Page 192 of Branded
My instincts had led me to make the shittiest decision of all.
And I’d gotten fucked in the process.
But I didn’t have a chance to tell Hazel all of that, all of what I’d realized, that I was finally understanding why it had taken me over a year to sort my head—because me choosing Monica, me not seeing her for what she was meant I’d managed to shake the foundation of everything that was inside me, what made me me and…
Well, I didn’t get a chance to tell her any of that because her voice was gentling and her hand was on my arm, and her eyes were earnest…and she was still talking. “And yeah, I know my job with the team is to be the resident head-getter-together, and I know you know I saw that you were hurting. But I also knew the guys were close, and because you’ve been playing out of your mind, because you were functioning and hadn’t asked for help, I haven’t waded in, haven’t forced you to face it.”
The elevator doors opened.
“And maybe I should have.”
We stepped off, but we didn’t immediately head for the hospital exit.
Instead, Hazel snagged my arm and tugged me to the side, glancing around to make sure no one was within earshot before going on. “I thought you were slowly sorting out your shit, so I’ve been keeping an eye on you, watching close, making sure that you were moving in the right direction.”
I sucked in a breath, started to reply again, but she kept going.
“And, good grief, it was taking a long time, but because I thought you were slowly inching forward, I was waiting. Watching. Making sure you were still moving but trying to give you the space to do it on your own terms because you’re a big, broody hockey player and I know I can only push you guys so far.” A small smile. “And plus, you were playing good and living, and I didn’t want to set you back when I wasn’t sure I could help yank you forward.”
That, despite the circumstances, had me wanting to grin.
“So maybe I was stupid and shouldn’t have let you play this out slowly, shouldn’t have thrown Beth into your path just because I thought you guys would be good together and I knew she liked you, knew she would be good for you because she’s an awesome woman and friend.” Her eyes filled with tears. “But I didn’t know she was hiding this.” A breath. “And this is big, Raph. This is really freaking big, and you’ve been really, really hurt, and I can’t guarantee she won’t hurt you and that you won’t hurt her and that this won’t blow up in your faces and?—”
“Hazel.”
She closed her eyes, inhaled, and exhaled slowly. “What I walked into in her room last night is heavy enough, buried deep enough that she didn’t share it with me, and I’ve known her almost her entire life, and we’ve shared a lot of heavy.” Her lids opened, revealing damp brown eyes. “It’s heavy in a way that I’m not sure I can handle, let alone a man who has been hurt in a heavy and deep way all on his own, a way I would totally get at balking at taking on something like this.”
I’d been with Hazel throughout the entire conversation, understanding her, respecting her, appreciating the way she’d handled my situation and Beth’s, glad she’d brought in someone who would get Beth the help she needed.
But the last pissed me off.
“She’s not something to take on,” I snapped, stepping closer. “She’s a beautiful woman who I’ve wanted for years. Someone funny and caring and kind, and you should know that, considering she’s been your best friend for fucking years.”
“Raph—”
“Does she wear a ton of shields, some of which I’m just starting to be able to peek around, and most of which are probably still buried deep? Fuck, yes.”
“Raph—”
“But does the way she smiles, how thoughtful she is, the person she is beneath the surface and who I suspect she is below all those shields mean that I would walk through fire for her? Fuck, yes.” I scowled. “And there is no hesitation on my part because I spent a lifetime not knowing the difference between a good woman and a bad one, between a shit relationship and a good one. Because I’ve realized that what threw me for so big a fucking loop with Monica is not because she was a bitch—and newsflash, she was—but because I chose her. I trusted myself to have finally picked something good, and she wasn’t that.”
Now Hazel’s face softened. “Raph.”
“So my bullshit is my bullshit, and I didn’t even get exactly what it was until five minutes ago. That being said”—I straightened—“I’m going to think that shit through, make sure it doesn’t color my life going forward because Beth, Beth fucking deserves a man with his head on straight, who’ll go to bat for her, even when shit swirls. And I know”—I jabbed a finger in her direction—“that you know that’s true because Beth is Beth, and though I’ve only known her for three years and you’ve known her for almost a lifetime, she’s Beth.”
Silence.
So I clipped out, “Don’t have anything to say to that?”
Her lips tipped up. “Was just waiting to make sure you were done.” She snagged my hand, leaned against my arm. “That was quite a roll you were on there.”
“Any of it wrong?”
Her head plunked onto my shoulder. “Nope. Beth is Beth and she’s worth digging deep and staying close for the long run.” A beat. “And that means forever, Raph. Just in case you were wondering how long you needed to have your mind straight for.”
“You think I finally got it together to falter at the finish line?”
Hazel lifted her head. “I think that you’re a good man and Beth has had some stuff go down, stuff that’s cut through the fog around you and prompted you into motion.”
