Page 23 of Saved by my Baby Daddy Spy
“That’s his own fault. You tried to get in contact with him for far longer than I would have. If he didn’t want to answer you, that’s his problem.”
I sigh and run my hand through my hair. “I don’t know. There is a part of me that thinks I should have tried harder. What if I had kept messaging him every few weeks during the second year? Would he have come back sooner and met his daughter?”
Carmen shakes her head as we walk into the café and find a little table in the back. “You can’t play the what-if game. Don’t do that to yourself.”
“It’s all I’ve been playing for the last two years.”
Carmen hands me Kerrigan. “I’m going to go get us some coffees and a chocolate milk for her. While I’m doing that, I want you to try and relax. Shit happened. It’s about time you move on from that.”
I nod and bounce Kerrigan on my knee, smiling down at her. She really is the best thing to come out of the time I spent with Holden.
The way things ended between us was jarring, but I should have expected it. We had a few good times together, but that was it.
Except, now we are tied together for the rest of our lives.
“What are we going to do, Kerri?” I ask, my tone light and playful as she reaches for my necklace. “Your dad is back in town and I don’t know how to tell him that you’re his. I don’t know if I should.”
I should. He deserves to know her, even if he doesn’t want children.
Although, wouldn’t that only do more damage in the long run?
Holden didn’t just say that kids aren’t in the image he has of his future. He said that they would be a bad idea.
Would he say those same things to Kerrigan when she gets older, if he knows who she is?
Would I have to explain to my daughter why her father didn’t want her?
My mind is racing as my stomach tosses and turns. Carmen comes back to the table with our drinks. She pours Kerrigan’s chocolate milk into her little sippy cup before handing it to her and taking a seat on the opposite side of the table.
“You look like you’re still freaking out about Holden.”
“Shouldn’t I?” I take a sip of my coffee. “Thanks for this. I just don’t know what to do when it comes to him. Sure, if Kerrigan wasn’t in the middle of everything, I would tell him to leave me alone and never speak to me again, but that’s not necessarily a good way to co-parent.”
Carmen smiles and shakes her head. “You’re going to figure this out, Hannah. You just need to take a breather.”
“How do you know that?”
“You’re a great mom,” she says, playing with the cardboard sleeve on her drink. “You have been since she was born. At the end of the day, I know that you’re going to do what’s best for Kerrigan.”
“I wish I could have that same kind of faith. I keep going back and forth in my head about how the decision I make could mess up her life. Holden said he doesn’t want kids, yet he has one. How do you think that is going to play out?”
Carmen shrugs. “There’s no way of knowing until it does.”
“I have no clue how you are so calm about this.” I put Kerrigan in her stroller as she drinks her milk. “I’m freaking out.”
“Probably because I’m not the one going through it.”
“I have to tell him that he has a daughter. There’s no way around that. Not that I would ever want a way around it. I just don’t know how I’m going to react if he says that he doesn’t want any part of her life.”
I take another sip of my coffee, trying to keep my hands from shaking. The room feels like it’s closing in around me and I’m second-guessing myself at every turn. Holden has been back in San Francisco for a day at most and my world is already spinning out of control.
How the hell could he be a part of my life if just the sight of him is enough to make me feel like I’m losing it?
I have to figure out a way to get over the feelings that are bubbling to the surface — or at least a way to bury them until I can’t feel them anymore.
I can’t let how I feel about Holden impact his relationship with Kerrigan.
Sighing, I look down at my daughter, sipping her milk happily in her stroller. She grins at me around the cup, her big brown eyes enough to melt the ice that’s trying to form around my heart.
