Page 56 of Saved by my Baby Daddy Spy
The worst part is that she tells me what she needs. She tells me what her expectations are. They’re simple. Easy to achieve. And yet, I can’t bring myself to do it. I should tell her the truth, that is all she’s asking for.
Some would call what I’ve been doing self-sabotage, and I doubt they would be wrong.
Still, I have to do what I can to put a bandage on this relationship. I can see Hannah starting to waver. I want her to know that she can count on me to be there for her and Kerri.
Except, I’m doing a terrible job at actually proving that to her.
When Hannah comes back out, there is still another hour left of the flight. She sits down in the seat across from mine and sighs.
“We have to talk about this,” Hannah says, sounding like she would rather do anything else. “I really would like to enjoy this vacation, but we’re not going to be able to do that if we keep ignoring the elephant in the room.”
I lean back in the seat and pick at a loose thread in the stitching. My heart hammers in my chest and I wonder if this is going to be the conversation when she tells me that she is done and is going to be looking for more out of her love life.
“You’re right,” I say, even though I want to run and hide. “We do have to talk about everything that’s been happening the past few weeks.”
She nods, a distant look in her eyes. Her grip on the arm of the seat tightens. “You told me that I could count on you. You made me believe that you were going to be there for our family — that we were going to be your priority — and then you did everything you could to disprove that.”
I feel like I’m going to be sick. My instinct is to argue back and say that I have been trying, but that would mean I have to tell her the truth.
“I don’t know what to say right now.” I take a deep breath in a desperate attempt to stall for more time. “I know that I haven’t been there like I said I would.”
“I’m going to be honest with you, Holden, because I think you deserve that. If you can’t find a way to make your family a priority, I can’t be in a relationship with you. I would never keep you from Kerri, but I’m not going to entertain anything romantic with a man who doesn’t value me. Who sees me as a partner.”
The plane feels somehow smaller all of a sudden. It feels like I can’t breathe as I look at Hannah, wondering how the hell we got to this point so quickly in our relationship. I’ve never been good at anything serious, but I didn’t think I was this bad.
“Hannah, that isn’t what I want.”
She arches an eyebrow, her lips pursing. “You have a funny way of showing it, then. I want this to work between us, Holden, but right now I don’t know if it’s going to. I know you care about us. Believe me, that part of our relationship is not being questioned. It’s just, I don’t think you care enough to tell me the truth. I feel like you have been hiding something from me. I can handle a lot of things Holden, but I cannot handle being lied to.”
When I don’t respond, she leans back in her chair. “That’s what I thought. You need to decide what is most important to you, Holden.”
“You and Kerri,” I say without a second thought. “It’s always been you and Kerri.”
“Then you need to act like it. Right now, I feel like I may as well have moved out on my own. I want us to be a family, Holden, but that means that you have to bring me into your confidence and include me in your decision making.” I notice the dark circles beneath her eyes. She looks tired, like she’s been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.
And in a way, I suppose she has. I promised her that I was going to be there to help her. I told her that moving in together would be good for us.
She’s been acting as a single mother for most of the time we’ve been living together. Even then, the thing that bothers her the most is when I lie and keep secrets from her.
My mouth is dry as her words circle through my mind. How do I make this better? How can I make her believe that she means the world to me? Does she know that I’ve fallen for her? Does it matter to her?
“I’m going to do better,” I say, knowing that I will this time. I can’t lose my family. “I’ve been scared of everything that we’ve been building together. It’s more than I ever thought I would have, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t scare the shit out of me. But I want this. I’m going to do whatever it takes to prove to you that I want this.”
“Good, then let's start with the truth. You mentioned that some of the things you’ve been doing is so you can protect Kerri and me? How are we involved in your business?”
“I know that the last few weeks have been a lot. A lot has happened and I can’t disclose much aside from the part that effects you.”
“I’m not asking to know more than that,” she said.
I spent the rest of the plane flight telling her about everything, from Vladimir to Ludwig and to the other reason why we’re on this vacation.
“So,” I say as we slide into the hot tub outside our cabin later that night. Hannah puts the baby monitor on the table beside the hot tub before getting in with me. “What do you think about being up here in the mountains?”
Hannah sinks down deeper into the water, tendrils of her hair falling loose from her bun. She smiles as she closes her eyes and tilts her face toward the sun setting over the hills.
“Honestly, I feel like this is exactly the vacation we needed. A reset of sorts for our relationship.”
I watch her for a moment, wondering how I got lucky enough to end up with a woman like her. Hannah is everything I’ve ever wanted. Seeing her laugh and play with Kerri, running through the woods and stopping to pick flowers, makes me want more kids with her.
