Page 70 of I Found You
Wes lounged back into the couch cushions and took a sip of his water. “Yeah. If I were Maeve, I’d be done with your ass too. She’s only good enough for you if she’s raising a kid. On her own, she isn’t enough. I’d kick your ass to the curb in a fucking minute.”
My head fell back onto the couch. Axe-throwing had drained most of my anger, leaving me feeling gutted. I liked the anger better.
“Fix it. Don’t fix it. Either way, I’m here for you, brother,” Wes said as he stood from the couch. His gaze was intense, and his brow furrowed when he looked at me. “But I’ve never seen you as happy as you have been since you’ve been with her. If you don’t think she was the reason for it, walk away. But I think it was more than just Jane that brought you over there every day. That shit looked like the real deal. At least from where I’m standing.”
He walked away, leaving me to my ceiling staring again.
29
Maeve
“Do you want more iced tea?” I asked.
I had my house to myself for four days. I hated it. I missed the noises Jane would make. I missed having to straighten up the living room every evening, putting the play mats and blankets and toys away. I missed the anticipation of Wyatt walking through the door after a long day at the garage. That was the only logical reason I could think of why I had extended an invite to Josie.
“Oh, sure. But I’ll get it. You just sit and relax,” she replied.
After an uncomfortable dinner where we stuck to small talk and idly gossiped about celebrities, Josie and I were sitting on my back porch, both of us trying to pretend like this was normal.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Josie asked a few minutes later, putting a glass of iced tea down on the small table between the two chairs. I desperately wanted something stronger in my glass, but I didn’t want to test Josie’s sobriety just because I was having an internal crisis.
I took a sip of my drink to stall answering her. I needed to be able to getthe words out without breaking down. “About what?” I asked with feigned innocence.
“I know I don’t have much of a claim here, but Iamstill your mother. You’re hurting, love. It’s written all over you. Just tell me this… is this a ‘toilet-paper his yard’ offense or a ‘drive my car through his house’ offense? Just so I can prepare myself.”
The chuckling started first, followed closely by the tears that I was trying so hard to keep at bay.
Josie reached over and held my hands in hers. I let her. We hadn’t had much physical contact since she had been back, but it felt nice to have this small comfort.
“He left me. Or maybe I broke up with him. I’m not really sure, to be honest. We were fighting, and he said some cruel things, and I just snapped. I told him to get out, and he did. And he’s never coming back.” Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to get all of that out while having a rock in my throat threatening to close off my airways. Josie moved from her seat to kneel in front of me, only releasing my hands to wipe her thumb across my cheeks.
“Hey now, I know you’re hurting, but you’ll be okay. You’ll get through this, I promise.”
“It isn’t just Wyatt. He stomped on my heart when he walked out the door, but it was already broken before him… How did you do it?” I asked softly. “How did you just walk away from us? I’ve only had Jane for a few months, and I felt my heart physically break when I had to hand her to Angela. And she wasn’t even mine. I knew it was temporary from the beginning, and it still killed me to watch her drive away. Did you just not love us enough to stick around?” I hadn’t meant to ask her that. It wasn’t a question that I wanted answered, although maybe I needed it to be.
Josie’s face paled where she was still on her haunches in front of me. The guilt and remorse on her face betrayed the pain she carried.
“I have been nothing but a crappy mother to you. But that is not true, what you must believe about me. I’ve loved you since the moment you were born.” I sank to the ground, sitting cross-legged as she continued. “I had so many grand ideas about what our life was going to be like. Our little family would grow into a bigger family. We would buy a house, just like yours, and raise you along with your brothers and sisters. We would be happy. And then everything changed before you were even eating solid food. I realized I had been a fool to think that we would make it work. I spiraled. I didn’t mean to, I swear. I was young and thought it was my right to drink and smoke and party.”
She shook her head, and I could see her getting lost in her memories, or whatever remained of her memories of those years. When she looked up at me, her storm cloud eyes filled with tears. “When it first started, I thought it was just a means to an end. A way I could earn enough to get us that life that I wanted for you.” She didn’t clarify what she meant when she said “it.” She didn’t need to. As a child, I didn’t understand the sex work trade. Those men were her “friends” because that’s what she told me.
“People told me how dangerous it was, even the other ladies in the trade. But I thought I was immune. I thought I was smarter than all of them. I wasn’t. And I am so, so sorry for everything. For every moment in your childhood.”
Josie and I were both sobbing now. Full body-wrenching sobs. I crawled over to her and pulled her to me. She wrapped her arms around me tightly, stuttering apology after apologyin my ear.
Somehow, after what might have been a few minutes or maybe an hour, we collapsed on the porch and just lay there, trying to collect ourselves from the emotional stress.
“I didn’t want to repeat my mistakes with Jackson. I tried so hard when he was born,” Josie said softly from where she lay on my right.
“You didn’t. You left.”
“Maeve,” she started, a sob escaping before she could continue. I took the opportunity while she worked to collect herself enough to speak.
“I was bitter and resentful about that for a really long time, Mom. For all of it, if we’re being honest with each other. I was bitter that you would make the effort for him but not me. I felt like I was never enough, not worth enough to you for you to make those changes for me. But then when you started slipping away again, going back to your old habits, I realized that even though I resented you, I still loved you, and I still wanted you to be well, especially for Jackson’s sake. Even if it was just for his sake and no one else’s.”
Josie slipped her hand into mine but didn’t interrupt. I could feel her shake beside me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look over at her. I didn’t want to see the pain in her eyes that I knew would be there. The relief in my soul was worth too much for me to stop now. I needed to get this off my chest. If Josie was serious about sticking around and building a relationship with me and Jackson, we were going to need to air all of our dirty laundry, trauma, and resentments. Only then would we be able to move forward.
“You leaving was the best decision you could have made. Jackson didn’t deserve to live the same childhood that I had.I wouldn’t have let him. I wish you could have waited until I was out of high school before you disappeared, but hey, it worked out in the end.” The fake laugh I huffed out didn’t fool anyone.
