Page 53 of The Affair
Connie refused to rise to the bait. The night he was deliberately reminding her of, the one that had started it all, now made her feel sick with shame. Levelling her gaze, she replied, as calmly as she could, ‘They do. I like the town but I prefer San Felice.’ She deliberatelynamed a town further round the lake, which had no associations.
Jared smiled.He’s enjoying himself, the bastard, she thought.
‘I feel I’m way behind you two in the travel stakes,’ Devan said. ‘I really need to catch up. I’ve been stuck behind the surgery desk too long.’ He pushed the dish of sausage pasta towards their guest, who took another spoonful. Connie was struggling with her first helping. The food felt claggy and solid in her mouth, as if she were chewing tennis balls, but she choked it down and said again how delicious it was.
‘I was in Warsaw earlier this year,’ Jared, relentless, was saying. ‘What an extraordinary place. The way they rebuilt the old city after the war is mind-boggling. Although I sometimes wonder if, by doing so, they’ve papered over the reality of what happened.’
Jared was gazing at her again, but luckily Devan engaged him about an article he’d read recently about the Warsaw ghetto and her heartbeat was allowed to subside, her cheeks to return to their normal colour.
‘You were sent that lovely Warsaw snow-globe, Con.’ Devan had turned to her. ‘Where did it go? We were going to give it to Bash.’
‘It’s around somewhere,’ she said abruptly, pushing back her chair and making for the door. She couldn’t stand it a second longer. With the loo door firmly locked, she sank onto the seat and buried her burning face in her hands. She wanted to cry, but she knew she couldn’t.
When she returned to the kitchen, Devan had cleared the pasta bowls and put a wedge of Manchego and a dish of mango chunks with pomegranate seeds on the table. The supper seemed interminable. But at least the men were still talking about the war.
‘Bloody hell, Con, you made hard work of that,’ Devan said, when they finally shut the door on Jared. ‘You were almost rude to the poor guy.’
Connie, busy scrubbing the surface around the cooker, did not look up as she said, ‘Sorry. Not feeling my best.’
But Devan was not to be brushed off so easily. He came over to her, carrying a handful of plates, which he placed on the side. ‘I get the feeling you really don’t like him.’
She didn’t know what to say, but he was staring at her and she had to stop what she was doing and meet his gaze.He must see it in my eyes, she thought, miserably. She said, ‘I don’t really know him.’
Devan was frowning. ‘It’s so not like you, being sulky with a guest.’ He was waiting for some sort of explanation, but she had none that was acceptable. ‘And he’s such a nice man. What have you got against him?’
She shrugged, throwing the cloth into the sink. All evening she’d held on, tried to contain her fury, the dread that Jared might be about to blow her life wide open – her anxiety overlaid by burning guilt.What am I doing to Devan?Sobs burst through her body and she began to shake. Devan’s arms were instantly around her.
‘Hey, hey, it’s OK …’
She leaned against him, feeling his warmth, his love, and the tears only flowed more strongly. He pulled away slightly and was looking down at her. ‘What on earth is it, Connie? What’s going on?’
She raised her face to his.Tell him, a voice in her head whispered.Tell him now. Get this over with.But she simply wasn’t brave enough.
‘Don’t know,’ she mumbled, dropping her head to his chest again. ‘I love you,’ she added, squeezing him harder.
‘I love you too,’ Devan replied, although his tone was puzzled.
‘Let’s leave all this till the morning,’ she said. ‘I’m so tired.’
Her husband obviously realized that that was all the clarification he was going to get tonight, and nodded his agreement, turning her gently around and heading her towards the stairs and their bed.
23
‘Hello, sweetheart.’ Connie was so pleased to hear her daughter’s voice. Caitlin and family had been away for three weeks in Los Angeles, where Ash was in negotiations for a miniseries with an LA-based streaming service. Connie had received lots of WhatsApp photos of Bash in the pool, on the beach with Mickey Mouse, eating ice cream in the sunshine, but she was glad they were back home now.
It was about ten days since Jared had been to supper. Since then, Connie had seen him once in the village shop, and rushed past him on a walk with Riley in the woods. Each time she’d barely acknowledged his presence. But she looked for him everywhere, twitched every time she left the house. And the vibrations of even these fleeting encounters haunted her for hours afterwards, reminding her of the speeding, out-of-control train that was about to derail her life. Their plans for getting away had fizzled out as Devan became more involved in the hospice project, so even that chance of a brief let-up in the pressure on her had been snatched away.
Devan met up with Jared in the pub at the weekend, but she declined to join them – her husband still bewildered by how she had taken against his new friend. She stubbornly refused to comment.
After a long catch-up, Connie said to her daughter, ‘Now, Christmas.’
Caitlin chuckled. It was a fraught subject in their family. Connie loved Christmas and delighted in every aspect of the festivities. Caitlin was with her father in thinking it was a waste of time and money – although her attitude had softened since Bash was born. Ash’s family, who were Hindu, always had a secular celebration in Manchester, but this year it was Connie and Devan’s turn to host.
‘Well,’ her daughter said, ‘I’ve talked to Ash, and we thoughtwecould do the honours this year.’
‘Really?’ Connie was secretly thrilled. She certainly didn’t have the headspace right now. Any excuse to leave the village and Jared’s clutches would be welcome, too. It would be just like Devan to ask the bloody man for Christmas ‘because he’s all on his own’.
‘We’ve never done it, Mum. It’s definitely our turn,’ Caitlin was saying. ‘I’m quite excited. You and Dad can stay a couple of nights. We’ll make a thing of it.’
