Page 74 of Ruin
I step closer to him, eye to eye, my anger flaring up.
“No, Grizz. I don’t fucking like her,” I say in a low voice. “Wanna know why?” His face pinches into confusion, and I move closer. “I like cock.”
His eyes widen, jaw drops. I wait for him to show some sort of disgust or anger or betrayal. Something. I’m naked, save for the towel around my waist, and I just told this big bad guy that I like dick.
The only person I’ve told this to is Kaison, and he would die before he told anyone. Lucian, of course, knows, but that’s it. I’ve thought of telling the guys, but why the fuck would I? I’m not close with any of them like that. We’re not friends. And my sexuality doesn’t fucking matter. It’s none of their business what I do in my spare time, or who I like to have my dick in.
I have no idea why I told Grizz in the first place, and I start to regret it when seconds pass and he’s still staring at me, nothing coming out of his mouth.
“Uh,” is finally what comes out, and it turns into an awkward cough. “That’s cool.”
I laugh again, this time shaking my head.
“Fuck you,” I say as I turn.
“Why do you have to be like that, Snapper? I didn’t even do anything. You’re fucking mean all the time and for no reason.”
“We’re all mean, Grizz. Quit being such a bitch.”
“No, we’re all assholes, Snapper. You’re a fucking dick. You’re mean for no reason. You treat everyone like shit, then get mad when we do it back.”
I stop on the second step and turn to face him.
He adds, “Yeah, we can be mean to each other, but deep down, we all care about each other. We’re a family, man.”
“You got your period or something?” I spit out.
He scoffs, shaking his head.
“Whatever. I was just trying to help.” He moves toward the front door to leave, but stops before he’s in the kitchen. He turns back to me. “I don’t care who you like, Snapper, but I do care about you. And maybe that’s stupid to say, cause I’m supposed to be this big tough motorcycle club guy who kills people, but it’s important to know people care about you.” My chest gets tight, and I grip onto the banister so I don’t fall. My legs suddenly feel weak. “I’ll be by tomorrow to get Anastacia.”
Then he’s gone. But he’s back first thing in the morning to collect Anastacia and her things. And once again, I’m left all alone, with not a single fucking person in my corner.
Chapter Thirty-One
Kolton
Sometimes you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone, and sometimes you just don’t give a fuck because it’s been gone the whole time and doesn’t matter.
Until you have it and it leaves you again.
No, this isn’t about Lucian. It’s about how empty my house is.
I’ve lived on my own for a long time, and never has my house felt empty, and never have I felt alone. At least, that’s what I thought.
My house is empty now, ever since Anastacia left with Grizz.
I’m not sure what I was expecting to happen. I have no feelings toward her. The baby isn’t mine. I hardly talked to her while she was here. It’s not like we were going to have a happy little family here together, but… what if we could have? What if I could have come home to her and a baby that wasn’t mine, but was mine. They would be here when I got home, and the house wouldn’t be empty.
That’s so selfish of me and makes no fucking sense, I get that, but it’s how I feel. It’s what I keep thinking. Maybe if I had talked more, been a little nicer. Maybe if I had been around more, or made her dinner for once. Maybe if I had just done a little more, she wouldn’t have left me too. It shouldn’t bother me so much, I don’t even fucking know her. But it hurts. Sitting here on this couch that smells like Grizz, all I feel around me is the overwhelming sense of emptiness. The house is too quiet. Anastacia wasn’t loud. She hardly made a peep, but I know she isn’t here now. I feel it. It’s… disconcerting.
My head falls back, and I stare up at the grooved ceiling, following the wood patterns, needing a distraction.
What the fuck am I doing with my life? Why am I still here?
Questions I ask myself day in and day out. Have for years. There’s never an answer, and I never do anything about it. Guess I just enjoy being miserable. I suppose when it’s all you’ve ever known, you take comfort in it, no matter how badly it sucks.
The doorbell rings, and I frown, looking around for my phone. What the fuck is the point of having an alarm system if I never have my phone to see the notifications?
