Page 69 of The Day Shelley Woodhouse Woke Up
When he’s gone, Liam turns to me. ‘That’s great news, isn’t it?’
It is, and yet… I’ve started to feel protected here, in this world away from the real world, where I don’t have to think about anything beyond what I want for my next meal. I’m not sure I’m ready for whatever is waiting for me in the real world beyond the hospital doors. But I don’t say that to Liam. I just smile and nod. ‘Brilliant news.’
A few minutes later, Liam says he has to go, and he leans over and kisses my cheek and says how nice it’s been to see me, and it isn’t until five minutes after he leaves that I think again about going home. About where home is. I know it’s with Matt, and if I close my eyes I can picture the house. I think I could direct someone there in a car. But am I ready to move back in? I know Matt isn’t a stranger now, but he still feels a little like one.
I send Dee a message.
I’m being sent home tomorrow and I don’t know where I live.
Half truth, half lie. I know where I live, but if I tell her that, I’ll have to tell her I remember everything, and I’m determined to talk to Matt first.
She replies almost immediately.
I knew you’d be stressed about this. You’re welcome to stay in our spare room, of course.
I think about this. How will Matt feel if I tell him I remember our past but I’m not quite ready to move home? My brainsupplies the answer almost immediately. He’ll be fine with it. He’s a good man. He isn’t David.
Spare room sounds good.
I don’t sleep much. I keep dreaming that it’s morning and it’s time to go home and I’m still in my pyjamas, wandering around with a little bag packed and no one to pick me up. I wake up, again and again, fearful and anxious. And eventually it’s morning and Jamie opens the blinds and asks me how I slept and I lie and say I slept fine.
‘Usual for breakfast?’ he asks.
I nod. My breakfasts in here are a small bowl of bran flakes, buttered toast and orange juice. The toast is always cold but it tastes great, somehow. What do I usually eat for breakfast, at home? I close my eyes, see myself biting into toast smeared with Marmite. See Matt turning his nose up at the smell, me purposely breathing all over him after I’ve eaten it. It makes me smile.
Dr Jenkins appears shortly after nine o’clock. ‘Did Jamie tell you we’re sending you home?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ve discussed your case with a number of colleagues and we’re all happy that we’ve monitored you for long enough. There’s no sign of the bleed starting up again.’ She stops talking, looks at me. ‘I thought you’d be happy about that. Most people can’t wait to get out of here.’
I look away, feel the sting of tears.
‘Shelley? Are you worried about going home?’
‘I’m going to stay with a friend for a bit.’
She nods, and it seems like she’s about to speak again, but she doesn’t. ‘I know you’re still recovering your memories, Shelley, but you’ve come a long way. I think you’ll get there. Your physical recovery has been very quick.’
When she’s gone, I get dressed and brush my teeth. I stare at myself in the mirror for a long time. I am no longer thirty. I am no longer the landlady of the Pheasant. But I am still Shelley Woodhouse.
Jamie comes over to say goodbye, and Angela is with him. She’s come down from Intensive Care with another patient, possibly the one who’s moving into my bed.
‘In the nicest possible way…’ she begins.
‘You hope you never see me again,’ I finish.
She widens her eyes in surprise.
‘You said that last time,’ I say.
She laughs. ‘I say it to everyone when they go home. But it’s great that you remembered that.’
‘Take good care,’ Jamie says, and he puts a hand on my arm, and it is warm and reassuring.
I tell him I will. And then I go. Outside, Dee is waiting. On the drive to her home, I think about the night I told Matt about my past.
36
