Page 105 of The Life She Could Have Lived
Steve snorted. Anna’s flat was nicer. She’d spent more timedecorating it and choosing furniture and coordinating things. Her garden was a little bigger, too. They almost always stayed at hers. Steve had started keeping some of his things there. But Anna had noticed that he always went home (sometimes with her, sometimes without) when Luke was coming over. And she wanted to be sensitive to that. If Luke was happier in the flat next door, she could live with that.
‘I mean, we’re practically living together anyway,’ Anna said, and then stopped, realising that she sounded like she was trying to talk him into it. She didn’t want to have to talk him into it. She only wanted to do it if he wanted to.
‘Why would you want to give up your place for mine, though?’ Steve asked.
‘Because you’re there. And I thought maybe it would be better for Luke.’
Steve laughed. ‘You know I only go back to mine when Luke’s around because I don’t feel like it’s fair to inflict an enormous man-boy on you.’
Anna let out a long breath. ‘I really like Luke, you know that.’
‘I do, but I don’t think you fully understand how much he eats. Anyway, we’re getting off topic. I would love to live with you, Anna.’
She felt something inside her start to unravel. ‘You would?’
‘I would. Of course I would. Do you think I like living alone?’
Anna didn’t answer that straight away. Was it so obvious that living with someone was better than living alone? She’d always quite liked living by herself. Until now, when there was someone in her life who she wanted to be with all the time, who she missed even when she knew he was at the other side of a single wall.
‘I didn’t know,’ she said. ‘You’ve never said.’
‘Let’s ask Luke what he thinks, and then we’ll sort it out.’
‘Okay then.’
It had been so simple. No argument about whose flat it would be, about whether it was too much or too soon or not enough. Things with Steve were like that. Just simple and right. She thought briefly of her marriage. How young she’d been. How wrong. And then that disastrous relationship with David in New York, followed by the happy years with Ben. She’d never thought she would find it again, after losing him. But here they were.
‘What time do you need to head off?’ Steve asked.
Anna looked at her watch. ‘Soon. Ten minutes.’
It was so tempting to say she’d spend another hour with him, be a bit late. She was the boss, after all. And he was his own boss. He ran a small building company and had a handful of people working for him. Enough that he could sometimes take the morning or afternoon off on a whim. But she had meetings she needed to go to.
‘While we’re asking things, I have one too,’ he said.
‘Go on.’
‘Why did you never have children? I mean, did it just not happen for you or was it a conscious choice? You’re so good with Luke, and with Stella and Tess.’
Anna thought it was strange that he’d brought this up at the breakfast table, but she didn’t mind. It made her think he’d probably been wondering about it for a while.
‘With Edward, it was one of the things that we broke up over. He wanted to, I didn’t. And after that, I don’t know, I had a series of not-quite-right relationships, and by the time I met Ben, it was too late, and he’d already done it, of course. But having Stella and Tess in my life has been wonderful.’
Steve nodded. ‘Any regrets?’
Any regrets? Anna saw what Steve had with Luke, what Ben had had with Stella and Tess, and it seemed like a kind of magic, but not one that she wished for, for herself. She was content with what she had, what she’d chosen. She saw Stella about once a month, Tess slightly less often. She loved them both fiercely, but she didn’t wish they were hers. Their mother had been generous enough to welcome Anna into their lives, to encourage her to retain her place there even after Ben’s death.
‘I’ve been so lucky in so many ways,’ she said. ‘I love my career, and I got to spend some years in New York, and I have a home that makes me happy, and I’m in love with someone who treats me really well.’
‘I hope that’s me.’
Anna laughed. ‘I’m happy. I’ll never know whether I would have been more or less happy if I’d led a different life.’
‘That’s true. I just think, sometimes, what a great mother you would have made.’
Anna wasn’t sure what to do with a compliment like that. It was so different to anything she’d been complimented on before. Was it true? Would she have done a good job of mothering, if she’d gone down that road? She hoped so. The fact that she’d decided against it proved that she wouldn’t have entered into it lightly. Parenting was as serious as it got, and she would have tried to give everything to it.
‘It’s great that I get to spend time with Ben’s girls, and with Luke,’ she said. ‘I know all the hard parenting work is done but it’s so nice to be a small part of his life.’
