Page 39 of Ruin
Yet here I am like a pitiful dog, looking for scraps of affection from a selfish man.
I’m looking for affection from a man who is married with a son who is my age. A man who destroyed me once and would do it again without a second thought.
I accepted a long time ago that if he wasn’t going to leave his wife then, for me and what we had, he never would. No matter how badly she treated him, no matter how bad their marriage got. If what we had then wasn’t enough, nothing ever would be. What I gave him then is what I have to offer. That’s it. And it wasn’t enough.
All my concerns of being his side piece and using me as an escape start to make more sense.
But it was so much more than that, wasn’t it? That’s why it hurt so much. I knew I meant something to him and he was too much of a coward to take that step into the unknown. I wasn’t worth the trouble a divorce would take.
Beth treated him like shit. I saw it on many occasions. He didn’t have a happy marriage, and though as I’m older now, I do understand more that divorce isn’t so easy, especially when you have a child, he still should have done it. Not necessarily for me, but for himself.
Why stay in a toxic marriage? Because you’re worried about what people think—what the high society rich assholes will think?
It shouldn’t matter. But it mattered to him.
It mattered to him more than I did.
And over the years I always wondered where I sat on his list of things that matter. For a long time I thought I was number one. I thought I was the only thing he loved. It was a hard realization that I was never even close to that spot. He had a wife. A son, which would matter more than her any day. He had his reputation and his job. He had his friends and his stupid dinner parties and all the things that I could never be part of because I wasn’t born from that mold. I didn’t fit into his lifestyle.
So maybe Iwasjust a side piece. Maybe all I was to him was an escape from a life he didn’t want.
So then why is he back? Boredom? Guilt? Whatever it is, it shouldn’t be worth my time.
It shouldn’t…
But he’s already broken me beyond repair—how much more can it hurt?
If giving in will feel good for just a little while, won’t that be worth it?
Chapter Seventeen
Kolton
Twenty years old…
Every year Lucian has some luxurious birthday party at a restaurant in a tall building in New York.
Why spend so much money to celebrate another year closer to death? I guess when you have that much money you run out of things to spend it on.
I hate these birthdays because even though I like seeing him, I hate seeing him with his family. He’d texted me a few days ago all the things he was going to do to me while we were here. I’m not sure if it’s the truth though. How is he going to get away from all these people?
I’ve learned to not get my hopes up when it comes to Lucian. I need to be flexible, which isn’t easy because I’m greedy. I don’t want to share him with his wife or his son. I want him all tomyself, all the time. I’m not patient the way he is. I’m eager and wanting.
“I’m so glad you could make it.” His voice pulls me out of my head, and when I blink away the fogginess, I see him staring at me. He opens his arms, gesturing for a hug like he always does. Nothing about it will raise flags—we do this every time we see each other. I’ve hugged Lucian a million times. But this is the first time I’m hugging him in front of all these people after his dick has been in my mouth. The thought makes me smile, and I lean in for a hug.
“Happy birthday,” I say.
“Don’t forget what I told you,” he whispers.
“I can’t stop thinking about it.”
When he pulls away, his eyes are sparkling with mischief.
I like that we have this secret. I like knowing he’s risking so much just for me. Nothing has ever made me feel more special.
“Have a seat,” he says, his gaze going to my father’s.
Me, my brother, and my father take our seats at the table. It’s the same people who are here every year, but I never remember any of them, other than Beth and Luke.
