Page 68 of The Affair
She’d received a text from Tessa, a short call from Lynne, a voicemail from Jill – because she hadn’t picked up when she saw her friend’s name on the screen. Every time, the sound of her phone had made her heart soar with hope – only for it to be instantly dashed. Now, when her mobile rang, she reached for it almost laconically.
‘Mum?’ Caitlin’s voice was pitched low.
Connie, hardly able to believe it was her daughter after nearly three long weeks of praying, gasped her reply. ‘Oh, darling … hello.Hello.’
‘Listen, Dad’s next door, so I can’t talk too loudly …’ she paused ‘… but I just wanted to say hi.’ Anotherpause. ‘We’re all missing you dreadfully. It’s been horrible without you.’
‘God, I’m missing you too, darling. I can’t begin to tell you how much.’ Tears pricked her eyes. ‘How are you? How’s Bash?’
‘Yeah, he’s fine, we’re all surviving. It’s been weird, though. Dad’s in bits. Clingy and miserable … Angry, obviously.’ Connie heard her sigh. ‘He sort of assumes I’ll take his side, which is exhausting. I’ll be glad when it’s all over, to be honest.’
‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart. This is all my fault.’
‘Let’s not get into that now, Mum. I’m over it. Family’s too important … I’ve had trouble getting my head around the whole thing, which is why I haven’t rung before … I just didn’t know what to say, didn’t want to hear the details. Which was mean, I know, and I’m sorry.’ Connie heard Caitlin take a deep breath. ‘Anyway, enough’s enough. We have to find a way to get Dad back onside in the new year. I’m not going through another Christmas like this one. Ever.’
Connie held her breath, overjoyed at her daughter’s words. ‘Do you think he might come round?’
‘All I know is that he’s totally lost without you. I mean, what’s he going to do? Be stubborn and stay on his own for the rest of his life because he won’t forgive you one lapse? After God knows how many years of marriage?’
‘I really hurt him.’
Her daughter fell silent. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘But you’ve apologized. We have to move on.’ Her tone was tough, unequivocal, as only Caitlin could be.
‘I love you so much …’ Connie couldn’t hold her tears a moment longer.
‘Love you, too, Mum. Don’t cry … please. You’ll set me off.’
Connie felt Caitlin’s love threading the silence that followed, like a warm hug. Her heart ached with the joy of it.
After they’d said their goodbyes – Caitlin promising to be in touch as soon as they were back from Manchester – Connie cradled the phone in her hand, in a daze. Hope, she realized, was the most agonizing thing. It was as if she’d been singeing her skin over a naked flame, hoping to speak to her beloved daughter. Now she felt weak with relief. And suddenly starving hungry.
The pie was delicious. Connie ate as if she hadn’t for a month. She polished off the olives, the salami, gulped down the remains of the wine. Still not satisfied, she dug out crackers from one of Tessa’s tins and layered them with some Kentish goat’s cheese she found in the fridge. Finally, she sat back, replete.
It’s going to be all right, she told herself, channelling her daughter’s resolve. But having Caitlin and Ash onside was only half the battle. Facing Devan … She had no illusions on that score. Trust, which she’d always taken so much for granted in their marriage, had been blown out of the water. It might be a long, long time before Jared no longer cast his shadow.
31
Holding little Bash in her arms was heaven. Connie closed her eyes and breathed in his familiar smell. But the hug she valued above all others was Caitlin’s. It was fierce and protective, and like a long, cool drink in a burning desert. The two women clung to each other for a full minute.
She had briefly embraced Ash, too, whose eyes were full of sympathy as he grabbed his leather satchel and left the two of them together. Now they were on the sofa, both clutching mugs of tea, Bash’s small chubby hand resting on Connie’s knee, showing her a wind-up robot he’d got for Christmas and telling her a long and garbled tale about Robot Man’s adventures. She listened with half an ear, stroking his silky hair, her main focus on what her daughter was saying.
‘Go on, text him again, Mum. Just say you really, really need to talk now. Me and Ash have been working on him over Christmas.’
‘I can try. But you wouldn’t believe the mountain of emails, texts and messages I’ve sent – all to no avail. I’m not sure he even reads them.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m always the one labelled “stubborn” in the family, but your dad takes prizes.’
Caitlin smiled. ‘Tell me about it. But he’s had timeto think.’ Frowning, she added, ‘You guys were the envy of my friends at school, you know. Sam’s dad drank, Amelia’s parents split up horribly, Maddie’s mum worked in Brussels all week … I was almost embarrassed to have such solid parents who didn’t fight and were always around.’ She gave a small laugh. ‘Just text him, Mum. Don’t over-think things. It’s Dad you’re talking about. You love each other, remember?’
Connie could detect a slight note of impatience in Caitlin’s voice. Her parents behaving like teenagers – especially after such an apparently exemplary past – was obviously taking its toll.
‘You could do it now,’ Caitlin was suggesting, holding her hand out for Connie’s mug. ‘I’ll make a fresh brew.’
It was more of an instruction than a suggestion, and she did not argue.
Caitlin was right. Devan took only an hour to respond to the message she sent this time.I’ll ring this evening, he wrote. Terse, but finally a communication. Connie was both relieved and heart-thumpingly nervous as she showed the text to her daughter.
‘You see?’ Caitlin was triumphant and, Connie thought, also very relieved.
But no amount of reassurance from her daughter made her feel confident about the impending exchange with her husband.
