Page 31 of The Affair
‘I know you were frustrated with me because you thought I was depressed and in denial about it. But I kept telling myself that none of what I’d been feeling fitted my professional view of depression.’ He gave a wry laugh. ‘Shows how crap we professionals are when it comes to self-diagnosis.’
Devan fell silent, even his hands now still, his head bowed again.
‘So … something changed?’ Connie asked cautiously.
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know exactly. It was like I’d reached the bottom. There was no feeling at all. I wasn’t even scared, lying in that no man’s land. Then I woke up one morning and realized I didn’t feel like crying.Which was progress in itself.’ He gave a short laugh, raised his hands in the air. ‘This probably all sounds loopy. Maybe not drinking for a week helped, who knows? I’ve been seriously knocking it back for a while, as you know.’
She nodded, waited for him to continue.
‘I even felt like getting out of bed. I was suddenly desperate to. Which may sound small, but it was huge for me.’
‘I wish you’d been able to let me in, Devan, not felt you had to go through it alone. It’s been really hard, seeing you so unhappy.’ Her words sounded uncomfortably false to herself, in light of how little thought she’d given her husband during the Polish tour. But she meant it. The months of watching him suffering like that had been agonizing. Now, remembering Jared, guilt hit her, like a smack in the face.
‘Yeah, well, we haven’t been exactly on the same page recently.’
Connie nodded in agreement. She was trying to take in what her husband was saying. After battling for so long, Devan’s sudden moment of epiphany was bewildering. Like leaning on a heavy door until suddenly it gives way and you fall flat on your face.
‘Anyway,’ he went on, ‘in the last few days I’ve slowly begun to appreciate things again … like sunshine … bacon.’ He frowned, adding, ‘You know you’ve got a lot of fans out there, Connie.’
She gave him a questioning look, puzzled by the non-sequitur.
‘Jill, Gloria, Stacy, Neil … They’ve seen what’s been going on between us.’
‘You’ve been talking to them about our marriage?’ Connie was taken aback. She’d left for Poland with a husband who was hardly speaking to her and returned to find a man who was smelling the bacon and baring his soul, not just to his best friend but to everyone they knew.
‘Why not? They’re our friends, Con.’ He paused. ‘They’re rooting for us.’
Connie fidgeted uneasily. She didn’t deserve her friends’ support of her or the McCabe marriage. Not any more. When she looked at Devan again, his face was lit up with his old smile, not the jaded, tacked-on version of recent months, which faded almost before it had begun. It was tentative, as if he were unsure whether he was allowed to charm her like this. But it was there.
He got up and came round the table, hovering beside her. She rose. For a moment they stood in silence, as if they – who had been married for over thirty years – had forgotten how to hug each other. Then Devan opened his arms. Connie breathed out, feeling tears press behind her eyes as she leaned against him and felt overwhelming guilt, love and relief fight for pole position inside her head.
‘I’m sorry,’ Devan said, into her hair. ‘I’m so sorry things got so out of hand between us, Connie.’
She looked up at him, her vision blurred by tears. ‘I’m sorry too,’ she said, then laid her head back on hischest with a long sigh.Although he has no idea what else I’m sorry for, she thought.
Devan let her go and she sat down, so weary suddenly, the air going out of her, like a deflating balloon. She was exhausted from everything that had happened on the Polish trip: the nightmare of Auschwitz, the sleepless nights with Jared, her overriding guilt and conflicted thoughts. Now she was also bemused.
Devan went to the side and picked up a bottle of Rioja, waving it at her with a question in his eyes. She smiled, nodded, and he brought two glasses from the cupboard, set them on the table and poured a little into each. He sat down opposite her and held his glass aloft. ‘To us?’ he asked hesitantly.
Connie chinked her glass against his. ‘To us.’
Is this real?She didn’t want to question his volte-face and jeopardize this precious moment between them, but after months and months of negativity, she felt she didn’t recognize this version of her husband.
‘You don’t look too thrilled, Con,’ Devan was saying. He sounded puzzled, bordering on hurt.
Connie dragged herself from her thoughts with effort. ‘No, I am. I’m really pleased for you, of course I am. And for us … It’s just all quite sudden …’
Devan did not immediately reply, and Connie tensed. But when he did speak, his voice was gentle. ‘For me, too. I still feel a bit raw. But hopeful, at last.’ He sat up straighter, seemed suddenly determined. ‘Listen, about the dreaded R word. Let’s just leave things as they are, see what happens.’ He put his hand over hers. ‘I knowhow much you love your job and there’s no way I’m going to browbeat you, Con. The last thing I need is a resentful wife!’ The final sentence was accompanied by a broad grin.
She laughed. She knew she should feel vindicated, relieved, grateful that the logjam of hostility had finally been freed. But it wasn’t that simple. There was her gross betrayal … There was Jared.
‘Where did you go this afternoon?’ Connie asked Devan. It was dusk and a beautiful evening as they strolled through the village with Riley, the horizon beyond the houses shot with a luminous raspberry gold that made her gaze in awe. Devan took her hand as they walked, but she didn’t feel entirely comfortable.
She’d been increasingly on edge since Devan’s announcement. She knew more than ever that she must forget Jared now.
Carrying on an affair during a serious rift in her marriage was bad enough, but might be considered understandable by some. Now that he’d started to re-engage with her, though, it was unthinkable.This is what I’ve longed for, isn’t it?she chided herself.To see the love in Devan’s eyes again.And it was. But it was hard instantly to push Jared from her mind, or the confusion of the previous year, just because Devan was so unexpectedly onside again.
Now Devan said, ‘Oh, out and about. I took Riley for a walk, then I dropped in on Bill for a cuppa and a chat. He’s after a nineteen-seventies Alfa now.’ Sheglanced at him as he spoke, detecting something oddly shifty in his tone. But he was staring at the sunset. He turned back and smiled, and she decided she’d imagined it. ‘With all that’s been going on in my head, I’d forgotten you were coming in today.’
