Page 75 of Ruin
Maybe Anastacia leaving was the right thing. Maybe this isn’t the safest place for her. It’s only my fault, and I can’t blame her. Grizz will keep her safe. I could tell by the look in his eye when he asked if I liked her. He wanted me to say no becausehelikesher.Likesher. He’ll be good for her, and maybe if I liked women, I could have been good for her too.
Who am I kidding? I can’t even be good for myself.
The bell rings again, reminding me there’s someone here. Probably my brother to see what the fuck is up with me since I didn’t show up at the club today. He cares too much. It’s a real problem, not only for me but for him, too. He’ll see it one day. Someone’s going to hurt him, and he’ll regret ever caring.
I get off the couch and go to the door, pulling it open.
“She’s not here,” I say, then slam the door in Lucian’s face and turn to go back to the living room. He’s the last person I need to see right now, and not because I’m angry, but because I’m weak. I hear the door open and close just as I drop back onto the couch.
He doesn’t say a word as he walks in and takes a seat beside me. The couch dips as his weight presses against it, and it’s seconds before his expensive cologne overtakes Grizz’s greasy one. My muscles loosen, his scent doing some psychological thing to my brain that I can’t control. You’d think after all he did to hurt me, it would have the opposite effect, but unfortunately, all it remembers is the good stuff.
There was a lot of it, too. More good than bad, it’s just that the bad outweighed the good in the end. It was too much. The good never stood a chance up against it.
I wait and wait and wait for Lucian to say something. To give me shit. To ask me what the fuck is wrong. But minutes, maybe even hours pass, and he says nothing, so I finally do.
Only I don’t use my words.
I allow my head to fall to the side and rest on his shoulder. His warmth envelopes me as if he’s giving me a hug, but he hasn’t moved an inch. His slow, even breaths fill my ears, and his scent somehow grows more tempting. Eventually, my eyes fall closed, and I drift into sleep. When I wake up, the room is dark, my neck is aching, and Lucian hasn’t moved.
“Why are you here?” I ask with a groan.
I don’t deserve his attention, not after the way I’ve been treating him. Though, it could be said he doesn’t deserve mine either, yet he keeps coming back. Maybe he’s more of a masochist than I thought.
“I had a feeling you’d be alone.”
“I’m always alone.”
“Me too,” he says softly.
There’s something in his tone that’s off. Something… sad.
“You should have stayed with Beth.”
“I should have left Beth sooner.”
I sit up and turn my head to face him.
“Why didn’t you?”
From the light of the moon shining in through the bay windows, I can make out the profile of his face. I see his thick eyelashes flutter as he blinks. I see his nostrils flare as he takes a deep breath. I see his perfect, kissable, full lips that almost make me forget I hate him.
Almost.
“Because I was stupid.”
So many times he told me I wouldn’t understand—that I wouldn’t get it. As if there was some secret among married people that no one else could comprehend. Not once, never, has he ever taken blame for it. Not until now.
Instantly, I want to give him shit for it. Give him a hard time, make him fight more. But if he fights, I have to fight too.
“I’m tired of fighting,” I whisper into the dark.
He nods once.
“Me too.”
My eyes fall closed, my throat clogging with emotion.
Lucian always was the man who could make me feel things—things I can so easily brush away at any other point, except in his presence.
