Page 60 of Quiet Rage
“I can’t pretend anymore,” I say quietly.
“I won’t ask you to again,” he answers, but that doesn't give me a lot of relief. If he doesn't want to play out his fantasy anymore then why is he here now?
That’s one of many questions on my mind as Kellen reaches over to turn my bedside lamp off. The room descends into darkness, and I pull the blanket closer to my chest.
I close my eyes and hope that sleep finds me quickly.
It doesn't.
Now that I’m lying down, the numbness I was experiencing earlier is fading away. My wrists throb, my thighs feel bruised, and there is a dull ache between my legs. I try not to think about what happened to cause me this pain, but memories of earlier flood my mind regardless.
I remember Dante’s cruel hands on me. Kellen’s detached stare while he forced himself inside of me. Feeling so helpless and scared. My father’s scream. All of the blood. Everything comescrashing down on me all at once, and I can’t hold back the sob ripping from my body.
Curling up in a fetal position, I let myself cry. Tears stream down my face as dread, fear, and grief overwhelm me. I feel raw, inside and out. I’m on the verge of falling apart, splitting into a million pieces that can never be put together again.
“Tamson,” Kellen calls, his voice cracking with emotion. “Please, let me hold you.”
My heart hurts, the pain radiating from my chest. I just want it to stop. I want this crushing weight to be lifted off me.
I don’t know if Kellen is the answer, but it’s the only one I have. I can’t get a single word to come out of my mouth, but I lift my arm to reach for him. My fingers barely touch the soft fabric of his shirt, when his warm hand envelopes mine. He gently pulls me over to him, and I fall into his embrace.
Burying my face in his chest, I somehow cry even harder. Kellen wraps his arms around me, holding me close to him.
I’m not sure how this is possible. How can I find solace in the same person who caused me so much harm? Maybe there is something wrong with me, or maybe I’m just so desperate for comfort that I take it any way I can get it.
I cry until there are no more tears left. Until I’m so exhausted that sleep finally finds me.
Chapter 27
Kellen
Out of all thequestions that kept me awake throughout the night, one rings out loudest by the time Tamson stirs.
Does she hate me?
The answer is obvious, or should be long before she opens her eyes and immediately inches away from me, putting as much space between us as possible. There is nothing but pure, unfiltered pain shining in her bloodshot eyes. She’s trembling, pale, unwilling to let me touch her.
My chest aches, but I can’t be mad at her. I can’t be hurt, either. It’s my fault, all of it.
“I’m going to fix this. I swear.”
“How?” There’s an empty, silent laugh at the end of it. She swipes a hand under her eyes, sniffling, but her gaze is hard and pointed and staring holes through me. “How are you going to do that? It’s too late.”
“It isn’t.” Does she honestly think she’s lost everything there is to lose? I can’t ask that question. It would be cruel. “I will fix this.”
It’s sort of a relief when she sits up, her back to me. I don’t have to exist under the heat of her stare. “You were supposed to do something about it, weren’t you?” she asks in a tired, weak voice. “You told me you would.”
She’s right. I did. “I know. I’m going to come through this time.”
She’s silent. That’s fine. She doesn’t have to speak. I hear everything through her body language, flinching when I get up and sit next to her on the edge of the bed. She’s guarded. Disappointed. Blaming me, too. We’re back to square one. We lost everything we built together, little as it was. It’s gone. And I don’t know if there’s any coming back from it.
No, there has to be. I refuse to believe this is over. “Trust me this one more time. Can you do that?”
I know the answer when she lowers her head, sighing deep, shuddering and flinching away when I try to touch her. “Don’t, okay? I can’t. I feel like I’m falling apart.” She covers her head with her hands, lacing her fingers together, rocking a little. Trying to give herself the comfort I want to give her, but then, I’m the reason she needs it.
“I only want to help.”
“Help?” Is it a laugh or a sob I hear? “How can you help me now when every time you touch me, I think of…”
