpse of her watch, of the date. She sank down on the bed. Four years ago, they’d been cutting the cake, dancing under a mirror ball with a hundred pairs of eyes on them. And now, four years to the very day since they’d promised to be together forever, it was over.
8
YES
Saturday 5 June 2004
While Anna played with Thomas, she was watching the clock. She’d planned a lunch with Nia, and was excited about it. A childfree weekend lunch was such a luxury these days.
‘What are you boys going to do while I’m gone?’ she asked while she was hunting around for her sunglasses and her purse. It felt like a long time since she’d taken her handbag out rather than the changing bag.
Edward shrugged. ‘What do you think, buddy?’
‘Thomas!’ Thomas shouted.
He was obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine. He thought it was named after him. All he wanted to do was watch episodes of the programme and then try to recreate elements of them with his own track and engines. Anna found it soul-destroying, but Edward quite liked it.
‘You heard the boy. We’re playing Thomas. Now go, and have fun.’ Edward pulled Anna in for a quick hug. He put his handup and she touched it with hers.
She took the Tube to Soho, revelling in her freedom. She’d put a book in her bag but she just spent the journey looking around, watching people, like a tourist in her own city. And when she emerged into the clear day, she put her sunglasses on and walked up and down the narrow streets, looking for the place Nia had suggested. She was first to arrive, and she took a seat in the small, busy restaurant, feeling like, by being here alone in the middle of the day, she was managing the impossible.
And just then, Nia burst through the door, all colour and light.
‘Anna!’ She descended on her friend, hugging her. ‘You haven’t been here long, right?’
Anna put two fingers on her glass to measure how much she’d drunk. ‘Only this long.’
Nia sat and shrugged off her cardigan. ‘It’s kind of hot in here, isn’t it?’ She reached for the glass of water Anna had poured her from the jug in the centre of the table and chinked her glass against Anna’s in a half-hearted cheers. ‘So what’s the emergency?’
Anna took a deep breath. Where to begin? With the facts, she decided. With the beginning. ‘I’m pregnant,’ she said.
Nia looked straight at her, unflustered. ‘Okay, and is that a good thing?’
‘It should be, right? Having another baby was my idea. But all I’ve felt since I’ve known is panic.’
Again, Nia didn’t react strongly, and Anna loved her for it. This was why she could tell Nia almost anything, always had been able to. Nia had always known the black corners of her heart. How she’d kicked Julia King during a hockey match when they were at secondary school and then sworn it was an accident with the hockey stick, after Julia had kissed the boy Anna longedfor. How she’d felt more than a little relief mixed in with her grief when her elderly grandmother had died after a long descent into dementia. How she’d wondered what the hell she’d done after Thomas was born; how she still did, sometimes.
