Page 72 of The Life She Could Have Lived
‘I don’t mean to.’
‘Well, you do.’
Anna sat down by his feet. ‘The truth is, I worry about him more than you. He’s always found things more difficult, making friends and that kind of thing.’
‘That’s not my fault.’
‘No, of course it isn’t. But is there anyone in your class who gets picked on all the time?’
Thomas turned on his side, looked at her. ‘Kind of.’
Please let him not be involved in that, she thought. Having a child who was bullied was awful, but she suspected having a child who was a bully would feel worse.
‘Well, that’s what school is like for Sam. Every day. And when he gets home, he needs to feel safe and loved. I know you love him, Thomas…’
Thomas snorted.
‘You’re cross with him right now, and rightly so. But I know you wouldn’t want him to be sad.’
‘Sometimes it feels like he’s your favourite,’ Thomas said, and there were tears in his eyes.
Anna reached out a hand, pulled him up to sitting, and hugged him tight. There weren’t as many opportunities to do this these days, and she relished it. She thought of the times when it had just been her and Thomas, before Sam was born. How she’d fallen in love with him, how he’d shown her how to be a mum.
‘I couldn’t love either of you any more than I do,’ she said.
Thomas didn’t say anything. But he didn’t let her go for a long time.
Edward arrived home just as she was tucking Sam into bed. Thomas was reading a Harry Potter book to himself. Anna told him she’d come back to turn off his light in half an hour and kissed his forehead.
‘All okay?’ Edward asked when she went into the kitchen.
‘Tough day,’ she said.
‘At work?’
‘No, here. I went to see Miss Bright about Sam and the bullying…’
Edward raised his eyebrows. ‘Again?’
‘Yes, again, because that’s what you do when a problem isn’t getting solved,’ she said, trying to keep her voice level. ‘Anyway, I went to talk to Miss Bright about it, and she seems to get it, to be taking it seriously. So we’ll see.’
Anna’s ‘unlike you’ was unspoken but she knew it was clear.
‘Okay,’ Edward said.
‘And then the boys had a fight. Sam punched Thomas in the face.’
Edward looked shocked. ‘Is he all right? Thomas?’
‘Yes, he’s fine. But I just feel pulled apart. Both of them hurt, you know?’
They were standing at either side of the kitchen counter and Edward shook his head slightly. ‘They’re okay, Anna. They’re both okay.’
She wanted to scream. Perhaps this was why he had always felt he had the capacity to have another one, and she didn’t. The small things that happened to them, that made up their childhood days, didn’t seem to affect him the way they affected her. She went to the fridge and opened it, more for something to do than anything else, but when she saw a half-full bottle of wine in the door, she pulled it out.
‘Wine?’ she asked, reaching up for glasses.
‘Why not? It’s a celebration, after all.’
