Page 107 of Ruin
I stare at him, not knowing what to say. “Kolton, I was serious when I said I wanted to do this with you. I meant it when I told you I still love you. Because of that, I’m going to do my best to make this relationship work. And quite frankly, that will never happen if you don’t trust me.”
“But—”
“Let me finish.” I swallow hard and nod. “I am not in your head. I cannot change the way you think, and all the words in the world will not make you trust me. The only way you’re going to trust me is if you see it with your own two beautiful blue eyes.” The smallest smile crosses my lips. “This conference is going to be the perfect opportunity for me to show you that you can trust me. I told you I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, and I will. Let me prove to you that you can trust me.”
I take a slow, deep breath and let it out just as slowly. My eyes fall closed. “Okay.”
When I open my eyes, Lucian is smiling at me.
“There’s my good boy.” His smile grows, and so does mine. “Will you stay with me tonight?” he asks.
“Yes, “ I say, letting out a breath of relief.
I don’t know how I feel about him leaving. I’m okay with it after everything he just said, but the next two days will be hell. But if I want to do this with him, I need to try.
I want to be happy with Lucian, and the only person who can make that happen is me.
I’ve been lying in bed for hours and haven’t slept a wink. We called it an early night after Lucian made us dinner. He has to be up in a little over an hour to get on the road to get to Portland in time to catch his flight.
My stomach is unsettled, and my head won’t stop racing. He said he would come back, but he’s said that before. I’m angry with myself for getting this deep. How did that even happen? Just a couple weeks ago, I was pushing him away, certain I hated him, and now all of a sudden, I don’t want him to leave again?
I turn on my side and watch him as he sleeps. The room is dark, the only light coming from the crack in the open door from the hallway. He insisted on leaving the light on in case I needed to get up for anything. I don’t know this house the way he does.
Lucian is a beautiful man. Age has done him well, though I’ve always thought him handsome. Strong features, kind eyes. I rest my hand on his bare chest, feeling his heart beat beneath, feeling his chest rise and fall with each slow and steady breath.
I love this man. I have loved him since I was sixteen years old—to the point of obsession. It’s unhealthy, the way I allow my feelings to be controlled by him, but maybe, just maybe, if I tell him my concerns, we can work on it all together. Maybe all I need is him with me to help me get through this shit. Maybe I’m not strong enough to do it on my own, and maybe that’s okay.
I slide my hand further down, running over his soft skin. He’s still in shape, but that’s because he never stops. He’s active, always doing something, and for the most part he eats healthy.
My fingers slip under the sheet, and I push them down, needing to see more of him.
It’s new for us to share a bed together. I’ve never been able to see him like this, to enjoy every inch of him. I’m sure I’ve touched and kissed each part, but to lie here and take it in with my eyes, I’ve never had the luxury. And if he leaves me tomorrow and doesn’t come back, I want every inch of his body memorized. I’ll torture myself for the rest of my life if I lose him again, but I’ll only have myself to blame.
The sheet moves beneath his belly button, bunching at his hips, but I push it down further, past his semi-hard dick. It throbs as the blanket brushes along it, and I ache to wrap my hand around it and suck. For now, I just look.
His hips are well defined, thick hair around his thick cock. The tan lines along his lower stomach tells me he does a lot of work outside with his shirt off.
I could have been there for all of that. We missed out on so much. Maybe I’ll never truly understand why he did what he did, but maybe I don’t have to. What I need to do is choose to forgive him, the same way I have to choose to be happy.
Lucian takes a deep breath, and I hold my breath, hoping he doesn’t wake up. His breathing soon evens out again, and I push the blankets down more, taking in the rest of his dick and his balls.
He told me he saw me today at the park. He said he went there looking for me because he was worried after my brother called and I hadn’t answered my phone.
Lucian knows me well.
He parked on the road and walked through the thick brush to see if I was there. When he saw I was fine, he left. He gave me my space.
How does he know what I need all the time? How does he know me better than I know myself?
How can I ever give this up?
The thing is, I don’t have to.
If Lucian leaves tomorrow and he doesn’t come back, then I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be. But if he leaves tomorrow and comes back like he says, then maybe this is where my life is supposed to be. Maybe it wasn’t the right time for us then, but now it is.
But if for some reason he doesn’t come back, I need to remember tonight. So I carefully shove the blankets the rest of the way down and throw my leg over his hips.
Chapter Forty-Five
