Page 46 of Cozy Prisons
“I’ve never been to Dandilow II, but I’ve heard from Damascus that its governing body isn’t concerned much with law keeping,” he said.
“No joke,” she grumbled. “The law is only there to protect the Massoks, the species that owns the planet. Everyone else is classified as prey. They’re one of the only colonies near Tanash Station that would accept refugees, but we found out later it was because they fed on us.”
“They ate some of you?” he asked, sounding a surprised rattle.
She huffed out a tired laugh. “Not literally, figuratively. We didn’t have many rights and barely any resources. The credits we brought with us didn’t last long, and work was hard to find. There were a lot of refugees from the Talin-Orlok war who ended up there. If they were lucky, someone arrived to collect them quickly. We weren’t lucky. We didn’t have any place to go, and even if we did, we didn’t have the credits to get there. Each day was a fight for survival. Some battles were easier than others.”
He couldn’t imagine being in such a bad situation and knowing he had no way to make it better. “The fact that you managed for as long as you did is commendable. I’m sure there were plenty of individuals on Dandilow II that didn’t manage half as long.”
She snorted. “If you heard about what we looked like when they found us, you probably wouldn’t say that. All of us were starving, Grace was dying from a brain tumor, and Riff could barely use her right arm from a work injury. After all our tools had been stolen, we were reduced to mostly doing poorly paid, unskilled labor jobs. Sometimes they’d pay us less than we agreed to because there was no way for us to enforce anything.”
“Now that you’re here with plenty of food, shelter, and safety, do you think of those days often?” he asked.
“I don’t dwell,” she assured him. “My problems aren’t like that. I don’t have nightmares about that life or anything."
“I’ve heard of nightmares,” he said. “It’s similar to one of our memory episodes.”
“Yeah, I think so,” she agreed. “Anyway, that’s not my issue.”
“What is?”
She went silent, and he let her. This wasn’t the time to push; this was the time to be patient. He’d spent solars learning how to interrogate, and while he’d never use any of the harsh techniques on Nataly, he was well aware that some individualssimply needed space to speak and that could include long bouts of silence.
The silence lasted so long he thought she might have fallen asleep, but when he looked down, her eyes were open and she was staring off into space.
“We’re all safe here,” she repeated. “So why can’t I stop being afraid?”
That simple sentence gave him enormous insight. Suddenly, many of her actions made sense.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “Tell me more, please.”
“Everything is fine in here,” she started. “There’s no danger lurking in the shadows or around the next turn. Except my body isn’t acting like we’re safe. At first, it was small things, like not being able to be out of sight of other people. Then I needed to be close enough to touch. Then I needed to be able to touch someone. Now even thinking about going outside makes me start to panic.”
“But you were outside eating with us.”
She nodded. “It’s different when I’m with you. The anxiety is there, but I can ignore it.”
“The incident the other night when you fainted, was it because of this fear?” he asked.
She nodded her head in a way that rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. “Yeah. When it gets bad, I can't seem to breathe, and my heart beats so fast it hurts.”
“That’s why you were confident that Falkilm wouldn’t find anything,” he murmured.
A small chuckle came out of her. “When he said he was going to do all that extra analysis, I got a little worried. But I guess it didn’t matter because I’m still a mystery to him.”
“I’ve heard of tests where the healers can compound special medication for anxiety,” he suggested. “Maybe they can do that for your fear, too.”
“Maybe.” Her tone was clearly unenthused. “It’s so stupid, I don’t want to tell Falkilm or anyone about it. I should be fine. Everything should be good, except it’s not. It seems even worse that I’m the one having an issue.” She made a growly, frustrated sound. “I never had a problem before. The entire time we were on Dandilow II, I was the one who never broke down. I was scared a few times, but nothing like this. Why now? It doesn’t make any sense!”
“Maybe you used up all your calm,” he suggested.
“Huh?”
“It reminds me of what happened to me early in my career. The first solar I worked as a mavin, I didn’t get any breaks,” he said. “By the second solar, I’d proved myself and was given entire rotations as rest periods like a regular work schedule would have, except suddenly it wasn’t enough. I’d sleep for almost an entire rotation and still feel fatigued. I didn’t understand why when I’d managed to do an entire solar with little rest.”
“You overextended yourself,” she murmured. “Your body couldn’t compensate anymore. I’ve had that happen after a series of long, back-to-back shifts without breaks.”
“That’s what the healer told me,” he agreed. “Maybe that is what happened to your calm. You used up your ability to push away fear and worry so much that you can’t do it anymore.”
