Page 52 of Saved by my Baby Daddy Spy
“I figured that the two of you would get together,” Audrey says, stretching her legs out in front of her. “But that’s not what this is about, is it?”
“Not really.” I look out the window at the sun shining high in the sky. Fat white clouds drift by. It would be the perfect day to go down to the park and get some writing done, but I can’t do that now.
“Do you think that this is going to end up being a pretty serious thing between the two of you?”
All I can hear is my pulse pounding in my ears. A million different thoughts race through my mind, but I don’t know what to think about any of them. Part of me wants to hold back from telling Audrey everything that’s on my mind in case some of it is unfair.
The other part of me knows that she is the only one who might understand how I’m feeling.
“He puts his work first, above all else.” My stomach lurches, the words making me feel sick. “One night, he was four hours late. It was getting close to midnight. I was supposed to get some work done once he got home, but he couldn’t even be bothered to call and tell me that he was going to be late. We talked about it, but I don’t think anything really got through to him.”
Audrey’s eyebrows raise. “How do you know nothing got through to him?”
“It’s been pretty much the same since. He doesn’t show up when he’s supposed to. I wait an hour or two before calling him. He answers my calls only to apologize and promise that it won’t happen again. I feel like my work keeps getting put on the back burner in favor of his. And then our family is shoved back there right alongside it.”
Audrey shakes her head, her lips pursing. There is a pink tinge to her cheeks, the only sign that she is angry. She doesn’t say anything for a few long seconds and I’m sure that it’s for my benefit.
I know that she doesn’t want to say anything that’s going to upset me more. She’s not the kind to add more insult to injury, but there’s fire burning in her eyes.
Holden will be lucky to make it out alive if my sister decides to hunt him down.
“I feel like a bad mother,” I say, tears gathering in my eyes as my voice breaks slightly. “I feel like I’m more worried about the work time I’m losing than Kerri not spending time with Holden.”
“You’re a good mother,” Audrey says, her voice fierce. “You know that there is nothing to worry about because Kerri has all the love in the world that she could ever need. You’re worried about work because if you aren’t making money, you can’t provide for her.”
I nod and wipe the tears, though my chest is still constricted. Moving in with Holden wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be working together as a team to raise our child. We were both supposed to be able to follow our dreams.
“I don’t think that I should have to call a grown man and ask him where the hell he is,” I say as I get up and head into the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of water before coming back over to the couch.
“You shouldn’t have to. I could see him forgetting to call every now and then because it happens to the best of us, but how often has this been happening?”
I shrug and sit back down, taking a long drink of my water. “Every third day or so for the past two weeks. I don’t know what to do. It feels like I’m talking to a wall sometimes. I want this to work with him, but I keep feeling like our family isn’t a priority to him.”
Audrey frowns, though her gaze is sympathetic. “I know that this is hard to deal with. He’s always been the kind of man who would rather work than do anything else. I would think that he would start to get his shit together by now, though.”
“That’s what I thought. I don’t know how many more times I can keep having the same conversation with him.” A lump rises in my throat, threatening to choke me. “I want this relationship to work, Audrey. I want our little family to be together and I want a future for us.”
“But you’re starting to wonder if that is really possible,” Audrey says, filling in the words I can’t bring myself to stay. “I know what it’s like to have doubts.”
“If he won’t make us a priority, then there isn’t much of a future for us.” I take a deep breath, trying to stop the emotions that want to come flooding out. “I don’t know why he doesn’t put the importance on this family that he should.”
“Have you talked to him about that?” Audrey asks, her voice gentle.
“I have. Over and over again. He keeps telling me that this time will be different. That things are going to be better. I don’t know how I can still picture moving forward in our lives together when everything is this uncertain, but I do.”
“It’s because you love him. Whether you like it or not, whether you want to admit it right now or not, you do love him. You’re trying to bring out the man you know he can be, but he doesn’t see a need for that man to be here. You’ve been handling everything on your own for so long that he knows you can do it again.”
I nod, but my entire body feels numb. My thoughts are racing but none of them make sense.
I should leave before my heart gets broken.
I should stay and see if there is a way to work this out.
I should talk to him again. Maybe this time will be the time that he listens.
What if he never really wanted a family and is just doing what he thinks he has to?
“I want to believe that he is going to wake up one day and see what is sitting here in front of him, but I don’t know if that day is ever going to come.”
