Page 37 of Saved by my Baby Daddy Spy
“It is.”
I swallow hard, my thoughts racing. If Holden is going to figure out how to be a father to our daughter, I have to remove myself from the equation. They need to focus on getting to know each other and they can’t do that if Holden is worrying about a relationship with me as well.
I want him to have the best possible chance at bonding with Kerrigan.
There’s something that tells me he is going to be an amazing father, and I just have to give him the opportunity.
“When can I properly meet her? Maybe spend a little time together?” Holden hands me back the phone. “I don’t want to push hard. I know this is new for you too.”
“Once she gets back tomorrow morning, you can meet her properly.” I get out of bed and head to my dresser, pulling out a pair of shorts and a camisole.
“Where are you going?” Holden asks, his voice playful.
I look over my shoulder to see him crawling to the edge of the bed. Guilt courses through me again, but I know what I have to do next.
“This has been a good night,” I say, swallowing hard as I get dressed. I turn to face him, hoping my voice doesn’t crack. This is nothing more than two adults hooking up for a night. “But, I think it’s best if we don’t do this again. You should focus on Kerrigan.”
Holden gets out of bed and grabs his clothing. His face is red as he gets dressed.
When he looks at me again, I try to put up high walls around my heart. He opens his mouth before shaking his head and walking out. I hear the front door close and bite back every emotion that I’m feeling.
This isn’t about me. Not even in the slightest.
Kerrigan comes first. She is always going to come first. You can’t do anything to risk driving Holden away from her.
If that comes at the expense of my own heart, then so be it.
Chapter Thirteen
Holden
Afterthedisasterthatwas last night, I feel like shit going back to Preston’s home the next evening. I didn’t think that Hannah was going to tell me that she doesn’t want to be with me if I spend time with our daughter.
While I can see where she is coming from — and though I know she is probably right about needing to focus — it still stings.
I don’t understand why our situation is different now that I know Kerrigan is my daughter, but it is.
As I stand outside the front door, trying to gain the courage to knock, I take a deep breath.
Two days ago, I didn’t know I had a daughter. Now, I know that I have one and I’m about to see her. I don’t even know what to say to a toddler about our relationship.
Not that there is much she would understand either way, but I’m still worried. My chest constricts as I knock and wait for what seems like an eternity.
Preston opens the door with a sympathetic smile. “Good to see you. Hannah went out for a little bit to give you some time with Kerrigan, but Audrey and I are both here if you feel like you’re in over your head.”
I scoff, putting on a false show of bravado. “Please, you’re acting like I’ve never been around a baby before.”
“Wrong,” Preston says with a smile as he leads the way to Kerrigan’s room. “I’m acting like you are a man who spends very little time around children and just found out he has a child. You need a little support right now, and we are here to offer it.”
“How did you handle adjusting to becoming a father?” I ask, trying to wrap my head around everything.
“Accept that you’re never going to be a perfect parent and then do the very best that you can. Your kid comes first and everything else is secondary. And if you’re in, you have to be all in. There is no pulling the cord in a few years and backing out. Parenthood is a lifetime.”
The walls of the room feel like they’re closing in around me as I nod and try to absorb his words. As soon as Hannah told me that Kerrigan was mine, I knew I was all in.
However, when Preston talks about a lifetime, there is a little voice in the back of my mind that tells me there is no way I’m going to be able to handle this.
When I walk into Kerrigan’s room, I’m faced with a little girl who looks just like her mom playing with her dolls on the floor. Kerrigan cuddles one of the plush dolls, her chubby little fingers playing with its wool hair.
