Page 18 of Ruin
It’s not the worst thing in the world. I have a spare. I just need to go home to get it.
“Hey, you need another drink?” one of the guys asks.
Yes, I want to say, but it isn’t what I say.
“No, thanks.”
If I’m about to walk home, the last thing I need to be is wrecked. I’m already at the point where I shouldn’t be driving, anyway. Maybe this is the universe’s way of watching out for me. Sometimes I wish it wouldn’t.
I shove my hands into pockets and walk through the parking lot and down the main road.
If I’m lucky, someone will run me over and I won’t have to worry about all the bullshit going on in my life. There’s no reason for me to be here. I’m not doing a fucking thing but wasting oxygen and space.
Unfortunately, I make it all the way home without being struck by a vehicle. I’m dripping sweat from the mix of alcohol and heat. I go right to the bathroom to undress and jump in the shower, and even though I feel like I’m going to drop, I clean up the bathroom and toss my clothes in the wash, then drop onto my bed. My legs are sore as fuck, since I don’t usually walk five fucking miles. It’s a good thing tomorrow is Sunday and I don’t have to worry about moving from this spot. I can lie here all day without a single person to bother me.
I’m fucking exhausted, and even though I can hardly move, my brain won’t shut off.
Flashes of Lucian taunt me like a slideshow.
His smile. The way he looked at me like he was the one who was hurt. The way he said my name. The way his hand wrapped around my arm. The way he smelled.
I hate how addicted to this man I was, and I hate how easily my body reacts to him, despite what he put me through. I’mstruggling enough over here, I don’t need to make things worse by giving in to him again. Because he’ll just leave like he always does. It’s not like he’s here to stay, and there’s no way in fuck I’m moving to the city with him.
I have no idea why I’m even thinking about this, but maybe if I get the thoughts out instead of pushing them down, they will leave me alone for good. I’m tired of putting so much energy into him, all the damn time. It’s never fucking stopped. Somewhere around the age of sixteen was when I fell in love with him, and my life has revolved around him ever since.
It was the way he spoke, the way he treated me. He was handsome and rich and had nothing to do with the club. He was everything that my father and my life wasn’t. He was freedom to me, even before I started sleeping with him.
He was a breath of fresh air, a taste of what my life could be, if only I could get out.
And when the sex started… he’d opened up a world that I didn’t know was possible.
I wish I could blame him for all of it starting, but it wasn’t even him. It was all me. Starting this was all my fault, and I knew what I was getting into, and so really, all I have is to blame myself for all of this.
I’d just graduated. Went out with some of the guys. Drank too much. Knew my father would freak, and so I’d called Lucian. He was in town for the graduation, same as he was for Kaison’s the year prior. He and my dad werethatclose.
I was drunk, and I came on to him. He pushed me off, told me it was a bad idea, but I kept going at him. Still, he said no. The next day, when I was no longer drunk, I found a text from him that said we needed to talk. Fear had filled me instantly.
He was going to tell my dad, and I couldn’t imagine how that would play out. The abuse from him wasn’t as often, since I was older, but it still happened now and then. I could imagine him screaming at me, saying he’d show me what it’s like to be with a real man if that’s what I wanted to do. He’d go harder than ever before. My only chance at hiding it from him was to meet with Lucian, tell him I’m sorry, that I know my feelings are inappropriate, and beg him not to tell my father.
I got as far as “I’m sorry” before he started asking me questions about what I’d said and done and why I did it. He told me it was a bad idea, I’m his best friend’s son, he’s married, and we shouldn’t do this.
And again, we didn’t.
It would be another three months before anything happened between us.
Chapter Seven
Kolton
Nineteen years old…
Dad’s out on a run tonight, and Kaison and I were told we couldn’t go. We’re both too new to the club, and this run is too important. So basically, Prez doesn’t want us fucking it up.
Fine by me, but Kaison threw a fit about it. He took off, going who the hell knows where. Don’t care either. He’s not my fucking problem.
My phone buzzes from my nightstand, lighting up my room.
Lucianscrolls across the screen.
