Page 50 of Ruin
But “No,” is what comes out of my mouth.
“How long has this been a problem for you?” he asks. My brow furrows, not sure what he’s asking. “Having people in your house?”
“I’m fine,” I say, even though it’s a lie.
“No, you’re not,” he answers. “I can see the anxiety written all over your face. You don’t want people in your space. Even when it comes to your things, you don’t want to let people in.”
“Can you blame me?” I ask, holding my head high.
He gives me a sad smile. “No, Kolton. I don’t blame you. Not one single bit.”
When he leaves, I get to cleaning.
Chapter Twenty-One
Lucian
There isn’t a store in town that will have everything I need, so I take the drive to Newhall, which is the closest city. It’s an hour away. I’m in no rush though, other than wanting to see Kolton again, but Anastacia will be safe with him until I get back. She’ll probably sleep until tomorrow, so it’s not like she needs these things immediately. Sleep will help her for now, so it’s not an issue.
There’s a strip of stores I’ve gone to before, and pull into the lot. The first place I go is the clothing store, where I get her a few outfits. I’m not sure what kind of clothes she likes, so I focus on comfort over everything else. The last few weeks of pregnancy aren’t easy. When she’s feeling up for it, I’ll take her to get clothes she wants. Or I’ll leave my credit card with Kolton, and they can order some things online. I have no idea what size shoe she is, so I figure what she has will have to do, and opt toget her comfortable slippers instead. I don’t know a thing about this girl to guess colors or what material she likes, so I do my best by guessing from her age.
After checking out, I toss everything in my car, then head into the grocery store. I spend less time here, since I know what I need, gathering fresh fruits and vegetables plus some staples like milk and eggs.
Kolton has always been particular about certain things, but I see it more in him now. I’m not a psychologist to diagnose anything, but it presents to me like OCD. It’s funny because he hides it well, but there was no way he was hiding it with me in his house. This isn’t easy for him, but this experience will l be good for him. Having worth, knowing he’s doing something good, helping someone—it’ll boost his confidence. That’s what he needs right now. It’s clear he cares about the town and the people in it, especially the kids.
A couple hundred dollars later, and all the groceries are in my car. I make one more stop at the liquor store to grab a bottle of wine. Maybe I’m pushing my luck here, but you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take, and I’ve already decided the rest of my life will be spent begging for Kolton’s forgiveness and trying to win him back. I’ve prepared myself for the rejection that will come along with it. Anyone who deals with Kolton needs thick skin.
The sun is starting to set as I drive back to Pinehaven. Sometimes I miss the city, but I haven’t been here long enough to really get used to it. The quiet is the hardest part.
When I was younger, I didn’t mind the town. My family was rich, so they had a lot of ties to the community. It was home, and it was where I belonged. But then I got older and saw there was more out there for me than this small town. Opportunities I wanted to take, and because I had the means to take them, I did. I went to college. Became a surgeon. Moved to the city. Got married. Had a kid.
But that’s where the fun stopped. What else was there after that? Sure, I had my son, whom I still love dearly, and watching him grow up over the years was amazing, but it all fell flat. The milestones stopped, and soon there was nothing making me happy, nothing to look forward to.
Until Kolton. He was the fire that kept me going, that kept me wanting more. He was what I had been looking for all along. And for some crazy reason, I fucked it up. And I don’t just mean the night I left him, but from the very beginning.
I should have left Beth right away. I shouldn’t have dragged Kolton along for seven years before finally abandoning him. It was wrong in so many ways, and truly, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was stressed and confused, and all I knew was that I loved the way things were with him. What if things changed if we changed? There was so much fear around that idea, until I had a bigger fear take over. One that ultimately led me to leaving him alone. One that took me years to come to terms with.
It hurts to look back at my life and see how much time I’ve missed with him. But I’m only fifty-seven. I still have a ton ofyears ahead of me. Years that I want to spend with Kolton, if he’ll only let me.
I’m so lost in my thoughts on the ride back that I don’t realize I’m in Pinehaven until I’m reaching Kolton’s driveway. It’s hidden. Something you’d miss if you didn’t know it was there. You can’t see his house from the thickness of trees along the road. It’s just like him to want his solidarity. To hide away and not let anyone in.
My sweet, sad boy.
I pull up the driveway and park by his truck. I let the engine run for a moment as I work myself up to this. Though I prepared myself for rejection, it doesn’t make it any easier. It never gets easier seeing his anger pointed toward me.
Kolton has a wicked tongue, and he knows how to make his words hurt. They are a weapon that he wields well.
Kolton always said how much he appreciated that I was able to keep him calm when he felt so out of control. That’s what I need to keep doing. I need to be that for him. So, I take a moment for myself, so I can prepare to be that calming force he needs me to be.
I lower the AC and put the window down halfway. The warm air floods in, but I listen to the swish of the trees and the chirping birds. I hear the calmness in the air, of being surrounded by nature and not people and buildings and cars.
Everything about this place is designed to make you calm, yet even in all of this, Kolton can’t find the stillness he craves. DareI think I’m the missing piece? I was once upon a time. I suppose it’s possible I could be that again.
Before he sees me out here, I put the window up and shut the car off.
I grab as many bags as I can to bring inside, using my elbow to ring the bell. He opens the door and steps aside, allowing me in. I put them down on the kitchen floor and turn to get the rest, but he’s already down the stairs and walking toward my open trunk.
“I can get this,” I say as I go out after him.
