Page 6 of The Dating Ban
I swallow. Look away. “It wasn’t just about him. It was about the idea. That there might still be a version of a future where I’m… enough.”
Pee-Pee nods. “You are.”
I roll my eyes again, but it’s weaker this time. “Don’t go full Hallmark on me, Phyllis. You’ll ruin your image.”
She smiles, just slightly. “I wouldn’t dare.”
Pee-Pee lets the silence settle, then lifts her pen again. “So,” she says, “tell me more about the other night. The foursome.”
“Nothing else to say, really. It was a disaster. Let’s move on,” I shrug.
She gives me the look. TheI am patient, but you know I will outlast youlook.
I sigh and drop my head back against the chair, staring at the ceiling as if the meaning of life might be written up there between the eggshell paint and a suspiciously flickering lightbulb.
Phyllis waits. She’s good at that—waiting me out until the silence gets too unbearable and I start talking just to fill it.
I try to fight it, but the weight of her stare is too much.
“Alright, fine,” I grumble, rubbing my hands over my face. “What do I want to take away from this? Maybethat I should stop making decisions purely because I think they’ll make me feel desired?”
She nods, encouraging. “That’s a start.”
I frown. “But also… I did think it would be fun. And maybe it should have been? But it wasn’t, and I don’t know why.”
Pee-Pee tilts her head slightly, her cardigan sleeves bunching at the wrists as she folds her hands in her lap. “Well, what did you really think would happen after a foursome?”
I open my mouth to answer quickly, but I hesitate. Because honestly? Yeah, I don’t think I can tell her about my MMMF fantasy right after she’s accused me of conjuring up imaginary futures.
“I suppose… a connection with someone,” I say slowly, testing the words as they come out of my mouth. “Excitement? Confidence? Like I’m a person who does fun, spontaneous things instead of just…”
I trail off, not really sure how to finish that sentence.
Pee-Pee watches me for a moment before gently prompting, “Instead of what?”
Instead of being alone.
The thought flashes through my brain so quickly I barely catch it before it disappears.
I shift uncomfortably in my seat. “I don’t know,” I say, avoiding her gaze. “Instead of just sitting at home watching telly, I suppose.”
“Hm,” she says. The worst possible thing.
I give her a wary look. “What’s thathmfor?”
She taps her pen lightly against her notebook. “Ivy, would you say you’ve spent much time on your own since your divorce?”
I blink. “What do you mean? Of course I have. I live alone.”
Pee-Pee smiles kindly, as if I’ve just confirmed something she already knew. “I meant emotionally. Have you given yourself time to be by yourself, without looking for the next person to fill that space?”
I let out a breathy laugh. “I’m not looking for someone to ‘fill a space.’”
She arches a brow.
I shift again. “I mean… okay, yes, I’ve dated a lot. But I like dating. It’s fun.”
“And when you’re not dating?” she asks, tilting her head again.
