Page 59 of The Affair
He turned tearful eyes to meet hers.
‘I rang Neil last night.’
She waited.
‘He said not to be too harsh on you. It was just a stupid mistake – a low point in our marriage and you were vulnerable.’ He gave a sardonic laugh, then levelled his gaze at her. ‘Are you in love with him?’ His tone grated on her strung-out nerves.
Connie shook her head firmly.Love has never come into it, she thought.Obsession, yes. Intense, inexplicable lust, definitely. But never love– not for either of them, she had been sure, until that night she’d collapsed and, blinded by fever, reached out to Jared … incomprehensibly altering the story for him.
Yet, in Devan’s eyes, falling in love might be a more plausible excuse for her unfaithfulness. Casual carnal lust seemed almost obscene at her age. Although maybe her age had made her more susceptible. ‘No,’ she said firmly. ‘I was never in love with Jared. Not for a single minute.’
Her husband’s raised eyebrow told Connie he didn’t believe her. But she stared him down.
‘Doesn’t change much,’ he said sullenly, shaking hishead in disbelief. ‘God. My wife and my new friend …’ He held his linked hands to the back of his head and pulled his head down, letting out an anguished moan. ‘Go away, Connie,’ he said, with weary bitterness. ‘Just go away. I can’t stand the sight of you.’
Connie’s phone, left on the table last night, suddenly pinged with a text. Devan snatched it up. ‘Oh dear. Our beloved daughter.’ He thrust it at her with a look of cruel self-satisfaction. ‘Over to you.’ Up at six thirty with Bash most days, and knowing her mother rose early, Caitlin often touched base in the mornings.
She took it but resisted checking the message. If it had been urgent, her daughter would have called. There was nothing she could say to her at this moment, anyway. Her daughter would hate her from now on. Let Devan be the one to break the good news. But both of them seemed rooted to the spot at the stark reminder of the family they loved.
‘What do you want me to do?’ she asked, blinking her dry, scratchy eyes, which had finally run out of tears. But she knew, as she asked the question, what she had to do. It was unimaginable, remaining under the same roof with Devan. Feeling guilty all over again every time she looked into his face, upon which his agonizing hurt and reproach would be writ large for the foreseeable future.
He was hunched over, arms crossed, standing there like a statue. He had not answered her question.
‘I’d better go,’ she said. ‘It’s not going to work, me being here.’
His head shot up and, with a spark of ludicrous hope, she thought he might be going to ask her to stay. But he nodded, his eyes blank. ‘I think that’d be for the best.’
Devan didn’t say any more, just pushed past her and left the room.
Connie packed a case. She was scarcely aware of what she was doing. Questions were screeching about her brain, like seagulls fighting over a dropped sandwich.
Where can I go?Neil and Brooks would always take her in. But Neil had his mother for a pre-Christmas week, as he and Brooks were flying to Costa Rica for the holidays. Anyway, it was too close to both Jared and home. Lynne might let her stay for a few nights. But Connie knew it would cause her sister too much stress, disrupting Roddy’s routine with an uninvited guest. Jill and Bill? Bill was Devan’s best friend.Caitlin …She couldn’t think about her daughter.
Glancing absentmindedly at the pile of neatly folded clothes in the two sections of her wheelie-case, she pushed it aside and slumped onto the bed. Devan had taken Riley out, slamming the front door as if he were shutting it on their marriage. The silence was like a judge on his high bench, pointing a condemnatory finger at Connie, making crystal clear the price she must now pay. Which seemed painfully high.
Was she really packing a bag to leave behind her life and everyone who meant anything to her? She felt helpless. She refused to believe this would be the end of her marriage – surely that wasn’t possible – but she knewnow was not the time to fight for it. Devan needed space and she would give it to him. Although all she wanted to do was shove the suitcase onto the floor and climb into bed, go to sleep and pretend none of the events of the last twelve hours – the last seven months, indeed – had ever taken place. Wake to find everything the same as before that first treacherous kiss.
Flopping back on the duvet, she closed her eyes.Where is Jared?She’d told him she planned to tell Devan, but she might well have changed her mind, for all he knew.What will he do when he finds out his cover is blown?She shuddered at what a confrontation with her husband might look like.He can’t know where I’ve gone. Then she gave a sad laugh.Shedidn’t know where she was going either. Or for how long.
Exhausted, Connie slept, lying on her back and waking to a wrenching cramp in her stomach. Glancing at the bedside clock, she realized she’d been asleep for nearly an hour. Rain was pounding the windows and the bedroom was chilly. She dragged herself to her feet in a daze and reluctantly zipped her case shut.
I’ll drive to a hotel for the night, somewhere I can rest, take stock. Then she remembered, with a jolt, that they had only the one car. Her trusty, rusting Fiat 500 had died a death two years before and they hadn’t bothered to replace it, as her current job meant she didn’t need to drive to an office every day. She could hardly add to Devan’s indignities by leaving him stranded in the village, with only an hourly bus for transport. She reached for her mobile, hidden in the folds of the duvet, then put it down again, thought foranother couple of minutes, finally lifting it and punching in a number.
‘What’s happening, darling?’ Neil’s voice was full of concern. ‘Devan was off his head last night.’
‘He still is,’ she said grimly. ‘Listen, could you drive me to Weston?’ Connie was surprised at how matter-of-fact she sounded.
‘Weston? Why? Where are you going?’ Neil asked.
‘London,’ she said. ‘I can’t ask Devan.’
‘Where are you going to in London?’
‘Umm, a friend.’
There was silence. ‘A friend? Which friend, Connie?’ Pause. ‘I don’t like the sound of this. Where are you really going? You’re not running off withhim, are you?’
Connie gave a tired snort. ‘Of course not,’ she said. ‘I just need to get away from here, Neil. I don’t have a car, so I thought I’d be better somewhere I don’t need one.’
