Page 98 of Ruin
“How can I forget?” I ask, leaning up to kiss him.
He smiles, but it falls from his face quickly. “Why are you asking?”
“Sometimes people do things out of habit. I wasn’t sure if you and him were close in the way friends should be or if it was just a tradition to see each other on holidays. You know, like you do with faraway family you aren’t close with anymore.”
“I guess it was sort of both, but I’ll ask again. Why are you asking me this?”
I stare at the wall ahead of me, the words caught in my throat. It’s so easy to say them, and I don’t know why I can’t. I don’t know what’s stopping me.
Normally I struggle to find words to say, or rather how to word what I want to say. That isn’t the issue now. Everything is right there, scrolling through my head like a teleprompter. I just need to speak.
“What if you found out he wasn’t the person you thought he was?”
“I know your father did bad things. He was in the MC. The same way I know you do, too.”
“Why are some bad things okay and others aren’t?”
“What does that mean?”
I can tell his patience is running out. He’s worried and wants to know what’s going on.
“It means… why can you look the other way over us killing horrible people because we’re in an MC, but not when it comes to other things?”
“What other things?” he asks firmly. “What are you trying to tell me?”
I chew on the inside of my cheek for a moment before sighing. I need to get this over with.
“He was a horrible man, and not in the acceptable way. Everyone thought he was perfect. They looked up to him, they respected him. They had no idea what he was doing behind closed doors.”
The way Lucian is staring at me, it feels like he has no idea what I’m talking about, and I pray to whatever gods are up there that it’s the truth. If he knew… I could never look at him the same. I haven’t forgiven him yet over what happened, but I’m working on it. But this? This is unforgivable. This is something you can’t look the other way over.
I’ve told myself from the very beginning that Lucian had no idea, that he isn’t that sort of man, and if he did know, he’d hide the gun Kaison would shoot our father with. But there’s always the chance…
“What did he do to you?” Lucian asks softly, fear in his voice.
My eyes fall closed, and the memories, though slightly foggy, assault me again.
“Horrible things.”
“How horrible?” His voice shakes as he asks, and I think he already knows. I wouldn’t make a big deal about this if my fatherspanked me now and then. That’s all too common, especially around here.
I focus on the wall ahead of me, needing to ground myself if I’m going to speak this shit out loud. I never have. I gave Kaison the bare minimum. This has to be more. If I want to let this go, then I need to let it out.
“The worst.”
“Kolton…” He breathes out my name, his hand and arm coming up to cradle my face against his chest. “I had no idea. I…” He sighs. “I am so, so sorry.”
“I know you didn’t.”
I say that confidently. I truly don’t think he had any idea, and that small chance? I know it’s nothing by the way he is now. Lucian isn’t the kind of person to do those things. He was so good to his family, especially his son. Nearly perfect. If it weren’t for our affair, he would have been perfect, I bet. Lucian isn’t the kind of man to sexually assault anyone. I bet he never even spanked Luke. That is not the kind of person he is.
“When?” he says.
“A few months after Mama died.”
“Fuck,” he hisses. “How long? When did it stop? Please tell me it stopped before—”
“It did,” I say. “But… not too long before. A month or two before I turned nineteen.”
